Saturday, April 30, 2011

Always wear a mu-mu to Wal-Mart

Katie.  She's my oldest daughter.  She's sitting right next to me, talkin' my ear off while I'm trying to write this.  And I'm all "I just need a word.  I just need one word to start writing and then I'll be good" and she, being cut from ye olde same cloth of smart assery from whence her good mother was also cut says "Katie.  That's a good word" so I says "Fine" and I wrote "Katie".  See it up there?  True story.

Yesterday, I was going to finish that hallway, oh yes I was.  And finish painting the trim.  And scrape wallpaper, and do laundry, and learn to make a mean turducken and then maybe actually make a mean turducken.  Oh, and probably throw some cheerios at the kids too.  But then at the very almost end of the whole entire thing, just when I was barely starting to hear the sweet sounds of Jay Z rising up from the depths of my subconscious, my conscious quite rudely interrupted and said "No! You canNOT get a What What, because you, you of the poor math skills having obtained a liberal arts post secondary education, have just run out of tiles."  Three measly tiles away from finishing the whole blasted floor and I had to stop...again.  I may or may not have considered uttering some choice phrases at that particular moment in time.  Because I have a DEADLINE.  And he will be here tomorrow.  And he wants the friggin' floors finished.  Ya know?

So I got smart and decided that today, this morning, I would scurry to Lowe's to pick up just one single little ol' box of tiles and I would just DO it and then it would be done, and then I could commence singing.  'Cause I do like beltin' me out a good tune, I sure do.  Well, what does a smart girl do when she leaves Lowe's and realizes that she is in the same parking lot as Wal-Mart?  That's right, she puts the pedal to the metal and gets the heck out of there as quick as she can.  But see, I am not so smart.  I am a foolish fool who went to Wal-Mart after going to Lowe's.  Wal-Mart in Battle Creek, Michigan on a Saturday morning.

Now let me give you a little piece of advice, friends.  If you are going to go to Wal-Mart in Battle Creek, Michigan on a Saturday morning, I advise you clad yourself in some sort of mu-mu type garb and cover your head in a large hat of some sort.  Also wear a mask.  Like a hockey mask.  Because if instead you are wearing, for example, "jeans" and a "shirt" and you have "combed" your hair (mind you, I make no mention of wearing any make-up or having non-ugly shoes on...because I wasn't and I didn't) you will be, apparently, the single most attractive human being to ever set foot in the Wal-Mart of Battle Creek.  The...ahem...gentleman in the motorized cart wearing the leather POW vest and the fellow stocking the frozen pizzas were tolerable.  I told myself both times that I was imagining their "appreciative glances".  And the dude at Lowe's who decided to tell me all about the Weather Channel?  Well, he was just being helpful.  But then I got to the checkout line.

Note to self: If the dude looks creepy, he is probably creepy.

Poor guy.  He was just a nerd in his 20's.  Just a dorky nerd, earning an honest living scanning groceries at Wal-mart on a Saturday morning.  He didn't even say "hello" at first, which to me was just dandy.  I gotta tell ya- I can barely keep up with all the talking I'm supposed to do to people I know.  Don't need any extra chatter from the checker dude at Wal-Mart, and that is the truth.  So there I am, speedily unloading my cart onto the belt, when Creeperson clears his throat...

"Um, I hope you don't mind me saying...."

Oh god...

"...but you are a very nice looking lady!"

Oh for the love of all that is holy and good.  Please tell me that did not just happen!

"I mean..."

No, no...please don't tell me what you mean...

"...I just thought it might be nice for you to hear that."

Well you are WRONG my young friend.  You are wrongy wrongy wrong wrong!

It was not nice.  It was bad.  It was bad and wrong.  And I had to finish unloading my cart and then wait while he bagged everything and then reload the cart and then show him my i.d. for the purchasing of the beer and then put my i.d. away and then pay for the groceries and all the while he is there with his creeperson  eyeballs and I am over here trying not to make eye contact because I am sure (have you SEEN my enormous eyeballs?  Very, very difficult for me to keep a secret the thing that I am thinking which is, in most cases, "What the frap is wrong with you?!?!?") it will only make him feel sad and as much as he was my least favorite person in the world at the moment I am still totally averse to hurting people's feelings and....ohmygod what is taking him so long????  The longest time I have ever spent checking out at a store, I swear to jebus.

The good news is that I survived, so you can all stop holding your breath(s).  Woo hoo!  Then I came home and we busted out our renovations like a couple of people with a screamin' deadline.

day 1
Then I sat here, looking at this picture, thinking about everything that has gone into making this the kind of house that my kids are proud to invite their friends to.  And I looked back through the album of photos we took on that first day when I thought my heart was going to break and that my children were going to be homeless.  And I looked all around this house, that land, those kids.  A smile spread across my face. 

And I cried.

post signature


  1. Wow! You are so brave to take this on! I am a new follower and can't wait to read more :) Found you through the Storytellers Blog Hop.

  2. Amazing progress - I just love seeing before & after photos!

  3. Wow, the house looks FANTASTIC!

    I don't know which is worse: Being looked at by the 20-somethings or being called "M'am." I've got to say, I've been getting a lot of the second choice lately, and I'm not too sure what I think about that! LOL ;-)


    and you even have a vase of flowers - how lovely!
    (and hi to Katie, just because)


    amy & jim l.

  5. It looks FABULOUS!!! Sorry to hear about Creepy McCreeperson at Wal-Mart though....

  6. Dude, Katie's the best name EVER. Okay, now I'm going to go read the rest of the post...just felt the need to say that first.

  7. Looks great! It reminds me so much of the house I used to live in when I was in Spokane!

  8. Did you respond to creepy checker guy? Or just stand there awkwardly? Because I would have totally gone with the standing there awkwardly thing. Seems like the wisest choice.

    It all looks so great. I feel proud and sort of accomplished...just by association.

  9. That looks awesome. Well done!

    And sorry about Mr Creepy at Wal-Mart. I've got the heebie jeebies just reading that hahaha

  10. Oh, poor Dwija, someone told you they thought you were pretty. I'm still waiting for someone to say "you're too young to have 4 kids." It hasn't happened yet! (screw women's lib. I'll take what I can get!)

    Congratulations on finishing before your deadline!

  11. Wal-mart itself creeps me out without the extra help of their employees! Did you answer him? Or awkwardly ignore him? I don't know what I'd do!

    The house looks great! I love that you have the vase of flowers out! So cute!

  12. Olivia, will you kindly enter the realm of reality? 1) yes, you are too young to have 4 kids, but so am I and 2) If you went somewhere without ANY of them, I can assure you this same thing would happen to you, except 10-fold. Hello? Have you seen my crooked teeth? Tragedy.

    and p.s. he called me a LADY...who is "nice looking". That is just straight weird, I tell you what.

  13. Oh, and yes, I was an awkward freak who mumbled something incoherent in response and then prayed for some kind of time altering device to speed me back to my house where my husband is, ready to NOT call me "Lady"

  14. Awww, that was sweet (I mean the part where you cried) the way, let me know if you need any long distance help with the decor or window treatments (for cheap!) I am a decorator by trade...just sayin...

  15. The floor looks awesome. You know he carded you so he could see your name and address so he can not only internet stalk you but stalk your house too, right? Kidding, about the house stalking part anyway.

  16. He totally LOOKED at my license too. Creeperson's probably in my yard right now!

  17. The worst thing about completely awkward and unwarranted inappropriateness from younger boys, is that you have to wonder to yourself...

    CLEARLY, we are not if you actually think your Joey Tribbiani tactics are going to get anywhere, you must be thinking I am old.....I'm talking cougar age!!!!

    That thought in and of itself, is deserving of a good ol' fashioned "Days of Our Lives" style smack right across the kisser!

    It's an outrage I tell you, an outrage!

    Next time little boy bagger decides to litter your shopping experience with some uncomfortable chatter, you let those eyes speak from the mountaintops!

    Don't just stand there and let him undress the mom-candy in his lane, its practically a sin of omission to allow this silliness to continue!

    You owe it to all the other women out there in Battle Creek, Michigan to put an end to the awkwardness!

    And also, because when he runs away crying in shame, you can tell all of us about it and we can giggle at his expense!

    Poor Creepy Mcgee. :)

  18. I just might cry with you. Hooray for home.

    Heh. Hooray also for lookin' good in Lowe's. Take it as a compliment! I could use summa that. And I don't even always "comb" my hair!

  19. Walmart makes me shudder. And that floor looks fantastic!

  20. I love your floor! And dude, the wal-mart on a Saturday thing? It's true everywhere. That's just one of wal-mart's best characteristics.

  21. Your house looks lovely, you are a house artist.
    Worth a few tears.

    As for Wal-Mart, maybe it's because I'm older, but I would have just taken the compliment and let it go. Perhaps he's working on his social skills, wanting to be nicer, more communicative.

    And NEVER wear a mu-mu to WalMart, if you stand in front of the doors, the sunlight shoes through and one can see EVERYTHING! Even more alluring than your said combed hair.

  22. Katie, Katie, Katie. Just had to get that out.

    Aren't you just a luck little hot momma? Granted it would be creepy to be told that, in Walmart, by a child.

    At this stage in my life if someone told me that, I would be arrested for humping the guys leg with joy. But that is just me.

    Floor looks great!!

  23. OHMYGOSH Bernie, you are so freaking hilarious! But dude, he said "nice looking" and "lady". What does that even mean? If he would have said "dang, you're hot" at least I would have laughed...or "your greasy hair is pretty awesome" and that would have made sense, but "nice looking lady"? NOT NORMAL!

  24. You're looking at it all wrong... I actually go to WalMart to get a little self esteem boost when I want to feel like the most beautiful woman to have EVER lived. It's an immediate pick me up.

    I also usually see people with WAY more children than my three and they are usually look like they are having a bigger challenge than I do in keeping their shit together.

    Basically I am the prettiest,smartest, best parent when I am there. Everywhere else...well, not so much, but I rule at WalMart!

  25. Giving you a "What What" and a fist pump! Way to go, Momma!

  26. I am so afraid to go to WalMart when I am back here!! That place frightens me, seriously! haha. Too funny. But at least you made a new friend, right?? I mean, you did get his number, obviously.
    Lol. The tile and everything else looks AMAZING!! You did a great job. Hope you belted out a little more Jay Z when you were all done. Oh, and did a nice little Jay Z dance to top it all off.
    BTW, I wanted to thank you for linking up to the Storytellers Blog Hop! You are awesome for doing so :)

  27. I can just see the expression on your face. Big grin as you say, "Um, Thank you" . . . With the wide eyed "this guy is creepy" stare.

    Fortunately for you I wrote a blog post on Friday with some excellent advice to avoid that exact sort of awkward encounter. I haven't posted it yet because . . . you know . . . my blog was broken. No worries though. Blog is back up and running. I'll probably post that one on Tuesday . . . or Thursday . . . next week . . . >;)

  28. Upon rereading my post and yours I realize you are totally not going to believe I wrote my post before reading this one. Now I want to know. Are you reading my mind or am I reading yours?

  29. Egad - I went brain dead-I couldn't find your comments -but obviously LOL here I am-it's just been one of 'those' Mondays.

    It always kinda of freaks me out too when people get too personal. Even women do that to other women - I was working one day and my co worker who is pretty (and knows it) was serving a customer and this lady said to her - "you are just so beautiful" I was like - boy I'm glad people don't do the opposite and tell someone "gosh, you look like my granny on her worst day" Thank heavens for small favors.

    Your home looks beautiful kiddo - really beautiful : D

  30. That home of yours is looking good. Nice work! It's beautiful!

    Ugh, creepy checkout guy. I really hate that. *blargh*

  31. Great place. Looks so charming and beautiful.


  32. House looks incredible. Renovations suck/don't suck, but I don't miss the suckiness of our 160 money sucker. Okay, I kinda do...

    And umm...creepy checkout dude looked at your driver's license! Maybe its just the criminologist in me, but that's sketchy. What is it about WalMart and people who have no social skills? I avoid it at all costs. I just repeat the following mantra when i'm tempted ..."WalMart makes me psycho."

  33. It's so true. I'm pretty sure he drives by our house every night after sunset so he can peer into the windows and imagine what it will be like when we are HIS family.

    Blajflkdjfaljfljfjdf! Yelthk! Just saying that gave me the chilly willies...

  34. I love taking before and after photos also, it was a great one. thanks for sharing.

    condo Philippines

  35. Ok, so I have 3 boys 6 and under and a white linoleum floor in my kitchen. Yes, I curse it quite often. Especially when we have spaghetti. Anyway, that linoleum looks like the perfect thing to hide all the stuff they throw/spill/what have you. Could you tell me what brand and style it is if you remember? I know you've got a million things to do, and I am praying for your little one. No rush, but could ya email me if you find a moment? ellenwit at yahoo dot com. Thanks!


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...