Monday, October 24, 2011

Top 10 Tips for New Moms

Congratulations!  You are about to have/just recently had your first baby!  Knowing you, you've scoured the internet and all those message boards and read that Girlfriend's Guide AND that annoying helpful What to Expect thing.  You. Are. Ready.

Or maybe not.

'Cause there are just some things that books are afraid to tell you because if they TELL you you're gonna be all "Um, no way.  This book is insane.  I refuse to spend my precious dollars on it because clearly it was written by lunatics." And then you will not buy it and the publishers will cry.


Well guess what?  My blog is free!  So I don't mind if you call me insane and suggest that I'm a lunatic because, um, hello- we are all in agreement about those two facts already.

In light of that fact, I think it's high time for....

Top 10 Tips for New Moms
1)You will hold your baby while sitting on the toilet.
Oh yes you will.  One day, you will realize that you have not peed in at least 16 hours and your sweet, precious bundle will REFUSE to be put down, and because there is only one sound worse than the sound of that cry (that being the sound of you peeing on your kitchen floor), you will have no choice but to hold the child whilst you pee.  Yes, we've all done it.  Our kids are mostly-normal, I swear.

2) You will hold your baby while sitting on a public toilet.
Then it will happen at the grocery store.  Because your cart will be very full and you'll be forbidden from taking it into the restroom with you.  So you have to take your tiny nugget out of his safety seat of cleanliness and bring him into the stall with you.  And what, you're gonna lay him on that nasty floor?  And he can't, like, stand up yet.  So you will hold him while you pee on a public toilet.

3) You will nurse your baby wile sitting on a public toilet.
I wish I was joking.  It would be a terrible joke, for sure...but still.  I wish.  See, you will be holding your baby in a distinctly nom-nom position and so naturally she will demand a snack.  Immediately.  Stat.  This instant baby must have snack.  And honestly, there isn't anywhere else to feed her anyway.  Trust me.

4) You will still think you're the only one who has ever done it.
No matter how many times you hear that other people have done these insane, gross things, you will forget or not believe them or think they're only humoring you.  They are not humoring you.  We've literally ALL done those things.  Unless we have a nanny and a housekeeper and an errand running lady, in which case we are not reading this blog, now are we?  No, we're busy being waited on hand and foot and having our fave reality shows filmed in our houses.

5) Speaking of gross things: The Towel Over the Pee
Sorry all of these have basically been about pee.  But there is a LOT of pee to contend with when the little ones are, well, little.  So one night you'll be so insanely exhausted that it feels like your eyeballs are about to fall out of your head and your speech is slurring a little and you will have just entered that magical state of deep sleep that feels like a tall drink of water in the middle of the desert....and your small one will awaken you with that unmistakable squawk.  And you will discover that his diaper has leaked through his jammies and onto the sheet.

You will not change the sheet.  Yes, you will change the jammies because you are strong and amazing and can somehow function on 2.7 hours of sleep per 24 hour period and know that wet jammies will result in less sleep and not more.  But those sheets will stay.  You'll lay a towel down right over that pee spot and you will immediately fall back asleep.

6) Cold Cereal for Dinner
It has come to my attention that not every person regularly consumes cold cereal for dinner.  You guys, have you SEEN how many vitamins are in that stuff????  Add some dang milk and some sliced bananas and you've got yourself a complete meal!  I say this because you will say this to your darling husband at least thrice weekly after your wee one arrives.  Because you know what's worse than trying to hold your baby on a public toilet?  Trying to grease pyrex with one hand while you hold baby in the other.  Just trust me on that one, will ya?

7) Everyone Will Smell Bad.
There are just not enough minutes in a day to take care of a newborn, eat, pee, AND shower.   Just make peace with showering every other day (at best) and you'll be a much happier woman, truly.  Plus, you can be all eco-friendly and stuff.  Shazam!

8) That stretch-mark lotion commercial is a total lie.
Please, please, please do not spend even one cent on over the counter lotion to prevent or get rid of stretch marks.  Tell those commercials to shut their faces, trying to make them seem like something you need to worry about.  Yeah, 'cause new mom's NEED some new thing to worry about, right?  The stretch marks are genetic.  Some women get 'em, some don't.  It has nothing to do with cocoa butter or any other kind of butter.  If you have some butter, just eat it, okay?

9) Speaking of Buying Stuff: Don't memorize your debit card number.
Because if you do, you'll be sitting in front of the Wen infomercial at 2 a.m. one fateful Thursday and you will say "Why yes.  Yes I DO want full, luscious, shiny hair. My hair hasn't looked good in MONTHS!  Clearly this is a product I must have." And then you will order it and every month a huge amount will be sent to you and automatically charged to that card, but you will be so busy holding your baby on public toilets that you will never remember to call and cancel.  Hypothetically.

10) It really, actually, totally, truly is all worth it.
That sweet, plump check pressed against your shoulder.  Those dimpled fingers laced through yours.  His eyes lighting up when he learns to read.  Her giggles as she tells her first knock-knock joke.  Those small magical moments will fill your heart and lift your spirit and will be more joy and wonderful than you can even imagine.

I'm linking this post with Erica's fabulous lovelinks!  Make sure to check 'em all out :)


My friend Cari is also launching a new meme this week called Snapshots From a Sunday.  She's going to feature photos from moms all over the country taken at different times throughout the day so we can see life instead of just read about it.  I'm super excited.  Should be up today, so click the box below and have a look!


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69 comments :

  1. I nodded along to all. ALL of these. Especially the pee ones. Yup, I've down the towel over the sheet after a leak. Ahem.

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  2. Haha! I've definitely done those on the toilet and pee - 1,2,3,&5. And I so agree with #8!

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  3. As to #5, coming from a dad: Use a towel and not newspapers. I tried newspapers because I saw it on "Big Daddy" - don't do that.

    In fact, if you are a dad, or a mom, or someone else - don't take any parenting advice from Big daddy. It is funny, but it ends up really bad - hence newspaper on pee, on a bed.

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  4. I'm DYING laughing here! It's all so very true!!

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  5. Hm, it's been 25 years so there are a few things on the list that weren't around then (debit card, Wen...) but still I didn't do a few of these. However, I can see how they would, could and will happen to many moms, and must admit I lived on #6 for two decades, until my new husband thought I was insane...

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  6. I still eat cold cereal for dinner. My littles are such picky eaters and underweight. By the time I find something they will eat, I just want a bowl of cereal for myself.

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  7. I thought the bowl of cereal would never happen to me. Yeah, leave it to my husband. My child made it to almost three before my husband gave her cold cereal for dinner. He didn't even put fruit in it. When I asked him about it, he said, "That's what she wanted." We are so not parents that give our child what she always wants. But he did that night.

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  8. Ha ha ha! There used to be a fabulous magazine for moms -- sadly not around anymore -- called "Welcome Home." Dweej, reading your blog is like reading that magazine. One of my all-time favorite articles was called "Fresh Frozen Fish Sticks." It was by a mom who had vowed her kids would always eat perfect meals and then realized one hectic day that her kids were eating fish sticks -- still frozen -- right from the freezer! On purpose! Because they wanted to!

    Gail Finke

    After my first baby was born I prided myself on getting a shower every day, even if it was the last thing I did. Baby number two? Who cares!!!! I got a shower every other day for a year and never thought a thing of it.

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  9. This is the best and first REAL advice I've heard about being a new mom. I need to remember this in a few months. ;)

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  10. HA! These are great because they are SO TRUE! I've managed, however, in all my nursing (3 kids so far 2 years each) to only 1 time have to sit on a public toilet to nurse. Thanks for sharing your fabulous list and making us laugh again :)

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  11. Go Erin! 6 years of nursing and only one public toilet incident is AWESOME!

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  12. The towel over the pee. Yes, we've done that move about a million times. Only thing is, since we co-sleep with the babies, it means we get to share in the towely fun.

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  13. Oh how true these are! While I will proudly say I have been nursing continously now for almost 7 years and never once nursed in a restroom - I have no, and I mean NO, problem nursing in public (don't get me started on that one), unfortunately I can't be as proud about all the rest.
    Peeing while holding a baby, ahem, not just peeing my friend...
    Laying down a towel...on my bed too, not just the crib. In fact a towel has covered up a lot of bodily fluids (vomit, poo, drool, spit up, etc) my babies have released on my bed. Oh and as for changing the jammies, only sometimes. yep I've been known to let my babies sleep with just a diaper on.
    Actually, my whole view of pee changed with a week of having baby #1. It quickly went from "ew gross, how unsanitary!" to "Pee is sterile, what's the big deal?"
    Emily C

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  14. Re: #5 - Oh, yes. When my oldest daughter was little and we co-slept, she's frequently spit up all over the bed just as we were both falling asleep (thankfully, she usually managed to miss getting it all over herself). It got to the point where I'd wipe myself off, throw a towel over the sheets, and go back to sleep.

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  15. I've always wanted to try WEN. LOL But I've never peed while holding a baby. I just don't think I'm coordinated to pull it off!

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  16. true, true, true, true....1-10 TRUE.

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  17. As a first time mom-to-be (5 weeks until my due date), I think you meant to write some of these things to shock me (and others like me, obviously this isn't all about ME) into being realistic. But honestly, I read each one and they all made perfect sense - not too much shock value! Although I have been getting better about cooking recently, my husband is already well acquainted with cereal for dinner!

    I already have our credit card number memorized - uh oh!

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  18. You just be careful of those infomercials, young lady! ;)

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  19. Great advice. Is it bad that I knew exactly what you were going to say the minute I read "Towel Over the Pee?"

    I honestly can't remember ever peeing while holding the baby. Not saying it never happened, just that I was probably also sleeping at the same time!

    My husband and I had a ranking system for "baby fluids." Once you see all the horror that those little guys are capable of producing, pee suddenly doesn't seem like such a big deal. ;)

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  20. Ha! Have to agree with them all.

    Once we had ice cream for dinner when daddy was out of town. Reminded my girls who really is the "fun" parent! Since they had forgotten when he left.

    cheers, Megan

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  21. This is so perfect. Had me laughing out loud!

    -Lacy

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  22. Yes. Except for the shampoo (because my hair gets ridiculously thick and luscious when I'm preggo and stays like that for months) I've experienced all of this. Public toilet pee/breastfeeding and all. Believe it all Moms-to-be!

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  23. So true, so funny. I fed on the toilet in NYC but because I was told not to in a restaurant. Sad :(
    Love your number 10 Dweeja.

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  24. Dwija, sorry for the misspell my predictive text though it would be fun to change your name a bit and ad an a...

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  25. I love this post! You should do a post on the top 10 things nobody tells you about pregnancy. There's all kinds of good stuff there!

    I'm expecting #5 any day now, and I could totally relate to this list! I've never nursed a baby in a public bathroom though - I just can't bring myself to do it. Everything else, however - for sure. And I could really relate to the stretch mark tip. Give me a break, nothing works. I've just learned how to deal with loathing my body, the best way for me is to not have a full length mirror.
    And I love cereal for dinner. I had it last night.

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  26. @Stasha- Hahaha! You are so funny. Any old way your text wants to spell it is okay by me ;)

    @Andrea- I'm super impressed at anyone whose managed to avoid the public restroom feedings. My babies are such...pigs! ;)

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  27. Great post. I am allergic to public restrooms, but not to sleeping on top of towels in the pee bed. Go figure.

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  28. Um, yes. To all of it. Although I greatly prefer to nurse in a nice comfy dressing room, preferably with a door that actually locks instead of a silly curtain :)

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  29. Ah yes, when I am blessed enough to be at a grocery store that also sells clothes I do a mental jig of gratitude!

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  30. These are hilarious. And make me grateful I have such a horrible memory that I'll never be in danger of memorizing my debit card number!

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  31. Love this! As number 2 quickly approaches, a little reality is a good thing. Thanks!

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  32. Ah Dweej. Yes, the nursing on the public toilet. I did really believe I was the only one. Awesomely funny list!

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  33. Awesome list...and so TRUE, especially #1-8, 10. Luckily my memory is not what it used to be before kids for #9 to be an issue yet. Such a great post!!!

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  34. I think the proper response to being told to nurse a baby in the bathroom is to invite the person to take a sandwich into the bathroom and eat it there.

    All of the list is true - although I never nursed a baby on the toilet. Let 'em scream, that was my motto! It gives my grown children something to talk to their therapists about now!

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  35. Hilarious!! I also only nursed on a public toilet once....and even then, it wasn't a successful attempt. My daughter at that point would only nurse in a dark quiet room or else she unlatched and looked around every 2 seconds leaving my boobs spraying milk all over everything. I did, however, sit on the toilet at HOME nursing both kids many many times.

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  36. You should write a book, now that was an honest list and as true as it gets and gut wrenching funny. I read it out loud to The Hubby after he gave me that "have you lost your mind " look since I was laughing right out loud (I am reading while he drives) Funny I just commented to Simone about holding babies and peeing, oh yeah it can be done! I will be back to your site!

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  37. Shazam! Life becomes so Wet when you have kids, doesn't it?

    Number ten made me a little weepy. *sniffle*

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  38. Dwija- This was fabulous! Of course, as I started your list I couldn't help but laugh with each progression of bathroom behavior!

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  39. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go especially right after giving birth to a baby! I've definitely held and nursed a baby while sitting on a toliet!

    Fantastic list!

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  40. Hahahaha!! I am SO glad I'm not the only one to hold my baby while peeing...I've never told anyone that before.
    And cereal for dinner...well we still do that around here, especially if the husband isn't home ;)
    Great list XO

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  41. When I wrote it I seriously said a prayer that I wasn't the only one who had done it....and lo a behold, as usual, I wasn't! :)

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  42. OH gosh... Thanks yet again for sharing lots of fun stuff for me to look forward to if/when I have kids... HAHAHA! That's ok... I've been around lots of babies. I kind of knew some of this was coming. ;)

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  43. I have no idea what kind of a mother you are but I haven't done any of those things.

    Nope, not a one.

    Ahem.

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  44. Yep - did #1, 2, 3 & 4. And #8? Couldn't agree more! Total sham.

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  45. Oh my goodness, SO funny! I have totally held my kid while using the restroom b/c only 1 of us wears diapers and it's not me! You gotta do what you gotta do.

    And there's nothing wrong with cereal for dinner!

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  46. Thank you do much for the laugh. Holding a newborn while on a public toilet Is much easier than holding a squirming one year old...or so I've heard...ha!

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  47. I do believe I have done every one, and I do agree with number 10 too...but I always add to new moms that if you aren't immediately over the moon with joy about your new baby, it's totally OK. It will happen and it will be amazing, and it will still beyond suck every now and then. It's a transition, it's going from focus on self to focus on baby and it can be challenging.

    Great list! I have done the nurse a baby on a public toilet while two other kids watch and ask loud questions about reproduction, boobs, why Daddy has nipples, etc. It's all so embarrassing, humiliating, and hilarious.

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  48. I am so glad you included nursing on a public toilet. I get so much flak for that one. It's nice to see someone else has been there!

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  49. This is hilarious! And a hit post! :) Congrats on all the great feedback. I will read these, stick them waaay back in the corner of my mind, pretend it will all be smiles and flowers and unicorns with kids. And when we do have them, I will revisit this and laugh some more ;)

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  50. I can relate to your list.. especially the one on stretch mark cream.. I gave up using it after the 1st baby.

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  51. Dweej, you are a riot! I'm sitting in a public place reading this trying desperately not to LOL. I'm sharing this list with all of my moms friends! Not a single thing I could not relate to there (sorry for the double negative). :)

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  52. The new moms have much to learn about the great pee mysteries of the world. I'm glad you're doing your part to enlighten them!

    Also...I don't even have a baby and I'm about to sell two boxes of Wen products on ebay. I can't remember to call and cancel either.

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  53. I've done all of these except the ordering hair product. It was Mary Kay make-up for me, though no debit card number memorization. Can I add, you will let your child nurse while standing next to you sitting on the toilet? But after five seconds of nursing just to see if you'll let me nursing, she'll play peek-a-boo with you from behind the sink. Heart. :)

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  54. Oh. Em. Gee you are HILARIOUS! This post had me CRACKING UP!!! Really nailed it about newborns. Completely lol.


    Jamie
    For Love of Cupcakes

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  55. Been there done that.....especially with the one that nursed for 15 months!

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  56. I love this list. It's amazing. And hilarious. And I've wished several times that I didn't have my debit card number memorized.

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  57. It really is a horribly dangerous thing! XD

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  58. First of all: I adore your header.
    Second: I started laughing aloud at the first tip, I barely survived reading this, you are hilarious!
    Oh yes I've been there!

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  59. LOL! These were good!... and all sooo unfortunately true! (well, except for 10 - that one's not unfortunate. It's just true!) Great list :)

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  60. If I didn't have an irrational, paralyzing fear of calling people on the phone, I would have Wen too. And my hair would be marvelous!

    I heart your list, so funny and true (except I have never nursed on a public toilet).

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  61. All so super true. Livin' the dream, right? LOL

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  62. Oh my, I am laughing sooooooooo hard. It all is so so true. :-)

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  63. I think I managed to never pee at home while holding Liam. But, I lacked that mom gene that would render me helpless at the sound of his crying. I would however, bring the bouncy chair into the bathroom while I peed, in case in the 35 seconds I was gone he decided being a fairly contained 6 week old was no longer fun so he was going to unclip from the chair and walk out of the 3rd floor locked apartment to his death! I FULLY admit to holding him and nursing him MANY times in public bathrooms. There is no way around that, save being a recluse.

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