Thursday, April 07, 2011

10 ways to avoid housework

In celebration of National No Housework Day (No, I do NOT know if it's a real holiday.  Nor do I care, dear readers.  Have you seen this blog?  There are four kids, eight miniature chickens, and three dogs in my house right now.  I need to not put away the laundry!) I'm going to let you in on some of my tips and tricks for avoiding (whenever possible) the dreaded cleaning of the house or faking it (when your in-laws are almost at your house) if you simply must.

5 ways to skip housework altogether:

1) Rip out your kitchen
kitchen renovation remodel
 If you demolish your old, dirty kitchen, no reasonable person would dare fault you for having a less-than sparkling house, now would they?  Um, hello...you're in the middle of a major renovation!  Plus, you won't even have a sink to be full of dirty dishes, so you can justify using disposable ones and throwing them away.  Winning!

2) Have a time-warp bathroom
For people who really dislike cleaning bathrooms, it's important that they purchase an older home with a bathroom from the mid 1970's, back in the good old days when everything was the color of dirt.  This is brilliant, folks.  If you have a brown and yellow toilet how is anyone going to know if it's dirty?  Answer: they won't.  You're welcome.

3) Buy some puppies
Now this one is really ingenious because puppies are the opposite of a messy house.  Puppies are cute and sweet and everyone loves them.  My disaster of a house?  Not so much.  So, every time someone is about to look at the pile of dishes in the sink or that weird spot on the carpet that I still haven't managed to get up, I just shove a puppy in their face and then, instead of gagging a little, they're all "Aw, how cute!".
australian shepherd puppies 7 weeks old

4) Put a clothesline in your house
Okay, I know what you're thinking: "This woman is insane.  I'm supposed to be avoiding chores, not creating new ones."  But just bear with me and you'll soon see the brilliance of this.  See, if you have a dryer but are not using it, it's like "Hey, why aren't you doing laundry?  You've got fancy machines and everything!" but if you don't have a dryer then you can be all "Yeah, I'm super environmentally responsible.  Gotta hang each load of wet laundry individually.  That's why I can't do more than one load per day.  Other people as green and eco-friendly as me are the only ones who truly understand".  And meanwhile what you're thinking is "Yeah...right.  Like I was planning on doing more than one load of laundry anyway.  Suckas!"

5) Start an enormous vegetable garden
Here's where you can play that sustainable card again: "My house is covered in dirt because dirt is natural and beautiful and is used to grow luscious, organic produce.  In fact, I don't even like the chemicals that are used to clean things.  Really unhealthy, honestly."  And then you can go back to playing Words with Friends.

Okay, fine.  Your in-laws are on their way, you've already killed your would-be plants, your puppies have gotten old and their cuteness no longer overshadows the fact that your dining room table is lost under a pile of scrapbooking supplies, and your husband hid the crowbar so you haven't been able to tear out your kitchen.  What is a girl to do?


5 ways to a fake clean house:

1) De-clutter
child's bedroom renovation remodelPick a room that they will not be going into.  (For us, the room that the babies sleep in works well.  I mean, they're sleeping babies.  What do they care?)  Scoop up everything on any horizontal surface that isn't, or is not covered in, a perishable substance and throw it in there.  Try to get as much of it behind the door as possible so if they sneak down the hall and peek in (those sneaky sneaksters), they still might not see it.  Over to the right is a real photo taken in my real house of said room.  You cannot imagine the amount of stuff that is stuffed behind the door and in the closet.  True story.

2) Use the bathtub
Now go into your bathroom.  Any potty seats, bathtub toys, half-eaten granola bars or backpacks that have been abandoned by your domestically challenged offspring/spouse shall be tossed unceremoniously into the tub.  Close the shower curtain.  Voila!

3) Get a dog
Remember those puppies that are now dogs who are too ugly to distract people from the disaster surrounding them?  Put them to work!  Let them sniff around the baby's highchair and underneath the breakfast bar and in between the juice encrusted cushions of the dilapidated couch in your den and watch them gleefully clean up every last crumb of who-knows-what from each available surface.  Yummy!  Fake cleaning tastes delicious!

4) Involve the children
Now we all know that things cleaned by children are never actually "clean", so we're not going to put them in charge of, I don't know...something someone would actually care about having clean.  Instead, arm them with a spray can of lemon-scented furniture polish and a rag and have them go around dusting pictures and tables.  Because we care about dust?  Heck no!  Because the lemony fresh scent will seduce your guests into believing that your house has been cleaned.  And that, my friends, is half the battle.

5) Buy lots of booze
The cost of hiring a housekeeper even for one day will buy you lots and lots of liquor, so with that in mind, the minute insert-person-you'd-like-to-impress walks in the door, offer him/her a stiff drink.  And by "offer" I mean insist they participate in some sort of Entryway Chugging Contest (ECC).  The ECC has proven quite successful with all age groups in eliminating the visiting party's ability to judge the state of your home.  Also, they will think you are super hilarious.  Trust me.  I'm an expert.



Join the party and leave the dreaded housework behind for a day- link up!



15 comments :

  1. Awesome tips! #3 in the 5 Ways to Fake a Clean House is actually why we got a dog. Not kidding.

    I have tried to hide things in the tub but I always find my shower curtain opened. Seriously. Guests just fling it wide open to display all the junk and nasty peeling tubness for the world to see. Sigh.

    Thanks for linking up!! :)

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  2. And don't forget to turn down the lights and use candles for atmosphere. Candlelight hides a messy house very well. I know this from experience!

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  3. Ah yes, the candles! What with the babies and all the being-drunk, though, it might not end well ;)

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  4. Hey Dwiga! Your website is amazing! I love you!

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  5. Following from the No Housework Party. Thanks for stopping by my blog and commenting!

    Your post is hilarious! I definitely think some of those ideas would work for me. Not having a kitchen would be wonderful! ;-)

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  6. ok so I laughed out loud at this post! I have done the bath tub thing, the throw stuff in a room thing, and the dog thing. Things I will be trying:the lemon scented Pledge thing, the booze thing, and the clothesline thing!

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  7. Bwahahahaha This post made me laugh out loud. Thank you for the chuckle.

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  8. That's the spirit, woman! Hah! :D

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  9. hahahah! yes and amen to the booze! (I think I will also use the tub one, LOL! No one goes there anyway!) Also, dusting was totally one of my jobs as a kid. I think I see my the method behind my mother's madness here!

    Thanks for commenting on my blog post, BTW!

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  10. You're welcome, Erin! Your mom was obviously very clever ;)

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  11. My favorite solution was the "buy more booze"

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  12. Haha! We are soul sisters, Bernie!! :D

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  13. HA HA HA HA HA!!! THAT, my new friend, was truly funny!! You had me laughing (out loud!) So hard that some diet coke came shooting out my nose...(I know, so attractive) and the people sitting around me (at my son's baseball game) began staring at me with concerned looks on their faces. Thanks for the belly laugh!!

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