Friday, June 08, 2012

7 Quick Takes: When Critters Attack



You guys don't know how badly I wish this was leading up to some lame joke or some story about a thing that happened a looooooooong time ago.  But it isn't and it's not.

This morning, while my darling midwife was here being her darling, soft spoken self, Paul came running into the living room from the den.  

"There's a snake in here!"

At first I thought it was part of a game, then I saw something that I thought for sure had to be a wire or a toy or a FIGMENT OF MY FREAKING IMAGINATION.

Oh, but it wasn't.  It totally was not.

It was up...somehow...near the ceiling behind a bookshelf, near or in the doorway.  So hard to explain.  I'd draw a picture but, well, you know.  And then it fell from said gravity-defying height, plop right onto the carpet.  And it looked like this:
Garter Snake
Squeeling!  Shrieking!  People climbing onto tables!  

And even the kids freaked out a little!

He slithered behind a (mercifully) empty trashcan, and my darling midwife, who is a darling and totally my hero and I love her, turned the trashcan over on top of him.

I decided I needed to call Tommy (of course.  Just like with the mouse incident.  Which apparently was also on a Friday.  Why are critters trying to ruin Fridays for me?) but Linda (the midwife) told me to just get her a cookie sheet with no sides on it.

So I called Tommy anyway.

Do you know that he had the audacity to laugh?  He laughed!  WE COULD HAVE DIED.

Then I got the cookie sheet, and she slid it under the trash can, and then she took the whole contraption outside.  I had the terribly challenging task of opening the door for her, by the way, which was terribly challenging and I don't know if I've quite recovered yet.

And all the questions you're asking are the exact ones I'm asking and I have no answers and pretty much I need to go stay in a hotel or something until this situation is remedied to my satisfaction.  Meaning, of course, that someone bulldozes our house and builds me a brand new one.  Yep, that's the only solution.  Blech!

7 quick takes sm1 7 Quick Takes Friday (vol. 175)

p.s. At the end of the day, I'm closing comments on the birthday poll.  So git yer guesses in!  Click here to see a picture of the necklace and click here to go straight to the guessin' zone.  Good luck!

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  1. You need a new Friday blog name thingy (you know, like Quick Takes, or Wordless Wednesday). Maybe Friday Critter Fritters, where you take a picture of the critter that sneaked into your house that day, and then have people post recipes in the combox.

  2. I was SO not expecting this.
    Oh my worth, I would have died! I´m amazed that you didn´t give birth right then and there..
    Seriously, I´m in shock and I wasn´t even there!
    Bulldozing the house is the ONLY solution ;)

  3. Let me get this straight. You had both the midwife AND a snake in your house (RAINING FROM THE CEILING) at the same time... and you didn't go into labor?!?! Clearly this baby is a stubborn one or does not have the appropriate fear of snakes.

  4. I love your midwife, too. Love her.
    We had a spell when we'd keep having starlings fall down our chimney and end up in the basement, but alas! no midwife was there to talk us through it.

    Worth their weight in gold midwives are, I tell you.

  5. Critters know who hates them, and they seek you out, I think.

  6. garter snake. eats spiders and rodents and other things you also do not want in your house. harmless but creepy. deep breaths. Kiss your midwife, pinch Tommy for laughing, and maybe light a vela or two to the patron saint of snakeless abodes. :-)

  7. I don't mind snakes. In theory. But if one appeared in my house, I expect my reaction would be similar to yours. Your midwife = my hero.

  8. I understand snakes' place in the ecosystem, but I'm with you -- they are freeeeeaaaaky. I still have not gotten over my childhood as a missionary kid growing up in totally snake-infested Bangladesh, Thailand, and Malaysia. I will never forget the fact that we once found the shed skin of a snake on the sill of a second-floor window, nor the (story of -- I was a baby) my mom deciding to wait till morning to pick up some toys, and the first block she picked up had a baby cobra under it. Nor the time... Never mind, I'll stop for now. :-)

  9. ahh, country living. the 1st time i found a snake in the house (yes, the FIRST time) my actual thought was an exasperated "man, which boy dragged a rope in here, sigh, guess i'll pick it up." luckily, my brain kicked in before i touched it.

  10. No snakes, but when I was about seven months pregnant, I heard a ruckus in my kitchen, so I went to take a look. A SQUIRREL had somehow made his way into my kitchen. I freaked out. Because, you know, of the RABIES. I retreated to my room, called my husband who was FIVE HOURS away, who then called his son to come take care of the situation. When he came in the front door, the squirrel was now on my couch in the living room. It saw Joe, pooped, and then ran down to the basement where Joe chased it out with a brook. I could have died. If I had my own blog, it would have been post worthy.

    1. Broom, that is...a brook might have drowned the savage beast, but it isn't particularly portable...

  11. Well...based on your history of unwanted animals in the house... I think the baby will be born when the 3rd unwanted animal shows up. Say next Friday? I hope for your sake it will be a nice birdie or hedgehog. Nothing too scary.

    BTW, super midwife!!

  12. Your midwife is AMAZING! I would have had my husband come home and chop the snake's head off. We're like that.

  13. Ahhhhhh! I'd already be in a hotel with someone having to talk me in to coming home sometime in the next year. My fear of snakes is pretty much paralyzing...I just...would probably roll over and cry.

  14. OH man!!! I HATE SNAKES! Loath their existence. ick ick ick. So glad Linda was there to save you!!!

  15. Hahaha!! Oh, Dweej, I have been away far too long! I forget how you make me laugh! I probably would have peed my pants if there were a snake in my house!

  16. I was cleaning an unoccupied house with my Mother several years ago, the owners had been there the week before and had left the back door open while they came and went from the house. As I was dusting, I picked up a large stuffed animal they had sitting near the fireplace in the living room (as decoration). I was NOT prepared to find a 6 to 8 foot snake under it!

    I ran screaming from the fireplace, across the living and dining room to climb on the kitchen counter! My Mother came to see what I was screaming about (assuming it was a spider and ready to yell at me to "just suck it up with the vacuum"). All I could do was point and scream! Luckily for us (sissy girls who are both terrified of snakes), we were cleaning in a gated golf community that came staffed with maintenance people (whom were all friends and ex-coworkers of my Mother). So, we called them and when he arrived (with a pair of tongs to grab the "little snake" with) he was giving us a hard time about it...until HE moved the stuffed animal! He also jumped and went running out of the room! But, being a "man"...he returned with a long snake-catching pole and a 5-gallon bucket to put said snake into to take outside (and across the road). was a 6 to 8 foot Gardner Snake (about as be around as your thumb)!

  17. Ha! You so make me laugh!!
    -Sarah Hardy Scott

  18. When I was little, we lived in a house that frequently had snakes. They were usually in the basement, but every once in a while they'd be on the upstairs steps. (What the . . . ?) My mom always made my brother and me remove them, which was okay, (they were just harmless garter snakes) but they do musk on you when you pick them up. A couple years ago, I found a snake underneath my desk at the museum. I wasn't as brave as I was when I was five though and I made a museum visitor "who just loved snakes" take it outside. I just don't like the way they move. It always freaks me out! And that musk is stinky, stinky stuff. Best of luck. I hope those snakes stay outside where they belong!

  19. I would have died. Died.

    (Linda is awesome, isn't she? She is so calm and the perfect counterpoint to my big personality. This is why I love her. I did not know that I could add "snake catcher" to her list of positive attributes!)

    1. Oh my gosh...I was completely out of control. I don't know what I would have done if she wasn't here! She laughed and said "Well I'll just take care of it since I can see you're not going be of any help!"

      It was awesome :)

  20. So lucky you had someone!! I had to watch the one in our basement (so I knew where it was) until my husband got home... good thing it was near the end of his shift. I was quite pregnant, too, AND dealing with mice, etc. I feel your pain.

  21. Wow! Who is your midwife? I also have a midwife named Linda, who helped me birth 6 babies at home. Could she be the same awesome woman?

    1. Well, if you're in southwest Michigan and her last name is Healey, then we're midwife twins, Bonnie! :-)

  22. This is probably worse than a mouse because how do you trap a snake? That mid-wife deserves some type of award. Don't you think? I'm surprised you didn't have that baby right then and there.


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