Sunday, September 25, 2011

5 Twitter Users I will Not Follow Back

It's time to take control of my virtual life.  I need to make it as enjoyable and uplifting as possible, because Lord knows I've got enough stuff to deal with in my home life that I don't need to be held hostage by my computer screen.  So, in the spirit of making my own peace, I've come up with a few guidelines for myself to ease the stress that is inherent in the strange, convoluted world known as Twitter.  The following are the five twitter users that I just cannot follow back.


5. Blue Steel Guy
Oh yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about.  And yes, I mean you, Mr. I think I'm super smolder-y but really I'm pretty much a loser because I set up my own camera on a tripod my bathroom counter and made a Zoolander face into it.  If you follow me on twitter, I will wish there was a way to unfollow people that I never even followed to begin with because yes, that expression annoys me that much.
source


4. Mizz Sp11ing iz 2 hard. U h@z a pr0b wid dat?
Okay fine, that was a very lame attempt at doing that thing that super-de-duper awesome people do where they refuse spell out their words.  And not only do they not spell them out, they use punctuation marks instead of letters.  Why?!?!? It can't POSSIBLY be faster.  No sir.  Because do you know how long it took me to write that terrible title to this paragraph?  Approximately nine hours.  If you have ever even THOUGHT about writing like that in a non-ironic fashion, please refrain from following me because the chance of me following you back is some number less than zero.

3. Dude/ette Who's Proud of Being a Jerk
Look y'all...I spend approximately 78% of my life trying to make sure my kids don't act like jerks.  The other 22% is spent bemoaning the jerks who aren't my children that insist on trying to ruin my experience of this fine world.  So I've decided that I can no longer virtually hanging out with people who are PROUD of being jerks.  "Do I come across as being proud of being a jerk?"  Ask yourself this very important question before you, yes you, with the "I'm an a-- hole" or "Watch out- I'm a big fat b-word" splashed across your profile, decide to follow me.  Because...you guessed it...I will not be following you back.  'Cause what I need in life right now is not angry, my friends.  Happy.

2. Spammy Gender Confusion guy.  Or gal?
Hey spammers, here's a tip: make sure your fake profile picture and your fake name could possibly, on some continent, be a match.  Because if your pic is of a scantily clad young lady and your name is listed as Robert Gallahan I will not be following you back.  In fact, chances are good that I will report you for spam, especially if....

1. Your Profile is Nothing but Spam
Hello not-smart-wo/man, let me tell you something very special and awesome about twitter- everyone can see what you've tweeted.  If you don't believe me, ask Anthony Weiner.  It's true and crazy and public and scary and GREAT.  Great for me, and every other reasonable person, who sees that you have tweeted nothing but the same link to a zillion people.  Do you know what I will do if you follow me and/or tweet a random link at me?  You guessed it!

Related: who clicks on links from people they don't know?  Especially links with no supporting text?  If you just raised your hand: SHAME ON YOU!  Do not feed the Spamming Trolls!  For the love of all that is holy...


If you are looking to ease some of your online burden, try making a list of your own.  Maybe "5 Facebook users I'm happy to unfriend" or "Combox arguments I refuse to get sucked into".  It's truly empowering!


39 comments :

  1. Ditto that. Except I'm a horrible twitterer. All I do is spam you people with my junk. LOL

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  2. Since moving to WordPress, any spam knocking at my blog door is herded into a solitary cell where it's deleted; I never see the comments.

    My biggest pet peeve is always the "new follower" who never, ever leaves a worthwhile comment other than..."Follow me back at Hemorrhoidscanbefun@butthead.com". Do people really click on this junk?

    Good for you, Dweej...keep cleaning your virtual world!

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  3. how about the people who don't bother to even put up a pic, but have the egg as their profile pic. No tweets but 800 followers. Whats up with them I definitely will block their but.

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  4. @Patty- "Hemorrhoidscanbefun@butthead.com" Dying! DIE-ING.

    @Lisa-Totally! You know they just went around following everyone that says
    "I follow back 100%"!

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  5. Good list... the only one that I would add would be those who only tweet links automatically - like twittascope, tweet old post and/ Tribe friends links w/ Triberr.

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  6. Well, you already know I don't mind Triberr if it's used thoughtfully :)

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  7. It is good to know I am not missing much by not doing twitter! LOL!

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  8. I never used it before I had this blog, Ann. It's just VERY different from facebook :)

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  9. I don't twitter. I don't really get it. Surprise, surprise. But for the #3 on this post, can you explain your 78 and 23 reference, 'cause I don't get that either.

    As for "I will follow back," on my little blog that hardly anyone reads, I have 202 "followers." Uh huh, right. I have about 12 people who read me regularly, the other 190? Anxiously waiting to follow me back...Twitter is the same?

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  10. Oh my gosh, that is too funny. Thank you for catching that, Ellen! I wrote this at about midnight last night, and even had my hubby read it and you're the first person to notice my glaring math error! Hahahahahaha! So I fixed it :)

    And yes, I think all those other people are waiting for a follow back....just like twitter.

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  11. This is why I don't tweet and why I don't facebook as much anymore either. Especially since all the facebook changes, because nothing is more irritating than people on facebook chattering on about how much they hate facebook!!!

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  12. I have only a few followers on Twitter so I haven't gotten too many weirdos. Guess that's the price you pay for being awesome Dweej :) Luckily, it's easy to block them!

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  13. Nice! Try using something like Twiends.com and the horror is amplified.

    1. businesses in states you don't live in (car wash Des Moines is now following you!)
    2. people whose only bio note is “I’ll follow you back!” (Why? You don’t even know me! Whore!)
    3. A lot of people noting that they are “A kind loving friend.” (I want readers, and people I want to follow with similar interests – I already have a dog.)
    4. Braggers: “I’m a pro and you are looking like the prototype!”
    5. Bieber fans.
    6. A self-confessed 6 year old.
    7.Uncomfortably inspirational bios that find unique ways to use the word “loving” 65 times.
    8. Some people who are either really angry, or think anger will be perceived as “cool” – “Don’t like me? .. then f*ck you!” “Like my tweets? RT them.. Hate ‘em? I wish I can give a f*ck.” And my favorite: “F*ck a bio, and the mothafuckas reading this shit!” (Keep in mind all these people were using a service to try and get more followers.)
    9. 35 year old men who only want Miley Cyrus lovers.
    10. People very easily amused: ”Your readin My Bio , Who Does That ? Obviously You …. Lmfao !” (You misspelled “Your!” Lmfao!)

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  14. I'm a bad twitter friend. I pop in and out like a bad joke (zit, weasel).

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  15. Really good list! And great points! I especially agree about people who are proud of being jerks; I don't get it. :-/

    Jamie

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  16. Hahaha, love your list. I have many businesses following me for some reason. Businesses based in American cities. I'm not even in America. Wait, what?

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  17. Yeah, there are several users I don't follow back. For the most part I think I've had pretty good luck. But instead of just blindly following everyone who follows me, I follow those who I actually interact with.

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  18. So glad you linked up with Stasha!! I love your twitter list :) I agree on all of the above.

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  19. Oh so true. And those spammer chicks, why do they always wear nothing but bras?!
    I used to get rubbish spam comments. I put so much protection on, that unless people were related to me they could not say anything. But those spammers have come a long way. On my photography site I keep getting really sweet comments from loan comparison and dating sites saying they love my writing and my words inspire them. The only trouble is I only post photos. Unless the tittles to my post are earth moving...
    Love this List Dwija!!

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  20. Oh this is so true! The people who can't spell or use strange shorthand or punctuation instead? Drive me crazy!!

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  21. So, if I do all 5 of those things, is that bad?

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  22. @Bruce- if you manage to do every one of those things, you should get a medal or something!

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  23. LOL - love this list.
    I always wonder how a perky, blonde pilates instructor from South Cali, with no kids, not only finds me, but actually wants to follow my tweets!

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  24. I agreed to follow one person because of a follow back website and it turns out they have 20 Twitter accounts and I'm now getting all of them. One is in French and I don't even speak that language!

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  25. You just gave me one more reason why I don't tweet. I think I went to high school with too many of #5,4 & 3's. Thanks Dweej!

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  26. So very true, and bless you for passing on the word about #1. Really, really tired of ignoring spam.

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  27. Love this list - but I still love twitter :) I just ignore the users who I don't like who annoy me.

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  28. Yes! It's a good thing that the good users outnumber the bad by a lot :)

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  29. LOL! Omg, the post and all the comments are so hilareous! People tagging on twitter or facebook just for the sake of showing up in my stream is my biggest problem...well, that and I'm getting dating site spammers on the blog-seemingly sincere comments with links attatched to Russian Bride dating sites, for example.

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  30. Very funny list. I do not like profiles where the picture is being taken in a bathroom. Yikes.

    - mama and the city
    mamaandthecity.com

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  31. I know! Do they not have any other place or person to take one little photo of them? Bizarro.

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  32. It's REALLY bad when those bathroom pics have a toilet in the backround. Ya might wanna crop that out, people! Lol.

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  33. Being new to twitter, I really enjoyed his...thanks!

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  34. haha! that was being totally and ridiculously rude!

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  35. Ha. Duh. I read this and loved it.

    I think I loved it more this time around though.

    Thanks!!!

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