How are you?
Things have been a little quiet...
Are you okay?
After a few of these kinds of sweet, concerned emails, I'm starting to realize that maybe I've unwittingly gone into hermit mode. I do this. Maybe some of you do this too. It's the mark of the secret introvert I think. The barely extrovert. Where we are go out there and talk to all the people and say and do all the things and stay up late and have the fun and go and go and go until we are tired and done and can't manage even a single sentence. And we turn off our computers and we stare at chickens out the window and wonder if it would be as wonderful as we imagine it would be to quit the internet forever.
After we lost Nicholas, I had this realization that I've shared with a few friends in person. It goes like this. See, when I was still pregnant, I told myself that I was ready to accept whatever God had in store for me and that even though it could be terrible, I believe that He can make something beautiful out of terrible terrible things, so I was ready to be His pawn in whatever beautiful thing He had in mind. But really, in the back of my head, I knew it would turn out okay, that my story would have a happy ending....because of course all of my stories have happy endings.
I have done and lived and risked and fallen and the end of every story has always been wonderful. Or at least not awful. So of course this time would be the same. I'm the girl that endures the difficult journeys only to have things work out so I can say "Look! God is so faithful!" Yes, that's my role in the world.
Then Nicholas died. And my story didn't have a happy ending. And that's when I knew that I hadn't really given up my life to God. I was still writing my own inevitable happy ending in my head. And then, back then so long and not so long ago at all, I decided that all my stories don't have happy endings after all.
That used to be the end of my reflection. Some of my stories have crappy endings.
But what was I thinking? Somehow I had managed to put Nicholas' short life here on Earth in some kind of box with the end of that journey being the End of my Story. The end of his story. It sure felt like the end of the story. That there was nothing more. But of course there is more. Nicholas' story goes on. He can touch so many more people from heaven than he ever could here on Earth. You want to pray for someone's intercession? I bet he's not too busy yet.
And my story goes on. Many small stories here on Earth which then become one big story in eternity. If that ending is happy, then I guess all my stories will have happy endings after all.
So I am here and I am okay and I am done thinking that my story is over. That I have nothing else real to share with all of you. Because even if that part of the story was pretty crappy, God is absolutely faithful.