Or maybe not.
'Cause there are just some things that books are afraid to tell you because if they TELL you you're gonna be all "Um, no way. This book is insane. I refuse to spend my precious dollars on it because clearly it was written by lunatics." And then you will not buy it and the publishers will cry.
Well guess what? My blog is free! So I don't mind if you call me insane and suggest that I'm a lunatic because, um, hello- we are all in agreement about those two facts already.
In light of that fact, I think it's high time for....
Oh yes you will. One day, you will realize that you have not peed in at least 16 hours and your sweet, precious bundle will REFUSE to be put down, and because there is only one sound worse than the sound of that cry (that being the sound of you peeing on your kitchen floor), you will have no choice but to hold the child whilst you pee. Yes, we've all done it. Our kids are mostly-normal, I swear.
1)You will hold your baby while sitting on the toilet.
2) You will hold your baby while sitting on a public toilet.
Then it will happen at the grocery store. Because your cart will be very full and you'll be forbidden from taking it into the restroom with you. So you have to take your tiny nugget out of his safety seat of cleanliness and bring him into the stall with you. And what, you're gonna lay him on that nasty floor? And he can't, like, stand up yet. So you will hold him while you pee on a public toilet.
3) You will nurse your baby wile sitting on a public toilet.
I wish I was joking. It would be a terrible joke, for sure...but still. I wish. See, you will be holding your baby in a distinctly nom-nom position and so naturally she will demand a snack. Immediately. Stat. This instant baby must have snack. And honestly, there isn't anywhere else to feed her anyway. Trust me.
4) You will still think you're the only one who has ever done it.
No matter how many times you hear that other people have done these insane, gross things, you will forget or not believe them or think they're only humoring you. They are not humoring you. We've literally ALL done those things. Unless we have a nanny and a housekeeper and an errand running lady, in which case we are not reading this blog, now are we? No, we're busy being waited on hand and foot and having our fave reality shows filmed in our houses.
5) Speaking of gross things: The Towel Over the Pee
Sorry all of these have basically been about pee. But there is a LOT of pee to contend with when the little ones are, well, little. So one night you'll be so insanely exhausted that it feels like your eyeballs are about to fall out of your head and your speech is slurring a little and you will have just entered that magical state of deep sleep that feels like a tall drink of water in the middle of the desert....and your small one will awaken you with that unmistakable squawk. And you will discover that his diaper has leaked through his jammies and onto the sheet.
You will not change the sheet. Yes, you will change the jammies because you are strong and amazing and can somehow function on 2.7 hours of sleep per 24 hour period and know that wet jammies will result in less sleep and not more. But those sheets will stay. You'll lay a towel down right over that pee spot and you will immediately fall back asleep.
6) Cold Cereal for Dinner
It has come to my attention that not every person regularly consumes cold cereal for dinner. You guys, have you SEEN how many vitamins are in that stuff???? Add some dang milk and some sliced bananas and you've got yourself a complete meal! I say this because you will say this to your darling husband at least thrice weekly after your wee one arrives. Because you know what's worse than trying to hold your baby on a public toilet? Trying to grease pyrex with one hand while you hold baby in the other. Just trust me on that one, will ya?
7) Everyone Will Smell Bad.
There are just not enough minutes in a day to take care of a newborn, eat, pee, AND shower. Just make peace with showering every other day (at best) and you'll be a much happier woman, truly. Plus, you can be all eco-friendly and stuff. Shazam!
8) That stretch-mark lotion commercial is a total lie.
Please, please, please do not spend even one cent on over the counter lotion to prevent or get rid of stretch marks. Tell those commercials to shut their faces, trying to make them seem like something you need to worry about. Yeah, 'cause new mom's NEED some new thing to worry about, right? The stretch marks are genetic. Some women get 'em, some don't. It has nothing to do with cocoa butter or any other kind of butter. If you have some butter, just eat it, okay?
9) Speaking of Buying Stuff: Don't memorize your debit card number.
Because if you do, you'll be sitting in front of the Wen infomercial at 2 a.m. one fateful Thursday and you will say "Why yes. Yes I DO want full, luscious, shiny hair. My hair hasn't looked good in MONTHS! Clearly this is a product I must have." And then you will order it and every month a huge amount will be sent to you and automatically charged to that card, but you will be so busy holding your baby on public toilets that you will never remember to call and cancel. Hypothetically.
10) It really, actually, totally, truly is all worth it.
That sweet, plump check pressed against your shoulder. Those dimpled fingers laced through yours. His eyes lighting up when he learns to read. Her giggles as she tells her first knock-knock joke. Those small magical moments will fill your heart and lift your spirit and will be more joy and wonderful than you can even imagine.
I'm linking this post with Erica's fabulous lovelinks! Make sure to check 'em all out :)
My friend Cari is also launching a new meme this week called Snapshots From a Sunday. She's going to feature photos from moms all over the country taken at different times throughout the day so we can see life instead of just read about it. I'm super excited. Should be up today, so click the box below and have a look!