This is not my favorite kind of post to write. The only reason I MUST is because it's one of those things....well, it's what my life has suddenly become about, so if I don't tell you, I have nothing at all to tell you. Does that make sense?
Burdening people, sharing sorrow- it's doesn't come naturally to me. I just like to make people's lives better, you know? But here goes.
Today, I am thankful to still be pregnant. If I am still pregnant tomorrow, I will be even more thankful still.
Yesterday afternoon we had to race to yet another unexpected squeeze-us-in appointment at the ob's office because all of a sudden there was fluid. A lot of fluid. Not blood (praise God!) but just....water. And even though I've had my share of babies in the past, it didn't occur to me at first what it might be because my water has never, ever broken before I am actually pushing baby out. Membranes of steel! But then it hit me what it must be and oh, it was a sad, horrible moment.
Today I am 15 weeks pregnant. At the appointment we saw a big healthy placenta, a big healthy baby, a big healthy heartbeat. What we did not see is any fluid around the baby. What little there had been was gone, caused by an unanticipated tear or a hole in the amniotic sac, also attributed to the evil subchorionic hematomas. Ugh! My poor, tiny, helpless baby!
That's all I can think about. There he or she is, so peaceful, unaware of any imminent danger. Here I am, unable to do anything to fix it, to keep him or her safe. I'm powerless. The baby is helpless. And so we wait. We wait and we pray.
The best case scenario is that the tear heals itself quickly, the fluid replenishes itself quickly, and baby's lungs get big and healthy quickly. And now that I know my membranes are extremely weak this time around, I've suddenly been on a mission to eat and supplement as much as I can to strengthen them. Honestly, I don't know if any of it works. But I know it's not going to make things worse, so I'm willing to try it. Extra vitamin C, extra protein, bone broth, things with gelatin. Plus lots of fluids to replenish the fluids. Because if it tore once (when baby is not even big enough to really strike against it), it can tear again. And I just can't....I don't want to think about it. We can only take it day by day.
Today I am thankful that baby is still with us. In six days we'll have another ultrasound to check on the fluid. Between now and then I will think about little else. Pray with me, please.