Many readers, both long-time friends and those I've yet to meet, have marveled at my apparent ability to complete 137% of the tasks that most humans are able to accomplish in a given day. Or month. Perhaps year. "How do you do it???" they ask wide-eyed and awe struck. "How do you fix up a house and take care of four kids and have those animals and still manage to say things to us here and post ridiculous things to facebook and tweet about microwaved pepperoni?" (True story. Just had that conversation quite recently. Not the marveling one. The microwaved pepperoni one.)
Answer: I do not bathe. I rarely even change my clothes.
I feel compelled to share this with you so that you don't all quit your jobs and buy ridiculously cheap fixer-uppers and then move into them and start crying and then never want to speak to me again except to tell me that I am a fool and evil for tricking you into your adventure by pretending that it is all easy as pie and totally awesomely wonderful all the time. I mean, have you read about the snakes? The frog day spa? The iron bacteria? Not an all-inclusive resort, let me assure you.
Truly, in order to maintain some semblance of order and accomplishment around here, I am lucky If I am able to bathe every other day. Usually it's every third day. I know! Isn't it gross that I'm telling you this? But it must be done, and I have no pride. Here's the thing guys: we have one bathroom. One bathroom. Six people. Sure, one of those people doesn't use the toilet yet (for its intended purpose). But she is still in there. All. The. Time. And either something is going on that prevents the showering (e.g. male child is pouring red food coloring on carpet. True story.) or someone else is in there (please see above, re: human to bathroom ratio).
If the showering (lack of) thing didn't disgust you enough, let me also say that I rarely have time to change my clothes. I am serious. Priorities, folks! Reply to hilarious comment about dog feces or change into pajamas before bed? Clearly there is only one choice here. So I collapse into bed wearing the same clothes I've worn all day.
Now imagine, if you will, that you have arisen from your bed fully clothed, are looking for ways to save time and there is little to no hope that you will be bathing that day. Do you a) change into another similarly ugly outfit thereby spending time you don't have whilst simultaneously creating more dirty laundry or b) just start your day as if it is but a rather lengthy extension of the previous day? That is what I thought, my clever co-human. That is exactly what I thought. No new laundry for us smart folk!
Also, I have not received any professional hair or nail attention in over a year. I eat two out of three meals with one hand and type with the other. I currently, at this moment, have seven windows open on my computer screen. And when I am done writing this, even though it is almost 11 p.m., I will proceed to clock in and do the work that people actually pay me to do. At 11 p.m. on a Sunday night. If this were in fact an all-inclusive resort, they'd (WE'D) be in huge frappin' trouble with the...FDA? FTC? CDC? I'm guessing all of the above.
Seriously, y'all. If you're interested in things like "not embarrassing your children" and "smelling good" or perhaps "getting more than five hours of sleep per night", then I hereby discourage you from undertaking an sort of adventure that smacks even remotely of ours. Because this has been hard and crazy.