Sunday, June 02, 2013

That foolish worry I used to worry

In the past, I've wondered whether sharing easy, happy news might make those in not easy, not happy circumstances feel bad.  If I praise my kind, selfless husband who happens to also cook the most delicious food you've ever sunk your lucky teeth into, will it make those who are struggling in their marriages wistful and disheartened?  If I thank God that breastfeeding went so smoothly with this baby, that she was a natural, that we have no issues, that my chunky monkey still loves her milkies with her first birthday just around the corner, will the mamas who had to fight for any successful nursing sessions at all feel like failures?

But now...oh, I feel silly.  And foolish.  And so very small minded for worrying about those things.

As I sit here, fairly sure that everything is still okay for the moment, but wondering how long this baby will be with us in this world, reading stories and statistics that are not always encouraging, there is nothing that makes me happier, gives me more peace, than knowing that there are women enjoying trouble-free pregnancies.  How wonderful!  How hopeful!  What a relief it is to know that not everyone is suffering this same kind of suffering.  I'm just so grateful on their behalf that they are not asked to bear this particular cross.  Healthy pregnancies are out there!  Full term babies are out there!  Membranes of steel are out there!

Please don't ever be afraid to share joy in the face of contrasting sorrow.  There is not a finite amount of grace or happiness or peace or regularness in this world.  If your situation is filled with grace or happiness or peace or blessed regularness, I know you haven't snatched my share from me.  Oh my goodness, I feel so silly in retrospect that I worried so much.  I really do.

Tell me your happy stories.  Revel in your blessings.  I love to hear about a lack of struggle, a lack of suffering.  It makes me rejoice.

And thank you all for your many prayers and beautiful comments this weekend.  It has been an incredibly moving and uplifting experience to feel the arms of the Church squeeze us tight in our time of uncertainty and need.  Bless you!



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42 comments :

  1. Oh Dwija, this is just how I feel right now. I'm eating up every new baby picture, announcement, etc. in light of our recent bad news. It makes me happy to see life carrying on in the face of sorrow.

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  2. Dwija, thank you for this. How lovely. How often we all hide our joys when they might be comforting, and joy should spread. I learned of your difficulties only Friday afternoon, and this morning prayed for you and your wee one at Mass.

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  3. Thought of you today when the bishop was giving personal blessings to mothers to be. Said an extra prayer for peace for you.

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  4. You are truly a beautiful soul and I feel blessed every time I read your blog. Thank you for sharing yourself. You and your precious baby are in my prayers! <3

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  5. I hear you!

    try not to be too mad at your body...I know I got really mad when we lost a baby at 20 weeks because of un-diagnosed lupus, etc...the placenta just quit living :( but then I told the docs what to do (heparin, progesterone) and we have baby #3 and #4...

    I am praying for a happy ending for you this time! It is hard being a woman, isn't it?

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  6. We are with you in this, Dwija!

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  7. First, my apologies for not keeping-up with all things bloggy of late; I've just finished reading several of your posts at long last.

    Second, all I will offer are prayers, prayers and even more prayers. This seems so inadequate but it's all I can do for you, the baby and your wonderful family.

    Blessings and love to you all!

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  8. My Clare bear was an sch pregnancy and she is two now! Hang in there and we will keep on praying!!

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  9. Dwija, I'm about to tell you that you're right, but not the way you think—though of course you are right in that way, too. So hang on. This is not a critical comment.

    My life is not all smooth sailing. I really envy those who share news of wonderful stuff that I don't have and may never have. But something that happened to me a few years ago has really made me thank God for my problems. It's pretty woo-woo Catholic stuff, and I kind of hate to share it with teh intarwebz, so I've dropped you a line via FB to see if you'd like to hear about it privately. This is just to let you know that that's why I'm pestering you. :-)

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  10. Praying you and that sweet baby right through, Dwija. You got this. No, actually- HE'S got this. Hugs.

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  11. Dwija - even in this difficult time you're kickin' butt in the blog-o-world. "If your situation is filled with grace or happiness or peace or blessed regularness, I know you haven't snatched my share from me." I REALLY needed to hear this.
    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
    You and your sweet baby have been in my prayers like crazy.
    - Theresa

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  12. Prayed for you and your precious baby tonight at Mass. Keep the faith! And this post is awesome!

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  13. Thank you for this! It's such a beautiful reflection.

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  14. this last baby, #5, my baby Felicity, was the worst pregnancy I've had. From being "old", to gestational diabetes, to lady parts in places they shouldn't be. I went in to our Labour and delivery thinking my water broke. There was bleeding and scary stuff, and I was 22 weeks along. Now I have healthy, chunky 18 lb 3 month old who was born full term. But the scary stuff is just that,scary, and it makes trusting God difficult! finding hope and joy in the good news of others is so wonderful!

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  15. You and your baby are in my thoughts and my prayers. Thank you so much for this post. It is a reminder to me to be joyful and happy for other people´s success, and to be grateful for my own blessings.

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  16. Well said. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage, and on the night it was happening to me, at least 5 friends announced their pregnancies on Facebook. I somehow happy for all of them, even through my suffering. But I've been on the other side of it, too, scared to share my own joy. I hope that others' joyfulness continues to lift you up.

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  17. I'm five months along in my sixth pregnancy, and boy! It is harder on the body than babies one and two were, when I was in my 20s. I have been thinking about 'offering it up' since Carrie Donaldsons awesome post. So, when I wake up most nights with rending ligament pain, I have been trying to offer that suffering, such as it is, to The Lord, for whatever it's worth to Him. Since I have heard of your challenges with your pregnancy, I am offering up my pain for your precious baby. I have hope that you are just at the beginning of a wonderful story of Gods faithfulness. Love, Claire

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    1. I didn't learn about "offering it up" until I was in my 40s. The notion, the belief in redemptive suffering is one of the Church's greatest gifts. We can offer our suffering to ease the suffering of others because we all are part of the mystical body of Christ.

      Know your baby is in God's hands and that you have a big team of prayer warriors at your side Dwija!

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  18. What a great post! Knee deep second time around infertility, I've had the opportunity (and jOy!) to help other mom welcome their latest blessing by bringing a meal or holding a baby or cleaning out a fridge. These moments are sources of joy and a reminder that the gift of self required of all of us comes in many forms! I don't have blessed "regular ness" to share, but I promise to keep u in my prayers! Great thoughts!

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  19. :) You have been given a special grace in that your heart is joyful and full of peace at others' joy!! A saintly woman you are :)

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  20. Dwija, I have those same worries, and it doesn't help when I get comments reinforcing them! But I love that you are looking at life from this perspective and finding joy all around you. I am constantly thinking of you and praying for you and the baby (seriously, how many Hail Mary's can one person say?) and wish I could give you a hug and bring you a homecooked meal (but it wouldn't be as good as your hubby's, I'm sure!)

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  21. What a beautiful post! You are still in my prayers!

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  22. Continuing to pray for you and your sweet baby.

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  23. Isn't that the truth? We just suffered a very, very early term miscarriage and I thought I would hate to see little just born babies or pregnant women but it actually makes me so, so much happier. Love in all forms is a beautiful thing.

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  24. Continuing to pray Dweej!

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  25. I agree with all of this. I have learned not to worry about sharing joy as well. As for having been on the other end of the spectrum, yes, knowing that others do NOT have to suffer the cross we have carried is very uplifting.

    Hang in there and I say continued prayers for you and your family.

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  26. Thank you, Dwija, for this post. There are so many times when I write - delete-write-delete...on and on trying to be sensitive to others, trying not to sound like a big pity party myself. As Steve and I long for another baby, and our time of waiting is difficult, hearing of others' expectancies fills me with JOY!! Babies bring beauty, life and God's love into the world. We will continue to pray for you!

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  27. Thank you for sharing that, I've always wondered.

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  28. You are such a beautiful person and so right about celebrating other people's happiness. The old saying, misery loves company, is so untrue. We never want another person to endure the difficulties we face ourselves. Praying many blessings for you and your sweet baby!

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  29. Dwija, thank you for this post. Since I've recently joined the blogging world, I often struggle with what too post. Is this too happy? Is this too much information? You have really given me a boost of confidence to share what is on my heart to share - whether it be joyful, sad, or scary. Please know that I continue to pray for you and your little one. Thank you for your beautiful witness and blog.

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  30. We have a new nephew, and my 11- and 8-year-old sons spent Saturday evening arguing over who got to hold him next..."quit hogging him! It's my turn!"

    :)

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  31. Thank you so much for your wonderful blog. You and your family are in our prayers!

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  32. I love your perspective -- I think it's a sign of growing Christ-likeness when your first thoughts are to celebrate someone else's good fortune. I've experienced the same thing in adoption . . . the "why not us" when others' adoptions seemed to happen easily, and now during another adoption, seeing anyone's progress as an amazing, lovely thing. So grateful for God's patience while I grew and matured -- and grateful for this post, which encourages us all to love first and celebrate others' happiness.
    Nancy

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  33. Dwija, still praying for you. And thank you so much for this post. What an awesome perspective! I had a tubal ligation at age 29 and no, it wasn't a medical necessity. I was a lapsed Catholic and have always regretted having the procedure. Now that my only child has 3 little ones of her own and wants more I am ecstatic over many little grandchildren!! They are the reason I love reading blogs like yours because it fills my heart with joy that there are families out there that are happy with many children. Children are blessings from God!!

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  34. We love you. Thank you. We're still here... praying.

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  35. I'm still praying for you, sister. Many xo's!

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  36. Thank you for this post. Aside from my miscarriages, I have never suffered a great tragedy so I've always felt a little weird about sharing good news with someone who I know is suffering -- especially when I was expecting #5 and a dear friend had just learned that she would probably never have any children. I try to weigh my words carefully and not give offense -- but your post gives me much food for thought. I will think about it the next time I hesitate to share good news with someone.
    On that note, here's good news which makes me do a happy dance: my husband is almost finished painting our house -- soon we can put it on the market and then move into a bigger house! Yay! (sorry, that's all I got.) :)

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  37. Oh, I have totally wondered the same things - If I share my happiness, will it be like rubbing salt in the wounds of others that are not so happy.

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  38. Thank you so much for sharing this! It's such an important message to be heard. In fact, you inspired me to write my own reflection on this topic (and I link to you in the post!). You can check it out here if you're interested: http://himwhommysoulloves.blogspot.com/2013/06/let-your-light-shine.html

    God bless!

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  39. A friend recently introduced me to Donkey Guy...and thus, your blog ;) Just wanted to chime in for a moment since I'm actually on a computer and can write a comment! I appreciate what you're trying to say here. We can't always be expected to just share news of our pain but also to be there to rejoice with each other when something goes miraculously right! I do believe the bigger issue that you're hinting at though here, if I can read into your first paragraph, is HOW to share this news with others who are struggling. Sharing happy, easy news with others is much different than thanking your husband directly, or being grateful for your baby breastfeeding, just as bragging about your husband to your single friends and bragging about your amazing milk ducts is different, do you get what I'm saying? Anyway, this really struck personally since I have dealt with sub-fertility and know firsthand the breath-sucking experience of hearing of yet another pregnancy announcement and then NOW being on the "otherside" and now achieving motherhood where I know on the wrong day my mere presence is sure to upset someone still wanting a child. This is actually a pretty heavy burden to carry, especially as I have many dear friends still waiting for children and the idea of contributing to their pain is horrible... and I do have somewhat of "survivor's guilt", so I do appreciate your honesty and clarity in this post. The conclusion that I've ultimately had to come to is that people's anger and depression (because that's really more what it is) ultimately doesn't have anything to do with me PERSONALLY, if indeed sometimes it is directly pointed in my direction and is in fact extremely personal...and I cannot do much to alleviate their pain other than pray and let them know that I am thinking about them. I can give being compassionate and listening ear to those that are in different situations, as well as following normal social cues and to not gush about my child continuously, etc. I really treat the specific issue of infertility like I would a loss of sorts, like any normal person would treat talking to someone who's recently loss their mother-in-law, you wouldn't bash your own MIL in front of. So anyway, I totally took this off topic and into culpability and what we SHOULD do, if we don't feel guilty for sharing happy news, but this is just such an interesting topic!

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  40. Oh no! I am praying for you. Just got caught up on your precious little one. Prayers!

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