Paul: Who lives at our old house?
Katie: Just some grouchy old lady.
Paul: Oh...so mama, then?
Let me just tell you what's going on 'round here lately (even though...DESPITE THE FACT THAT...it feels like I'm about to complain and I do not like that feeling) and maybe that will sort of feel the same as taking a break. Hopefully. Please say it will!
Remember that one time when Tommy got laid-off? Well since then, he's been working on a brand new concept for his guitars. I mean completely new. Talking to engineers (friends who work for free. Praise Jesus) and machining guys and people at that place where they cut fancy pieces of wood in some special manner. Hey, I don't know the real words. I just live here, people!
We've decided, or rather we've realized, that the only thing to do is to get Tommy and his brand new guitar, the design for which isn't even finished yet, to the Guitar Foundation of America convention. Which is in Columbus, GA. At the end of THIS month. June. At the end of June, in a state so far away, a man and a guitar that doesn't even exist yet.
We are tired.
He is tired.
Last night I looked at the clock. It was 10:47 p.m. and he was still in his workshop, mixing up a new batch of epoxy. Then something happened with some vacuum seal on something and then the air compressor had to be hooked up. At 11:13 p.m. And then we realized it would have to come on intermittently all. night. long. in order for yesterday's work to not be completely ruined. So it did. All. night. long. In a room immediately adjacent to the master bedroom.
And that's just a tiny snapshot of what we've been managing over the last couple of weeks. Issues with suppliers, delayed deliveries, essential components not being available. Plus of course the kids, the chickens, the dogs, the garden. Me wanting to go running but feeling like a selfish jerk for even suggesting it. Not being able to because Tommy needs to work. Me getting annoyed because he can't take a single day off until July 4th. Feeling guilty every time I interrupt him and then deciding it's not fair that I have to feel guilty for that. And then feeling guilty for that.
But of course, there are families dealing with real hardship and sadness. Illness, loss, depression. And I am being a jerk of a whiny baby for even going on about this. Because I really am thankful that we have this house in this beautiful place and these healthy children.
I just don't want to lose it. I want to be able to enjoy it.
That's just it. I am looking forward to the day that we can enjoy it together again. I'm simultaneously excited for this new phase to work out and fearful that it won't. Afraid that if I don't keep the kids out of the workshop or make sure everything is going smoothly or order the new fliers on time that it won't work out and I'll only have myself to blame.
But mostly I imagine getting on a plane all by myself and flying to the Netherlands where no one knows me and it will be quiet and I will read an actual book and go to the bathroom alone whenever I please. And bathe daily.
I need a break.
Sorry for being a whiny, selfish jerk.