Thursday, April 28, 2011

Psalm 158: Of Tolerant Wives

1 Blessed is the woman that doth not maim her spouse,
     nor pluck the hairs from his head,
     nor demandeth from him a ring encrusted with rubies

2 Upon discovering that he hath booked a golf game (or concert or trip to Vegas)
     on the weekend celebrating her holy birth.

3 Amen, I say to you, she shall be like a saint to those who are otherwise,
     when she doth agree to prepare three meals daily although he is not seven;
     Her hair will not be disheveled;
     and whatsoever she doeth shall be impecable.

4 Whereas this woman is not so:
     but rather is like a banshee in response to such suggestions.

5 Yea verily, she will whacketh him upside the head,
     and readily point out that she has already birthed children of her own;
     and thus he is encouraged to fend for himself.

6 Arise, she will say, a breweth your own dang coffee
    for thy destination is a place of adults
    with whom thou canst have full conversations

7 They will neither wipe their mucous upon you
    nor demandeth that you preparest for them a sandwich
    but only with a diagonal cut, for the horizontal cut smacks of evil

8 Nay, brethren, thou shalt not revel in the joys of having a wife
     if thou shalt not revel in the duties of being a grown man.

9 Whosoever shall tolerate that kind of nonsense shall earn herself
     a free ticket to salvation, wherein he will be forced to massage her feet for all eternity.

check out our writing group for more great poetry!



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33 comments :

  1. However did you think to write this? I am beyond impressed with your creativity.

    I think thine husband doth owe thee a wellspring of flowers, for thou art a saint.

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  2. I am printing a copy of this out and framing it. Several copies. I need one for each room . . . maybe one for each wall in each room.

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  3. Haha, I was just going to say Amen, but my3littlebirds beat me!! Too funny, love it

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  4. Can i get a Hallelujah from my sista? I'm dancing in the aisle of the church of Dweej! I think we're on the same page today.

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  5. ha ha ha!
    Awesome!!

    (I mean, um, a solemn Amen).

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  6. And that is the gospel according to Dweej. I totally fb shared this. Laughed out loud in my office!

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  7. I'm diggin' all your virtual high fives! :D

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  8. This is so going on my frig : D There's where the best of the best is archived. Oh mighty Dwija, We hail thee Queen for The Day !!!!

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  9. Verily, verily, I say unto thee; mine merriment poureth from mine belly and mouth and thou hast caused a wellspring of water to rush forth from my nether regions (for I hath previously given birth twice henceforth to two man-children and thus hath need of many kegel exerciseths).

    I give the psalms of thanksgiving for thine divine comedy once and again...Amen!

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  10. Whoa, changing your blog's name to King James Reseen and Rescripted...

    Blessings to you from a wife whose husband does not golf. Can I have a nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah boo boo?

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  11. Hilarious! I am so fb-sharing this.

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  12. Hah! Thank you, Mitzi :)

    And I have said more thank yous than I can count to the sporting Gods that my husband doesn't golf either. As you can probably tell, I wouldn't have much patience for it anyway... ;)

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  13. My husband read this out loud and I laughed until I cried.

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  14. AWSOMENESS!!! I follow thee, Prophet! Amen!

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  15. Haha! That's HILARIOUS!!! I don't suppose there's any chance of you rewriting the whole Bible, is there??

    Have a great weekend!!

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  16. *giggles*

    I especially like the part about whackething him on the head. That part is my favorite!

    Hope you have a good weekend dear!

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  17. Brilliant! Completely and utterly brilliant.

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  18. Funny how fuming rage-
    I mean, a little frustration-
    can spur creativity. thanks, Dweej!

    p.s. is THIS the weekend of thy holy birth?

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  19. Oh my gosh, Mary Beth...you are too funny! Hah!

    Fortunately, my husband did not inspire this particular piece. I am too scary and he is too smart ;)

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  20. I had to lol at the disclaimer comment but the piece itself is pretty funny too...& my spouse of 40 years could've easily inspired it! Ummm, and I could easily have inspired the male version too, no doubt :-)

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  21. Love love love it!! I agree with Red Nomad Oz -you should prepare your own version of the Bible - we could have King James, NIV and Dwija. Haha!

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  22. Oh. My. Happiness. Sending. To. My. Husband. Okay. Done. With. This. Ridiculousness. Now.

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  23. Got this link from my wife.

    This is the fruit of prayerful meditation.

    The horizontal cut smacks of evil.

    Haha!

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  24. I so needed to read something like this, Dweej.

    My spouse looked at me this morning and said "Don't buy me anything for Father's Day..it's just a made-up occasion; a card is enough."

    I'm printing out your post and sticking it in an envelope...after I whacketh him upside his head.

    Bless you!

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  25. I love this so much! What a creative, inspired, perfect poem! I think I need to share this as well! Well done!

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  26. I still love this so much, it is pure perfection Dweej!!! I'm so glad you chose this one to share. :) You are a rocket scientist!!!

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