I think Mary has finally fallen asleep. Things have been, you know, not normal. Poor little thing.
I'm not sure where to go from here. What to say. So much has happened since I last talked here on Wednesday that it seems impossible to even begin to share it all. So I guess I'll just write a little something for the next seven days and maybe at the end you'll know something about the miracle of the Church in our lives, of friendship and family and love and grace.
Nicholas' funeral Mass was on Friday morning. It was quiet and beautiful and lovely and terrible. But so Good. We needed the peace and closure so badly. There was no way, I don't think, I could have survived the weekend without laying him to rest. I didn't have to do anything. I didn't make or take a single phone call. My husband, our pastor, our parish, our friends- they did it all. A beautiful Trappist casket arrived in less than 24 hours...somehow. Everything about the last seven days is a somehow. Somehow life goes on. Somehow the miracle of love can carry us through storms we didn't even know could be so painful.
My mom flew in on Saturday. She is here with us for the week and thank God for that. If I had to be alone, I would survive. Probably. But I'm glad I don't have to find out.
If you've sent me an email or a message or a tweet, know that I have read every. single. one. And as the fog lifts a little, I will try and respond. You've touched my heart and our lives in ways you could never imagine.
Nicholas had such sweet, tiny feet. I loved Bronson Methodist Hospital. They took such good care of us.
Alright, I think that's about all I can manage. They started demolition on the laundry room today. I am thankful for the blessing of a distraction. My kids here on Earth, my mom, drywall dust, they keep me present. Maybe I can talk more about that tomorrow.
Monday, July 22, 2013
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Beautiful, beautiful little feet. Many prayers for you and your family!!!
ReplyDeleteIt is such a beautiful thing that you were able to give him a proper burial. What a gift to your little boy. And it's so good to hear that you were treated well at the hospital. Love you!
ReplyDeleteWhat a treasured momento! Thank you for sharing this photo with us. And for sharing your heart these last few days and weeks. You're in my continued prayers.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you always. xx
ReplyDeleteOh Dwija, my heart aches for you. I am glad you were able to have some closure but please know I am praying for your family.
ReplyDeleteYou and your family have been in my prayers. I'm so greateful for love, grace and the blessings that are keeping you going. Much love!
ReplyDeleteYou are really and truly in my prayers, Dweej. Blessings!
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine the depth of your pain and sorrow, but I rejoice that Christ, through His Church, has flooded you with so much love and grace to help you through your grieving.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for sharing with us in blog-land. Praying for you all.
Precious feet. We love you and we're praying, praying, praying.
ReplyDeleteI have submitted Nicholas to the The Church of the Holy Innocents "Shrine of the Holy Innocents" in NY. There will be a candle lit in his honor/memory and people pray for all those children who passed unborn or at birth. You should receive a certificate of life in honor of Nicholas to your e-mail address soon. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful memento of your little Saint Nicholas. God bless you and give you peace.
ReplyDeleteMay Our Lady comfort you in your great sorrow. Nicholas' foot prints are precious. I am so sorry for your loss of your precious little one.
ReplyDeleteMy heart breaks with you. Please know that one more person is praying for your family. All of it. On earth and secure in Heaven.
ReplyDeleteSweet and tiny footprints that tip-toed through your lives and will remain in your hearts forever.
ReplyDeleteLove and Prayers!
Hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteSo sad, so mysteriously joyful. Those feet...
ReplyDeleteAll is grace...
Lots of love and consolations to you all.
Such beautiful, perfect, tiny little feet.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers to you and your family always!
The village, Dwija - it is never more humbling than during our darkest days. May the bright light of love carry you through your darkest moments. Praying for you...
ReplyDeletetears and prayers for you all.
ReplyDeleteContinued prayers for you, Dwija, now and always. I love those feet.
ReplyDeletePraying for you. The photo is precious, even if painful, too.
ReplyDeleteYou've been on my mind every day since the 15th. I'm so so sorry that you couldn't raise Nicholas, and live with him on this side of the veil. We lost our firstborn Philip in 2007, so I have a sense of what you are going through. Grace and peace to you as you journey this difficult road.
ReplyDeleteIsaih 52:7 Douay-Rheims Bible
ReplyDelete"How beautiful upon the mountains are the feet of him that bringeth good tidings, and that preacheth peace: of him that sheweth forth good, that preacheth salvation, that saith to Sion: Thy God shall reign! "
Oh. What sweet footprints your little one left behind. Praying for you and your family at this terribly sad time. God bless you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad your mama's with you. Only mamas can know what their little ones need when they're hurting, no matter their age. Love those sweet baby feet.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing, especially during such a difficult time. Keeping you all in my prayers and sending hugs and love (though I hope in a non-creepy way since we've never met). So glad you have been enfolded in love by so many. God bless you all!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your Mom is there. I am praying for healing and peace for you, Tommy and the kids. Demolition of a room is quite a distraction! I can't wait to see the reveal. Love to you, Dwija!
ReplyDeleteContinued prayers for peace.
ReplyDeleteSo glad you felt and continue to feel cared for, one day at a time.
Couldn't not cry when I saw those beautiful feet. Sweet baby boy. What a blessed child to have been carried by such a loving, strong mama. You and your family remain in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteI pray the Lord sends you many more blessings, expected and unexpected. You have remained in my thoughts and prayers and will continue to do so. I pray you are able to find peace.
ReplyDeleteWow that is absolutely beautiful to have those feet imprints for ever. I am still praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteSweet girl, you have so many people praying for you. Lots of love. I am glad you're under the care of such a wonderful family.
ReplyDeleteI started reading your blog when I was pregnant and on bedrest. Sadly I also lost our little boy Frances in my second trimester. As I am starting to come out of the fog (its been 5 months since I lost him) I see how good God still is. My son was due on July 15th (your sweet Nicholas's birthday). We named him Frances Gabriel after St Frances Cabrini. We went to the St Frances Cabrini shrine and our intention for a third child, that we had waited 2 years for, was answered that next week.St Frances Cabrini's birthday is also July 15th plus it was our wedding anniversary. What a beautiful way for the Lord to show us that even though he died Frances's life was perfectly planned by Him. Our son's first, middle, and last names all have 7 letters, which as I am sure you know, is perfect in the Bible. We didn't know that until we had prayed about what our son's name was to be. I have written all of these consolations in a journal so that I can remember, because even though I thought I would never forget certain details, the sharpness of my memory is already starting to fade. I am glad I wrote because I always want to remember how God's grace carried me through the darkest time of my life. Even when I didn't feel Him and was so angry that He allowed it all to happen, I wrote it all down. Now with a clearer perspective I see His care for me through it all.
ReplyDeleteI pray that you feel peace, but also take time to grieve and ask the tough questions. My faith has grown so much since I started asking "why". God has really shown me that even though death is never good in itself, He promises everything will work for our good. I haven't seen the good completely as I still desperately miss my son, but I intend on holding God to that promise. I also thought my heart would never heal and even though I will always carry some sadness, my heart has been healed in ways that I never thought possible. With God's grace you are much stronger than you ever thought possible and even though loosing a child is one of the hardest things in life, you will be carried through it.
A quote that really helped me was by CS Lewis in his book A Grief Observed. “If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing, that she may still hope to "glorify God and enjoy Him forever." A comfort to the God-aimed, eternal spirit within her. But not to her motherhood. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild.” This book helped me see that while I definitely was consoled with the fact that my son is forever in heaven, I still miss him. Even though we as Christians can grieve with hope we still grieve. Grieve in anyway that feels comfortable to you and know that God does comfort those who mourn. Please be assured of my daily prayers.
Thank you for sharing that beautiful quote. Lewis described it perfectly.
DeletePrayers for the newly departed are such a comfort to us. Prayers continued here.
ReplyDeleteHang on in there, you hero. I'm glad you got to meet him, got a beautiful certificate to remember him by. Got your Mom. Got your family round you.
ReplyDeleteYou owe us nothing, but thanks for sharing this anyway.
God bless you x
What a wonderful husband and family you have to make sure some things have been attended to. Everything I want to convey seems so cheapened by words. Just know we all are praying for your heart and some healing.
ReplyDeleteOh Dwija{{{}}} and praying constantly for you. and Sarah G, adding you to my prayers too.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you, your husband, Baby Nicholas, your family and friends and especially your children on earth. May you all find comfort and peace in the days to come.
ReplyDeleteI have no words but I am praying for you.
ReplyDeletestill praying. Rest in peace little Nicholas.
ReplyDeleteYes, that's how it is. Loss is so....unbearable sometimes. The fog will come and go. Distraction is good, but the nights, alone times can be hard. It's ok to cry, to just sob if you have to. You'll have to live through it. You all will. Try to see how your children grieve the loss of their little brother, and your husband, the loss of his son, and your mother, the loss of a grandchild. I think that really helped me....once I started to lift my head to see that those around me were grieving, too, in very unique ways. God bless you all.
ReplyDeleteMy heart is hurting so much for you especially as I see those tiny, beautiful footprints. Know that you are in our prayers.
ReplyDeleteMany tears and prayers for you, Dwija. Know that my heart is with yours right now.
ReplyDeleteYou were a powerful witness for life to all the health care workers you encountered from the time you learned of the danger Nicholas faced until you laid him peacefully to rest. Many people will remember him.
ReplyDeleteLove and prayers continued to you and your family!
ReplyDeleteI continue to pray for you all. Peace be with you and your family.
ReplyDelete{{{HUGS}}} I agree with 'bearing' above...a very powerful witness to life. Your precious son--through his mama--has touched so many lives. Continued prayers for comfort and healing.
ReplyDelete(((((Dwija)))))
ReplyDeletePraying and crying with you. Thanks for sharing his sweet feet with us.
ReplyDeleteThose are lovely feet.
ReplyDeleteMy husband refers to our four living children as our "boots on the ground." As in, when someone asks him how many kids we have, he says we have four sets of boots on the ground. He says that because it's his way of remembering the two sets of feet that never touched the ground, without the awkward, "well...we have four LIVING children" moment.
love this! thanks!
DeleteI'm so glad that you've had a strong support system. Thank you for having the courage to share all this; I second bearing's comment, you've been a wonderful, powerful witness to life through everything. I'm praying so hard for you and your whole family.
ReplyDeleteSo happy your Mom is with you and your have some distractions in your day. Oh my sweet friend, my heart breaks, but I know that God is with you. He is there holding you up. Our Lady has wrapped her mantle around you and is weeping with you. I will continue to pray my friend. Rest when you can, cry when you need to. Hugs from VA!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad that the Body of Christ on earth is taking care of you. Still thinking of you and praying for you.
ReplyDeleteSending you a prayer to lift you up today. I have been reading your blog for about a year now - and have no idea how I found it - but anyway...I have been praying for you this whole pregnancy, and hoped that things would work out differently for you. My identical twin daughters both were stillborn - five years ago this month. It has been a long, hard road of grief - and I still have my bad days, but mostly I am grateful for the gifts my daughters gave to me through their short lives in utero and through their passing. I NEVER thought I would say that - but here I am. Life will never be the same - but you will find that the good times will return (even if you don't think you want them to!) Here is a post I wrote on July 12th - the 5 year anniversary of my girls' births. I am so sorry for the death of your sweet son. Many many many hugs to you. ((((hugs)))) http://urthmama.blogspot.com/2013/07/the-gift-five-years.html
ReplyDeletePrecious Baby Nicholas, and those wee little feet. Still praying for you and your entire family.
ReplyDeleteSweet tiny little feet... I know it will be such a comfort to see those prints and have that tangible remembrance of his short, precious life here on earth. I, too, am a mama to babies in heaven and I wishwish I had something tangible to remember them by... I know many are telling you, and I'll join the chorus, it will get easier. You'll nevernever forget him, but it will slowly get easier to remember.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing Nicholas' sweet baby footprints; I'm so glad the hospital did that for you. Praying for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteI love those little feet. St. Nicholas, pray for us!
ReplyDeleteWith the biggest hug I can send you I also tell you somehow someway you will get through this. When my son Nicholas died at age 8 months from SIDs I walked around in some soft fog from God that just let's go from day to day for a while. My greatest blessing besides my church and family was my oldest son who was 2. I tried so hard to make life normal for him because he was so sad also. Now 32 years later it still hurts, but we have always talked about Nicholas so much so that my daughter born after him "remembers" him also.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you have those precious little footprints! How tiny and cute!! Enjoy having your mom there, moms really are the best!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing.....we're praying.
ReplyDeleteBeen trying to leave comments unsuccessfully. You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteI'm praying for you, Dear Dwija. My older sister died of SIDS, and I was born as a result of that--my mom would have been nursing a four-month-old when I was conceived. When I was 13, my mom lost another baby at 21 weeks gestation; I still have her footprints in my journal.
ReplyDeleteWhen my dad passed in February, he was so looking forward to meeting his girls, even though he was leaving us here. Since he's been gone, I've found tremendous comfort in remembering that he is a member of the communion of saints, alongside my sisters. When I want to talk to him, I can pray. There are times when I can palpably feel the love of heaven, because it's so personal now. You now have a saint loving you perfectly from heaven, interceding for your family, waiting to greet you when you pass from this life into your eternal reward. It's hard to feel so sad (honestly, most days I could still just die), but there is tremendous comfort when I ask for help. I hope you can feel your little saint's loving intercession. Thanks for letting us grieve with you. It's powerful to watch a family love its little baby like this.
Also, thank you for what you said a while ago, about how you *wanted* to hear good news when you were suffering. It has really helped me be more comfortable around friends who are suffering through infertility and more appreciative of the unexpected blessings in our family. Love, prayer, peace and comfort to you.
I am saying this prayer in remembrance of Nicholas.
ReplyDeleteMay the road rise up to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face;
the rains fall soft upon your fields and until we meet again,
may God hold you in the palm of His hand.
It's good to hear from you, Dwija. I've been thinking of you and Nicholas all the time. Many more prayers coming your way.
ReplyDeleteI heartbreaking and beautiful all at the same time. More prayers and love.
ReplyDeleteThat first blog post, the first time you do all of those things 'without' a little person, they are so, so hard. I'm sorry for your loss, Dwija.
ReplyDeleteI have been fearful of checking in because we have been praying and cheering you on. I am so sorry for this heart break!!! It is coming on the one year anniversary that we lost our Steven Thomas who died at 20weeks gestation, my water broke at 18 weeks. I hate to say it but I am still a mess. This has been a really tough year. Our Lady and I have grown closer and I hope that I can help others with their grief. I have been pro life all my life, but holding Steven and seeing his tiny ears and nostrils were so amazing! Still praying for you all!
ReplyDeletehttp://babystepsjmj.blogspot.com/2012/08/labor-and-delivery.html
Tears and many prayers over this. Pray for us, Nicholas.
ReplyDeletePraying and big hugs to you.
ReplyDeleteMy family is praying for yours. And our parish is praying for the repose of dear little Nicholas's soul.
ReplyDeletePrayers for you, Dweej. I've not had to experience you kind of loss, but I have friends who have. If you're not ready to read this, you can save it for later: http://www.mamamia.com.au/parenting/ten-points-i-wish-every-person-knew-about-the-death-of-a-child/
ReplyDeletePraying, praying, praying. Thank you for sharing this part of your life. It binds the Church in its people closer together in our shared prayer and gives a voice to so many of us who have lost a child along the way. May you feel the grace of God these coming weeks and months.
ReplyDeleteSuch precious little feet and what a beautiful memento. Many hugs and prayers.
ReplyDeletePraying for you, that you will feel wrapped in the arms of Christ . . . just as Nicholas is right at this moment. So grateful you've also had the arms of your family, your mom, and your church community.
ReplyDeleteNancy
I read every single one of your posts. Sometimes I comment, other times not. When I read about your precious Nicholas' passing, I could not comment, but today just want to say that we will continue to pray for you and for your family - for strength, for comfort, for peace. It cannot be easy to share with everyone such a difficult, life-changing place in your life's journey, but you do it with so much love and humility. You can only imagine how much your readers love and appreciate you.
ReplyDeleteso many prayers being to you and your family during this time and the future. You are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteDwija, what beautiful, tiny feet! Knowing that God is taking care of your sweet child increases my faith and I hope comforts you in a small way. Praying for you and your sweet family! Lots of Love!
ReplyDeleteDear Dwija,
ReplyDeleteYou and your family are in my prayers. Thank you for finding a reason to give thanks in the midst of your sorrow. I remember that you once wrote about how important it is to give thanks, to talk about the good things, and not to over-think what others might be going through, and your faithfulness to the hope we have in Christ, even through the Cross, is such a witness. Thank you from Australia.
God bless and a really big hug,
Jess
Still praying for you, dear. Sending so much love.
ReplyDeleteThose tiny little feet are at Jesus' feet. God bless you guys!
ReplyDelete