Friday, April 29, 2011
7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 1)
So, we've got this here house and all these here kids and I got to thinking today that if you have kids and you are considering some fool undertaking similar to the undertaking we undertook like fools, there are some things you should practice. Or at least prepare yourself for.
Seven Things I've Done While Holding a Baby
1) Painting the trim around the windows.
This one is pretty intuitive, really. If you want to paint something, your baby will put her hands in the paint. Then she will put her paint covered hands all over the super cheap carpet that you bought from Home Depot, and even though you don't really like the carpet, you will like it even less when it has baby sized paint hand prints on it. So instead, you hold the baby with your left arm and you paint with your right. Also, you can count this as your workout for the day because it requires approximately the same ab strength and balance as scaling a level-orange rock climbing wall (I have never gone rock climbing. I don't even know if there's any such thing as levels. Maybe level orange is the easy level, in which case ignore what I just said.)
2) Scraping off Wallpaper
This is basically the same concept as the trim painting except you'll wanna replace "put her hands in the paint. Then she will put her paint covered hands all over the super cheap carpet that you bought from Home Depot, and even though you don't really like the carpet, you will like it even less when it has baby sized paint hand prints on it" with "pick up the moistened bits of old wallpaper that still have some glue residue on the back and who-knows-how-many-years-of-grime-on-the-front and shove them into her mouth and/or spray whatever special concoction you've created into her eyes"
3) Scrubbing the Toilet
This one is not limited to renovating households, but it is something I've done recently. Many times. See, if you let her come into the bathroom, she will put her hands into the toilet and suck on the bottle of toilet bowl cleaner. Ideally simultaneously. The AAP generally discourages parents from allowing this kind of behavior...something about salmonella or whatever, so you're going to want to avoid it if at all possible. On the other hand, if you lock her out of the bathroom, she will eat wallpaper and put her hands into paint. Solution: administer under-armpit clutch hold with child's head facing backwards and butt pointed toward toilet.
4) Installing Flooring
One of the main reasons we chose the self-adhesive floor tiles (no, NOT just because they're cheap. And easy to transport. And easy to install. That would be, like, selfish or something.) is that they provide the safest renovation environment for curious young tots (translation: your baby can forcibly climb into your lap while you're sitting on the floor messing with them and the only danger might be that you give yourself a paper cut 'cause you're trying to peel off that backing all careful like)
5) Spackling (is that a noun? how do you verbify that? Spacklinging? Someone find out quick!)
See 1 and 2
6) Hanging wet laundry on the line
If you're using an outdoor line to dry your clothes in a place that actually has seasons and rains (little cold water droplets that actually fall straight from the sky. I know! So weird!) on a regular basis, you're gonna need to get your butt in gear and get it out there as soon as it's done and whenever you can. This means that maybe you won't have time to pick up the dog poop first. Now, maybe you don't mind if your baby has a little turdy snack every now and then (I mean really, who am I to judge? Have you seen my house?) but the thought of having to smell that on her breath all day kinda makes me cringe, so I am regularly forced to hang the clothes while the small one is propped on my left hip
7) The Charleston
You will not want to do what you are supposed to do, so you will google "How to do the Charleston" because you've forgotten since your college days when you thought it was so cool to swing dance to every genre of music (when you weren't doing that other super cool kind of dancing while standing on the arms of people's couches who probably didn't event invite you to their party in the first place) and then the second you start trying to show your 3 year old how to do it, the baby will demand to be held. Because that is the baby code. And you will hold her and try to do the Charleston. And she will giggle, and then you won't mind so much anymore.