The other day Grace did one of those moment-by-moment recaps of her morning and I swore up and down that I could never do it because I would look like a lazy loser compared to a woman with THREE BABIES IN DIAPERS. But it turns out I'm a big fat liar because I did it anyway.
You know what's more tiring than doing the stuff? Writing it down while you do it. I swear that added 25% more time to every single dadgum task! You guys? I am never doing this again. No.
But I friggin' wrote all this stuff down, so you're gonna read it. Wow, I am magnanimous
7:14- Mary wakes up and demands milky snack from cow mother. Cow mother curses Downton Abbey for keeping her up way too late because cow mother didn't watch it in real time but rather after the fact and started at almost midnight. Yes. Cow mother is an idiot
7:20- Cecilia appears and demands solid snacks in the form of breakfast. Calf baby is still nomming. Cecilia is vocally insulted.
7:23- Paul appears. Complains that he accidentally peed on his pajamas a little while trying to go potty. Attempts to climb into cow mother's bed anyway. Cow mother uncharitably prohibits and sends him to change his pants
7:24- more cursing of Downton Abbey as cow mother wrenches herself out of another doze
8:02- change Mary's diaper. Toss wet diaper into the washing machine.
8:08- scowl at the bottle of vinegar left strategically next to the coffee maker. Add "clean coffee machine" to the to-do list in the day planner
8:09- pour coffee for myself and two tyrannical children who have been ruined...RUINED I TELL YOU...by their father's love affair with the bean of the coffee.
8:11- take two photos of coffee mugs. Roll eyes at myself.
8:15- Have bleary eyed discussion with Katy about the etymological origins of the word Monday. Exhibit great restraint by not giving any snarky responses.
8:18- agree to no-protein, high-suger Honey Nut Cheerios (not generic. The best) for
8:20- Find Mary underneath the naked Christmas tree that needs to be taken out of my house this very instant before I have a heart attack because LAWDY LAWDY I need to vacuum.
8:25- start finishing the weekly school schedule that should have been finished last night but wasn't because Downton Abbey is a jerk.
8:27- Paul: can we make gigantic pizzas today? If penguins came over, they would love it!
8:41- Cecilia: it is dark in this room! why are the curtains closed! but I don't wanna get dressed!
8:42- Find Cecilia in Mary's crib.
8:47- File last week's completed school work and find last YEAR'S completed school work still in that folder. Marvel at my incredible organizational abilities.
8:48- Oh my gosh. I haven't brushed my teeth yet. Gross.
8:51- hang wet (clean) diaper covers from yesterday on the drying rack.
8:53- Mary rolls onto guitar stand and demands I carry her in reparation for its sins.
8:54- trip over enormous push broom in the entry way which Ceci is using to "clean up"
9:01- Elizabeth! Get out of bed! It's 9 o'clock and the dogs need breakfast and you need to get up.
9:06- insist that Paul get dressed. Give self-feeder of awesomeness filled with banana to Mary.
9:12- start photocopies of this week's science lesson. Add printer paper to shopping list.
9:15- scoop up toys in living room and dining room on my way to the play room to
9:16- discover Cecilia's uneaten bowl of soggy cereal on the table. Eat it. Oh yes I did.
9:18- escape to the bathroom while no one is paying attention to me. Cecilia is immediately in the hallway banging on the door demanding entry. Should have left the door open.
9:21- having not eaten breakfast, Cecilia requests a banana "like a monkey". Oblige and refill Mary's non nom while I'm at it.
9:24- finish up science booklets. Insist Paul go potty. Paul: How did you know I needed to? Me: You were doing that special dance.
9:30- sneak off to get dressed (a shower is a no-can-do on this kind of Monday). Waste 2 precious minutes looking for a specific pair of earrings because I am an idiot and then finally just wear the same ones I wore yesterday. Lizzy brings me a screw she found on the floor. The dogs demand to go out.
9:37- frozen waffle into the toaster for Hobbit #1 (age 2)
9:41- time to nurse Hobbit #2 (age 6 months). Grab my phone on the way to the sofa so I can check email for the first time while Mary eats.
9:53- check twitter on the phone since baby is still eating. See that my #pray2lose friends are being all proactive with exercise and water drinking and meanwhile I'm wondering if there's enough coffee for a third cup.
9:55- Curse Downton Abbey
9:56- Change Mary's diaper. Toss wet diaper into machine.
10:02- Toss (not literally. Be serious.) Mary into her bed for her 10 a.m. nap.
10:04- read TWO highly educational books to Cecilia while the big kids get started on their school work.
10:31- Mary makes a peep from her bed. Lizzy kindly offers to stop doing her math and go get her. Cow mother politely tells her to keep her nose in her book, thankyouverymuch.
10:32- read Little Bear with Paul
10:41- start a second waffle for Hobbit #1
10:42- Paul practices his handwriting while I get the pre-rinse cycle going on the diapers.
10:46- Now Paul needs a waffle. See? I told you I'd regret the stupid cereal idea.
10:47- help Lizzy with her math. Give Cecilia spoonful of crunchy peanut butter to eat at her seat. Turn the burner on under the pot of chicken stock.
10:52- Mary complains for real this time from her bed. Run to the potty real quick. Retreive baby.
10:58- Use packing tape to repair Katy's history text book
11:09- start vinegar cleaning cycle in coffee pot.
11:12- start bread machine
11:20- actually send invoice I imagined sending 16 minutes ago
11:21- realize I'm starving. Inhale Kashi trail mix bar
11:26- add eggs (stupid not laying chickens not laying this winter. What the heck?) and King Arthur whole wheat flour to shopping list
11:31- put the rest of the laundry in with the pre-rinsed diapers and start today's load
11:36- chop sweet potato for mashing into baby-food
11:43- change Mary's diaper
11:50- find band-aid wrapper on bathroom counter. interrogate children. insist that guilty child PUT HIS OWN DANG TRASH INTO THE TRASH CAN BECAUSE DO I LOOK LIKE A MAID DON'T ANSWER THAT
11:52- notice horrible layer of dust on furniture in living room. Ignore.
11:54- listen to poetry memorization recitation while tidying up the kitchen
11:57- take out recycling
12:00- So. What should we have for lunch? (no, I still have never made a meal plan in my life. What is wrong with me?)
12:02- start making easy cheesy burritos.
12:13- add cheese, tortillas, refried beans to shopping list
12:20- set up burrito buffet station
12:25- nurse baby while bigger kids eat lunch.
check email while baby is eating.
think about bags under my eyes.
Curse Downton Abbey
Will you ever forgive me for torturing you with all of this? Ever ever ever?