Friday, April 29, 2011

7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 1)

So, we've got this here house and all these here kids and I got to thinking today that if you have kids and you are considering some fool undertaking similar to the undertaking we undertook like fools, there are some things you should practice.  Or at least prepare yourself for.

Seven Things I've Done While Holding a Baby

1) Painting the trim around the windows.
This one is pretty intuitive, really.  If you want to paint something, your baby will put her hands in the paint.  Then she will put her paint covered hands all over the super cheap carpet that you bought from Home Depot, and even though you don't really like the carpet, you will like it even less when it has baby sized paint hand prints on it.  So instead, you hold the baby with your left arm and you paint with your right.  Also, you can count this as your workout for the day because it requires approximately the same ab strength and balance as scaling a level-orange rock climbing wall (I have never gone rock climbing.  I don't even know if there's any such thing as levels.  Maybe level orange is the easy level, in which case ignore what I just said.)

2) Scraping off Wallpaper
This is basically the same concept as the trim painting except you'll wanna replace "put her hands in the paint.  Then she will put her paint covered hands all over the super cheap carpet that you bought from Home Depot, and even though you don't really like the carpet, you will like it even less when it has baby sized paint hand prints on it" with "pick up the moistened bits of old wallpaper that still have some glue residue on the back and who-knows-how-many-years-of-grime-on-the-front and shove them into her mouth and/or spray whatever special concoction you've created into her eyes"

3) Scrubbing the Toilet
This one is not limited to renovating households, but it is something I've done recently.  Many times.  See, if you let her come into the bathroom, she will put her hands into the toilet and suck on the bottle of toilet bowl cleaner.  Ideally simultaneously.  The AAP generally discourages parents from allowing this kind of behavior...something about salmonella or whatever, so you're going to want to avoid it if at all possible.  On the other hand, if you lock her out of the bathroom, she will eat wallpaper and put her hands into paint.  Solution: administer under-armpit clutch hold with child's head facing backwards and butt pointed toward toilet.

4) Installing Flooring
One of the main reasons we chose the self-adhesive floor tiles (no, NOT just because they're cheap.  And easy to transport. And easy to install.  That would be, like, selfish or something.) is that they provide the safest renovation environment for curious young tots (translation: your baby can forcibly climb into your lap while you're sitting on the floor messing with them and the only danger might be that you give yourself a paper cut 'cause you're trying to peel off that backing all careful like)

5) Spackling (is that a noun?  how do you verbify that? Spacklinging?  Someone find out quick!)
See 1 and 2

6) Hanging wet laundry on the line
If you're using an outdoor line to dry your clothes in a place that actually has seasons and rains (little cold water droplets that actually fall straight from the sky.  I know!  So weird!) on a regular basis, you're gonna need to get your butt in gear and get it out there as soon as it's done and whenever you can.  This means that maybe you won't have time to pick up the dog poop first.  Now, maybe you don't mind if your baby has a little turdy snack every now and then (I mean really, who am I to judge?  Have you seen my house?) but the thought of having to smell that on her breath all day kinda makes me cringe, so I am regularly forced to hang the clothes while the small one is propped on my left hip

7) The Charleston
You will not want to do what you are supposed to do, so you will google "How to do the Charleston" because you've forgotten since your college days when you thought it was so cool to swing dance to every genre of music (when you weren't doing that other super cool kind of dancing while standing on the arms of people's couches who probably didn't event invite you to their party in the first place) and then the second you start trying to show your 3 year old how to do it, the baby will demand to be held.  Because that is the baby code.  And you will hold her and try to do the Charleston.  And she will giggle, and then you won't mind so much anymore.

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  1. 1.) you are amazing doing all those things with a baby in tow. I barely do those things WITHOUT a baby at all!

    2.) We might be the only two bloggers that did not blog about the Royal Wedding today. Rock on.

    (although I'm totally planning on watching it later on tivo....shame.)

  2. ha ha!
    you are a super-mom for sure if you can do all that - especially as you do so while juggling a baby on your hip!

  3. I'm so impressed how much you Moms can get done with them there youngins hanging on you! I can barely do all those things without said 30 lb attachment.

  4. Haha! You are super woman! And I've never met anyone who loved the Charleston as much as I do, so I feel an immediate bond : )

    Thank you for visiting my blog, can't wait to explore more of yours.



  5. I totally have a picture of you dancing on the arm of my couch!

    Ok, I lied. I don't have one that I am aware of but now I am inspired to go through all college photos and find one.

    I did watch the royal wedding today. I spent the entire day watching on DVR. It took me all day because I had to do it while holding two kids and pausing every five minutes. Ok, I might not have held both of them the entire time. But I did pause every five minutes. I started watching at 8:30 and finished at 3:00. Wonder why I never get anything done around here?

    The way you feel about your carpet is the exact way I feel about my curtains. Never liked them that much to begin with but I like them even less after having been painted by the baby.

    Can you tell I'm going through blogging withdrawal?!?!

  6. Racheal, If you have pictures you are REQUIRED to submit them for posterity! :D


  7. I think you need a bigger baby prison to avoid the handprints. Or just embrace them as "art" that can be covreed as soon the kids are old enough to "have nice things."

  8. The picture that goes with no. 6 is priceless. What does a little turdy snack hurt? Just every now and then...

  9. I really hope that was not really turd, and just a bit of healthy dirt in her mouth.....:-)

    I've made a cup of tea and cooked pasta while holding the baby on my hip, both activities NOT recommended of course.

    (I'm typing this with one hand while the toddler sits on my lap)

  10. Nooooo! Hahahaha! It was NOT a turd...but she did do that while I was hanging laundry one day. She eats dirt ALL. THE. TIME. Makes mama crazy! Thought it would be funny to include with this particular post ;)

    Oh, the one handed typing...slow going, isn't it?

  11. I heart you. (In that non-weird, bloggy friend kinda way). You make my day every. Single. Day. Great post! Don't let the baby eat poo, k? :D

  12. I remember these days. My "kids" are now 25, 23 and 17. Honestly, as difficult as these childhood days sometimes are, savor them, which it appears you are doing in a humorous sort of way.

    When my girls were preschoolers, I once plopped them in front of Sesame Street and painted the dining room. I rarely allowed them to watch TV, so they were mesmerized. I haven't (yikes) painted that room since.

    Another truly entertaining post.

  13. I think I would put my kids in baby jail, if I had any. Go you for being able to do all that stuff with a baby on your hip!

  14. She is the cutest!!! Even with ???? in her face? Dirt or chocolate I hope.

  15. Hooray for dates!

    I was up last night "picture-fying" my blog!

    For no apparent reason other than I like to look at my family.... <3

    Soooooo funny! I totally have the mental picture of the "under-armpit clutch hold with child's head facing backwards and butt pointed toward toilet" and it's damn funny! You have a gift for making the difficult stuff ridiculous and I really like that about you!

    Oh, and your little sweet pea is the cutest little thing with her chubby cheeks and dirty mouth!

    Thanks for the smiles and giggles ;)

  17. Hilarious! I have two words for you--playpen (we call it baby jail here, too!), and mamatoto, where you can check out a bazillion ways to tether your babe to your back--or front, although that would likely be counterproductive. I like to spread out a quilt and assign an older kid to play with the baby. Or for outside on muddy (or turdy) days, pop the tot in a stroller and keep her near you and out of the sludge. We don't use Baby Containers a lot, but sometimes they are HANDY.


  18. "turdy snack"...i was holdin it together til those 2 little innocent words! then w/o warning, the whole household was awakened to my uproarious laughter! ohmygershness you slay me! hilarious!!! love it!


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