Okay, we're back from our ultrasound appointment and I know so many have been praying tirelessly for us that I need to give you an update right away.
So, basically there has been no change. The amniotic sac has not healed, so I continue to leak whatever new fluid is created. But the baby- the baby has a strong heartbeat and a perfect placenta and has grown properly since last week, which was, to be totally honest, a surprise to the doctor. Normally with a rupture this early, a miscarriage follows shortly thereafter. But it hasn't. So that's good.
What's not good is that baby needs amniotic fluid for proper development. The fluid gives baby the ability to move and stretch, helping to develop his or her joints properly. In addition, even though the baby doesn't breathe yet per se, he or she is supposed to be aspirating the amniotic fluid, which is essential for proper lung development. So the importance of the fluid is twofold and it just isn't there. My body creates it and then approximately once a day it leaks back out.
Do I sound calm? When you're reading this, how do you picture me? Do you picture me sobbing with tears running down both cheeks, barely able to see the words on the screen through the mess I'm making all over my face? If so, then good. Because I am not calm. I am a wreck. It is a horrible, horrible, awful, terrible moment for an ob to offer you the option to terminate your pregnancy. HORRIBLE. There's a perfectly healthy baby there with a heartbeat and a brain and everything. "Would you like to just put this whole business behind you? Because you can." No. No I would not like to.
You know what else is horrible? Being told that the statistics are so against us. This doctor has never seen ruptured membranes at 15 weeks result in a born-alive baby when the amniotic sac didn't heal again. The closest happy-ending story features a 19 week rupture with baby born at 28 weeks.
So we're being referred to a perinatologist so we can hear more about the struggles ahead and the impossibility of our situation and I'm sure it's going to be swell.
You guys, so often when I pray, I pray for the peace and strength to accept God's will. He knows what I wish would happen, so often prayer is as much, or more, for me than it is for Him anyway. But not this time. No. This time I just want my baby to live. I don't want to say goodbye so soon. I don't want to have to tell my older kids, who are already so in love with their new sibling, that he or she has already gone home to Jesus. I don't want it. I can't want it. I can't bring myself to pray for the peace and strength to endure that.
I just want my baby to live