Yesterday, I was going to finish that hallway, oh yes I was. And finish painting the trim. And scrape wallpaper, and do laundry, and learn to make a mean turducken and then maybe actually make a mean turducken. Oh, and probably throw some cheerios at the kids too. But then at the very almost end of the whole entire thing, just when I was barely starting to hear the sweet sounds of Jay Z rising up from the depths of my subconscious, my conscious quite rudely interrupted and said "No! You canNOT get a What What, because you, you of the poor math skills having obtained a liberal arts post secondary education, have just run out of tiles." Three measly tiles away from finishing the whole blasted floor and I had to stop...again. I may or may not have considered uttering some choice phrases at that particular moment in time. Because I have a DEADLINE. And he will be here tomorrow. And he wants the friggin' floors finished. Ya know?
So I got smart and decided that today, this morning, I would scurry to Lowe's to pick up just one single little ol' box of tiles and I would just DO it and then it would be done, and then I could commence singing. 'Cause I do like beltin' me out a good tune, I sure do. Well, what does a smart girl do when she leaves Lowe's and realizes that she is in the same parking lot as Wal-Mart? That's right, she puts the pedal to the metal and gets the heck out of there as quick as she can. But see, I am not so smart. I am a foolish fool who went to Wal-Mart after going to Lowe's. Wal-Mart in Battle Creek, Michigan on a Saturday morning.
Now let me give you a little piece of advice, friends. If you are going to go to Wal-Mart in Battle Creek, Michigan on a Saturday morning, I advise you clad yourself in some sort of mu-mu type garb and cover your head in a large hat of some sort. Also wear a mask. Like a hockey mask. Because if instead you are wearing, for example, "jeans" and a "shirt" and you have "combed" your hair (mind you, I make no mention of wearing any make-up or having non-ugly shoes on...because I wasn't and I didn't) you will be, apparently, the single most attractive human being to ever set foot in the Wal-Mart of Battle Creek. The...ahem...gentleman in the motorized cart wearing the leather POW vest and the fellow stocking the frozen pizzas were tolerable. I told myself both times that I was imagining their "appreciative glances". And the dude at Lowe's who decided to tell me all about the Weather Channel? Well, he was just being helpful. But then I got to the checkout line.
Note to self: If the dude looks creepy, he is probably creepy.
Poor guy. He was just a nerd in his 20's. Just a dorky nerd, earning an honest living scanning groceries at Wal-mart on a Saturday morning. He didn't even say "hello" at first, which to me was just dandy. I gotta tell ya- I can barely keep up with all the talking I'm supposed to do to people I know. Don't need any extra chatter from the checker dude at Wal-Mart, and that is the truth. So there I am, speedily unloading my cart onto the belt, when Creeperson clears his throat...
"Um, I hope you don't mind me saying...."
"...but you are a very nice looking lady!"
Oh for the love of all that is holy and good. Please tell me that did not just happen!
No, no...please don't tell me what you mean...
"...I just thought it might be nice for you to hear that."
Well you are WRONG my young friend. You are wrongy wrongy wrong wrong!
It was not nice. It was bad. It was bad and wrong. And I had to finish unloading my cart and then wait while he bagged everything and then reload the cart and then show him my i.d. for the purchasing of the beer and then put my i.d. away and then pay for the groceries and all the while he is there with his creeperson eyeballs and I am over here trying not to make eye contact because I am sure (have you SEEN my enormous eyeballs? Very, very difficult for me to keep a secret the thing that I am thinking which is, in most cases, "What the frap is wrong with you?!?!?") it will only make him feel sad and as much as he was my least favorite person in the world at the moment I am still totally averse to hurting people's feelings and....ohmygod what is taking him so long???? The longest time I have ever spent checking out at a store, I swear to jebus.
The good news is that I survived, so you can all stop holding your breath(s). Woo hoo! Then I came home and we busted out our renovations like a couple of people with a screamin' deadline.
And I cried.