Monday, May 30, 2011

I Like a Challenge

Many readers, both long-time friends and those I've yet to meet, have marveled at my apparent ability to complete 137% of the tasks that most humans are able to accomplish in a given day.  Or month.  Perhaps year.  "How do you do it???" they ask wide-eyed and awe struck.  "How do you fix up a house and take care of four kids and have those animals and still manage to say things to us here and post ridiculous things to facebook and tweet about microwaved pepperoni?"  (True story.  Just had that conversation quite recently.  Not the marveling one.  The microwaved pepperoni one.)

Answer: I do not bathe.  I rarely even change my clothes.

For serious.

I feel compelled to share this with you so that you don't all quit your jobs and buy ridiculously cheap fixer-uppers and then move into them and start crying and then never want to speak to me again except to tell me that I am a fool and evil for tricking you into your adventure by pretending that it is all easy as pie and totally awesomely wonderful all the time.  I mean, have you read about the snakes?  The frog day spa?  The iron bacteria?  Not an all-inclusive resort, let me assure you.

Truly, in order to maintain some semblance of order and accomplishment around here, I am lucky If I am able to bathe every other day.  Usually it's every third day.  I know!  Isn't it gross that I'm telling you this?  But it must be done, and I have no pride.  Here's the thing guys: we have one bathroom.  One bathroom.  Six people.  Sure, one of those people doesn't use the toilet yet (for its intended purpose).  But she is still in there.  All. The. Time.  And either something is going on that prevents the showering (e.g. male child is pouring red food coloring on carpet.  True story.) or someone else is in there (please see above, re: human to bathroom ratio). 

If the showering (lack of) thing didn't disgust you enough, let me also say that I rarely have time to change my clothes.  I am serious.  Priorities, folks!  Reply to hilarious comment about dog feces or change into pajamas before bed?  Clearly there is only one choice here.  So I collapse into bed wearing the same clothes I've worn all day.

Now imagine, if you will, that you have arisen from your bed fully clothed, are looking for ways to save time and there is little to no hope that you will be bathing that day.  Do you a) change into another similarly ugly outfit thereby spending time you don't have whilst simultaneously creating more dirty laundry or b) just start your day as if it is but a rather lengthy extension of the previous day?  That is what I thought, my clever co-human.  That is exactly what I thought.  No new laundry for us smart folk!

Also, I have not received any professional hair or nail attention in over a year.  I eat two out of three meals with one hand and type with the other.  I currently, at this moment, have seven windows open on my computer screen.  And when I am done writing this, even though it is almost 11 p.m., I will proceed to clock in and do the work that people actually pay me to do.  At 11 p.m. on a Sunday night.  If this were in fact an all-inclusive resort, they'd (WE'D) be in huge frappin' trouble with the...FDA?  FTC?  CDC?  I'm guessing all of the above.

Seriously, y'all.  If you're interested in things like "not embarrassing your children" and "smelling good" or perhaps "getting more than five hours of sleep per night", then I hereby discourage you from undertaking an sort of adventure that smacks even remotely of ours.  Because this has been hard and crazy.

And wonderful.


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40 comments :

  1. I'll love you even if you're wearing day old clothes and smell like you're wearing day old clothes.

    I can't believe you even managed to write this post! And include mention of the microwaved pepperoni!

    Love ya Dwijasaurus! xoxox

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  2. OK, so I was scrolling through Twitter last night and was reading your conversation about the pepperoni, and your real name, etc. You are SO funny!!
    Great pictures...especially the last one!

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  3. Oh, I love you. Would it be inappropriate to mention here that your awesomeness surpasses me so very much that I have been in the ever second to third day shower phase since I had my SECOND child...and I do not have chickens. Or a house with any reason to fix it up. (ahhem, renting...) So. Yeah, don't tell anybody.

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  4. Hey, you're not suppose to blab the secret to everyone! Now how I'm suppose to be supermom if everyone knows how to do it? :) Sheesh, didn't you take that large family oath:
    "I swear on my breastmilk stained bra (the only one I owe) that I will never, EVER tell other Mommys how to 'do it all.'"

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  5. Showering is overrated. Just think how much water you save. Going green and all. The pioneers didn't have such luxuries as daily showers or multiple pairs of clothing. Look how much they got accomplished! Plus we have an advantage they were lacking. Deodorant! ;)

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  6. I'm actually allergic to water...or at least, I tried to make my parents believe that while growing up. Never been a huge fan of the bathing thing, so I get you there. I look at it as a colossal waste of time...although I'm sure my coworkers would appreciate me taking a daily bath. Honestly, my hair gets wicked greasy if I bathe everyday...yeah, that's my excuse.

    ANYWAY. I want to live your adventure. I'll be honest witja there. I think I'd enjoy something just like that, especially the quitting the job and fixing up a house part. But alas...I am a cowardly coward, who cannot do fun and adventurous things.

    And microwaved pepperoni is a delicacy. I don't care who you are.

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  7. you are my hero.

    ps. sometimes i go without a shower for so long I'm afraid that when the water finally does hit my body I'll melt away like the Wicked Witch.

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  8. 1) I'm glad I live in Illinois and you live in Michigan.

    2) I'm thinking maybe no fifth child due to some hygiene issues...?

    Seriously, if your life was all around perfect, I wouldn't read your blog. "Here I am retiling the bathroom floor with my hair in a perfect layered bob and my acrylic nails chipless whilst wearing an outfit from Macy's and my child looking adoringly up at me from my ankle strap heels..."

    No. Thank. You.

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  9. Ok, fer serious. Baby godzilla in a wittle blue dress HAS to be the cutest picture ever.

    And sorry, I like my hygiene. I'll have maybe one more kid, and that's about it. :)

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  10. You are a much nicer woman than I, to be able to function with a smile after only 5 hours of sleep per night. If I don't get at least 6, or even 7, I am ONE MEAN b*@#%!

    And that is why the projects in this house are so far behind where they should be. LOL

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  11. Snicker and snort I remember those days well. There were times I couldn't remember if I brushed my teeth...

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  12. Thank goodness for this post, or I'd have signed that $30000 deal on a house unseen on a Chicago suburbs!!! LOL

    Seriously though, stinky and sweaty withstanding, I still think you're marvelous and a freakysuperwoman. I don't think that's debatable. Case closed.

    ps: gosh, it's been forever! Am still recuperating in NYC, going on 2-3 hours outing on my wheelchair, and still on painkillers and antibiotics. Will be for the next 6 weeks.
    Weather's been nice, though, so hopefully you're gettin lots of sunshine and nice breeze on your end!

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  13. Someone asked me how I do it all too, and I told them I was lucky to shower every other day (lately I've been able to take one every day- what-what!). She looked at me in disgust and so for all these years I thought I was all alone, I'm so glad I'm not!!

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  14. I am right there with you in all my stinking glory! Showers are so far down the priority list. Who knew what we used to believe were basic human rights would become luxuries.

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  15. Well know we all know how you do it. I had no idea it was something so simple. You go girl. *lol*
    You have a job you get paid real moneies for? Here I thought that we were your job. *sniffle*

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  16. This is great. I found when I could admit that I "do it all" only because I DON'T "do it all"...I felt such relief! LOL

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  17. And that, my friends, is why dry shampoo was invented.

    I'm currently on day 3 without a shower. And I have no kids, so you know, no excuse other than I don't feel like it.

    Keep it up, rockstar!

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  18. If it makes you feel better I dont bathe or change clothes, only have 1/4 of the children you do and can guarantee I dont get 1/116th of what you get done during the day...so make all the excuses you want but you cant convince me you are anything short of amazing!

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  19. Ahhh, this post brings me back to the days with a new infant when brushing my teeth was a luxury I could not afford...keep it up Girlie, we all enjoy the fruits of you (stinky) labor!

    xoxoxo (from across the room, you know, like the Europeans do it)

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  20. I meant the fruits of YOUR stinky labor LOL!!

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  21. You are such a good mom :) I recommend a quick hooker bath with wipes and dry spray shampoo (my FAVE!). I actually do this already. I like to think that it is not that I am un-hygienic...but rather practicing for a litter of kids :) Hope ya'll had a great long weekend!

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  22. Just febreze yourself, that's what I used to do in college. I love your family photos, so sweet.

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  23. Okay, first I admire and thank you for coming clean on your uncleanliness. You've paved the way for mothers/home renovators worldwide. I know the feeling of sweaty armpits and that "Jeez, I sure hope this masks my scent" thought as you smear on another layer of deoderant. Having survived our own reno, two toddlers and the birth of our third right smack in the middle of the mess, I 'get' your frame of mind, Dwija.
    As hard as it gets for you, remember that your children are seeing the fruits of your efforts, your hard work and your positive outlook. Having grown up in a situation much like the one you are in right now, I have to say that despite the plaster and dust, my childhood had some magical moments thanks to our old farmhouse brought back to life, our animals and imaginations put to good use. Hang tough, friend.

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  24. P.S. It's not good to wash your hair everyday anyway.

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  25. I'm totally uncomfortable with your explanation of not changing your clothes for days on end so I'm going to continue with the explanation which I created in my head....which is that you have a serious meth addiction, which is sad, but allows you to do WAY more than you should in one 24 hour period.

    This is the ONLY way that I'll be able to continue to read and relate to you.

    I'm sure you understand. :)

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  26. Do you live in my house? Kidding. I shower, on average, 4 times a day. A. Day. Again, I kid. Truly, I now refer to is as "scraping the filth from my body" instead of "showering". Oh, and we had 1 teeny bathroom until I was pregnant with #5 and we got a really great tax refund and we used it to build a 2nd bathroom in our basement. And, to pay for surgery to have the dishrag removed from our dog's large intestine. Very true story. Feel slightly better? No? Me, neither.

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  27. My husband showers twice a day. Me, once every two days. We even out.
    Also, I haven't brushed my hair in 4 days. I lost my hairbrush.

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  28. Oh my goodness....you guys leave the most entertaining comments in the history of comment leaving! I get so excited when I get a new one because I know there will be some new magical confession.

    Love it!

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  29. Yep. I don't practice perfect hygiene. I'm trying to best my current record for leg hair length. Last time I got a haircut was in November, but I'm going tomorrow! Just for thinning purposes, my hair hurts at the roots sometimes.

    Tried the dry shampoo route a couple of times... don't have a natural bristle brush though, so it looked like I was a cast member of 'Our Town' for a day or so.

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  30. This past winter I decided to just stop shaving my underarms to see how long I'd be able to go and, I'll admit it - I kind of wondered how long it would actually get. It wasn't pretty and the children were scared.

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  31. Showering is for sissies! I practice the 2-3 days between showering rule too! Actually....SUPER GROSS...I have been known to (like today for instance) run, do Zumba, and then go to Liam's class play...NO SHOWER! Also, Dry Shampoo does rock, and it's not bad hygiene to skip showers, it's better for the environment. (see, now you are saving the earth as well as time!) I am barely busy though, and just don't really care about bathing.

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  32. Pfffft! I'm not the one who drinks Dr. Pepper for breakfast. Look who's gross now!

    :P

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  33. This is most def how I roll when I'm out of school for the summer. I count a splash in the baby pool as my shower.

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  34. Oh this is great! I only have two kids and I most definitely am not living in a fix it upper house but still I often wonder how I have time to do everything. But I do insist in at least squirting myself with the hose while watering the garden. LOL Your babies are beautiful! Speaking of babies... thank you for stopping by my blog and reading my baby's story and commenting. It meant the world to him and me!!!

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  35. I missed the twitter pepperoni saga, unfortunately. lol
    I have skipped showers before too. It's really quite liberating, ;)

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  36. Thank you Dweej! I LOVE a great new tip on how to save time! I've used this one before, but didn't realize that's what I was doing, so thanks for the extra dash of justification--I can always use it!

    So I guess I'd better jump on the almost-40-comments/confessions bandwagon (way to go girlfriend! WOW) and give you another: I haven't washed my car (inside or out) for well over six months. My hubby vacuums it once in a while when he gets especially exasperated, so that helps keep the dog hair and french fries under some semblance of control.

    But as for the outside? It's rained like at least once a week lately. I just use my daily commute as my very own personalized 20-minute carwash from God. Hey, where there's a will, there's a way! ;D

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  37. Everyone likes a safe place to confess, it's true ;)

    Yeah, the carwash thing...we live on a dirt road, so we've gotten the car properly washed *maybe* two times since we moved here. Just two!

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  38. I suggest sleeping sans pajamas so you have even less laundry! :) Then you'd have five kids and be even more crazy!!

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  39. I am laughing out loud thanks. With baby #3 and still working...I find myself also taking less showers bc I need he time for something else!

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