Wednesday, December 04, 2013

Pregnancy after Loss- my discernment

As promised last week, I'm going to share with you guys a a little bit about getting to a place of peace and acceptance with this new pregnancy.  Or getting there BEFORE this new pregnancy, which I managed to allow God to help me do.  Because I have received so many wonderful private messages and emails and I realize that so many of you have the same concerns and care for our family in such a deep way (for which I am forever amazed and grateful).

What I'll do, I think, is to copy and paste an actual email response I sent to a friend, at her suggestion.  I'm touched that my words were not only able to help her but that she feels they might help someone else as well.  So keep in mind that the following text is unedited, off the top of my brain, messy, and maybe hard to follow at some places.  But sometimes it's better that way.  Sometimes I just need to let go and let God, know what I'm sayin'?



On deciding it was the right time to accept a pregnancy after loss.  An exact email transcript...
First of all, one of the great blessings of NFP is that I didn't automatically go on the pill (or other abc of your choice) after our loss, which most people would naturally do. I'd just cover up everything in my sadness and move on. But NFP makes me, us, really think about what God's plan is for us. And when I say God's plan, I don't mean that he sets everything up so that certain things HAVE to happen. You know, free will and all. But by God's plan I mean "What God knows would be the very best for us."

But knowing what He thinks would be best is often hard. That's where discernment comes in. And a righteous spouse, too! So the first thing I had to do was decide if I had a really SERIOUS reason to postpone. Would it be risky to me, health wise, to have another baby? High risk OB says no. Would it be risky to future babies for me to get pregnant? High risk OB says no. Was I suffering from true PPD? I was certainly sad, and very much grieving, of course, but there wasn't a dangerous depression situation I was dealing with. Would it be detrimental to my children in some way for me us to have another child? This one was an easy "no" as they were very excited about Nicholas and very sad to say good bye. I knew another baby would bring them nothing but joy.

Okay, so I couldn't really come up with a super serious reason to abstain (my husband and I are very fertile together, so if we want to be sure to avoid conceiving, we have to abstain for minimum 10 days straight per cycle, which is a lot for us. We did manage a 5 year gap between #2 and #3 using NFP in that way, but it was really a hard time in our marriage.), so I moved on to asking God to help me see through the fog of emotions. Help me sort it out. Sometimes you just have to name things and suddenly the answer to your question becomes clear.

So what was the main problem? Fear. And what was I afraid of? Was I afraid to BE pregnant? Afraid of the very fact of being pregnant? No, that wasn't it. Was I afraid to have another baby in my arms? Certainly not! That, I had to admit, was one of my most aching desires, the desire to have my arms full again. So what was it? What I feared was loss. So is there anything I did to cause the loss? No. Was there any advice as to how to prevent this sort of loss in the future? Nope. And THAT was the root of my problem. Control. I had no control of the situation. If I were to conceive again, I'd once again have no control over whether such an unusual thing would happen.

 And that is what I didn't like.

Would waiting make me have control? Would waiting change the fact that we'd lost Nicholas? Would waiting make the fear go away? What would waiting *accomplish*? Sometimes I know waiting DOES accomplish things. That waiting is the thing we're being called to do. But once I looked at our particular situation and my particular emotions, I knew that my desire for control and perfection wasn't going to go anywhere on its own. I had to put my faith in God and His love for me and our family above my certainty that if only I were given 100% control, everything would be easy and wonderful.

And then I prayed....boy, one of the hardest prayers I've ever had to pray. Because I couldn't lie to God about this. I could try, but when a physical act is involved, the ability to bluff kinda goes out the window, you know? So I prayed. I said something like "Lord, someday I would love another baby. My family would love another baby. But I'm afraid of loss. Only you can take away that fear. Only you can give me the grace to push through DESPITE that fear. I am asking you to guide our lives in a direction that will make this suckiness better. If you feel our lives and our hearts are ready, if you have a baby in mind for us right now, then I'm willing. If it's your will, then let it be so. But if it IS your will, I beg you for the peace of mind and heart to be a good mother and good wife, to be joyful and grateful and to be able to SURVIVE if we endure another loss."

When I think about it, loss is always waiting for us on the other side of love anyway. I mean, my born kids could die before I do. My husband could (and likely will!), die before I do. Friends can move. Pets can run away. Loss all over the place. So I guess I need to work on (am working on!) appreciating the fact that the love is worth it despite the loss.

As for my relationship with Nicholas, we miss him as a person. As an individual, you know? Whether we have another baby now or in five years, the level of missing and loving Nicholas won't change. That was another thing I had to define in my mind. I don't miss the idea of a baby, but actually him as an individual. And as a saint in heaven, I'm sure there's nothing he'd love more than to see his family growing. To know that his mother is willing to try, at least a little, to trust in God's plan and wisdom more than her own. He is an inspiration to me in that way as well.

Wow, okay. That is probably the longest email I have ever written!

So sorry to talk your eyes off. I hope this helps a little and know that I am PRAYING FOR YOU.

 Lots of love,

Dwija
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55 comments :

  1. That was one of the most beautiful posts I've ever read. Thank you.

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  2. Wow. Thank you for sharing this. Keeping you and your baby and all your family in my prayers, though I know Nicholas is up there whispering straight in God's ear for you.

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  3. So beautiful. Thank you for sharing.

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  4. Thank you for this. Dh and had a similar heart to heart and your prayer is my prayer. The fear and need to control. We have had four losses. Our last one was conceived last Christmas and named Nicholas. Sigh.

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  5. Thank you for this. Dh and had a similar heart to heart and your prayer is my prayer. The fear and need to control. We have had four losses. Our last one was conceived last Christmas and named Nicholas. Sigh.

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  6. Thank you for this. Dh and had a similar heart to heart and your prayer is my prayer. The fear and need to control. We have had four losses. Our last one was conceived last Christmas and named Nicholas. Sigh.

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  7. Absolutely beautiful. I wish I had had the same grace and courage 21 years ago. There would be many, many more Lenaburg's running around if I did. Thank you for being brave and smart and understanding that truly...God is in control. Thank you for opening your heart and your home to another life. Can't wait to meet the little miracle.

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  8. This was beautiful! Thank you for sharing!

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  9. Thank you for sharing this with us. Food for thought. Bless you.

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  10. I told you other women would appreciate this :) Thanks, Dwija!

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  11. This was a really beautiful reflection, and I thank you for sharing your heart. I only hope were I in the same situation, I could be as open and brave as you are here.

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  12. Oh Dwija. Thank you for sharing this, for showing us. It makes me think of the verse, "Be holy as I am holy." God bless you.

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  13. Oh, boy. You got me again. In a puddle of tears over here. This part especially: "When I think about it, loss is always waiting for us on the other side of love anyway."

    When I lost my babies years back I tried to get pregnant again immediately. One time Good wanted me to wait for Gianna. The other time God gave me Gabriel right away. Both times He was right on. Go figure.

    Rest assured that you're still - and will continue to be - in my prayers. Virtual hugs, cause I know you're a hugger. :)

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  14. Beautifully put. I wish I had been at a better place when we conceived again after the loss of our firstborn, as I was not in a great place during that pregnancy and the immediate postpartum period was super duper hard as it fell within days of the anniversary. You are right, however, that we have no control over the situation, and that is the hardest part, on so many different levels. Thank you for sharing your heart--you and your family are often on my mind.

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  15. What a great post. Our discernment (while it ended with a very different conclusion) after our loss of Gregory was hard hard hard hard hard. and the more I kept hearing the "no" the harder it was because I so very much wanted to hear a "yes". But in the end, I realized my desire to hear a "yes" wasn't necessarily rooted in the healthiest of reasons.

    I like how you lined this out and I'm so happy for you that another little baby is on his/her way to your arms. God bless.

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  16. Thank you for sharing this. And for being a witness to the beauty of NFP.

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  17. This brought tears in my eyes.. I am petrified of loss, we've had three losses in a row. But I am trying to allow myself not to look to hard into the future and just trust God one day at a time. It's so hard to keep trusting over and over and then keep saying "Thy will be done" with every new loss. But I try to offer it up for the couples who have no children and foster gratitude for the gifts I do have. What a great post and witness to hope in beautiful new life!

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  18. I read a quote from C.S. Lewis recently that smacked me so hard (in a good way) that I had to write it everywhere. Seriously, it's on the back of my coupon organizer.
    "To love at all is to be vulnerable. "
    I read that and thought, hmm. So there's no safety anyway. Somehow, that was freeing.

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  19. *sighs between tears*, thank you Dweej for your honesty. I've been so, so very much avoiding this, because I think I've been letting the fear part run me. And- the avoiding pregnancy with nfp, it's been hard on us too, really hard. I love love to control, and I think I just need to take it all to prayer for real so perhaps I can let go and let God. Gracias, sister.

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  20. Dwija, you just did the world a big favor by sharing that. Thank you!

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  21. I love your thought process on this...the way you went through the different reasons to abstain....health, desire for another baby, and prayed your way to your current pregnancy. Beautiful (and very logical and reasonable)..I love it!

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  22. So very beautiful, Dwija. You're so right about NFP making us face things especially when you're one of those couples where your choices are to abstain for crazy long periods of time when trying to avoid. I'm one of those control freaks that has a hard time letting go and letting God do His thing but when I do let go of my control freak tendencies I'm in awe of how much better God's plan for our family is than mine.

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  23. I just love these posts from your heart, and I also love NFP for this very reason!

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  24. So beautiful, a great gift to the world did God make of you.

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  25. "...the love is worth it despite the loss." I love that because it's the only way to live. I mean the love is already here and it's huge, and you're feeling it. Praying that your arms will be full again.

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  26. Thanks so much for saying this!!! I can't even tell you how much it speaks to me. I have not yet (by the grace of God) lost a baby, and yet my desire to have another is tempered by fear. Control. Exactly what you write about. Thanks for sharing. I am praying for wisdom too.
    OH! And, congratulations!!!

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  27. Its so beautiful of you to share this Dwija. You've been so generous to share how God is speaking to you through such hard times. I'm so happy for you and your family, God is good!

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  28. Dweej,
    Thank you for sharing. I'm so so so excited for the wee one on the way. And that Nicholas is assured to be in Heaven - isn't that just a breath of fresh air to KNOW he is there. I love that.

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  29. My dearest Sister-In-Love, my Dwija: I love getting to watch, through your beautiful writing, how God is moving and acting in your soul. I love how you are letting Him speak to others through your experiences. This post is so amazing. You have a gift for presenting your everyday joys and sorrows in such a wonderful way that everyone who reads can immediately say, "Yes! I know what that is like! I know how that feels!" and even, "Wow! I had no idea that was God speaking to me!" I love you, Dwija.

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  30. Just beautiful! You are so amazing - in your faith and honesty and just everything. Love you Dweej!

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  31. Lovely and honest writing. I just had my 7th baby a few months ago (we also lost a little one a few years ago) and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that my anxiety increases with each one. That loss of control becomes more evident with each one and I become very fearful. With my first littles, I was blissfully ignorant. I have been through more and seen much more in the last 16 years. But God uses this. He needs us in this place so that He can take it ALL. He's taking over, girl... you're in the best hands ever. God bless you all.

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  32. Thanks Dwija!! You put into words, what is hard for most of us to express to others after a loss. It's hard to give up control & trust that everything can be Okay, the next time. Many prayers to you and the little one growing!!

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  33. I leave for one week and miss all the announcements! Congratulations to you and your family.
    This post is a beautiful expression of your feelings. You have a talent for putting people's thoughts and intuitions into words that can be read and understood. Thank you for sharing these personal thoughts with us.

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  34. Thank you. This has been my conclusion as well since losing our third.

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  35. Thank you Dwija. I would write more, but I think will cry and get tears all over the keyboard. Thank you.

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  36. I'm so glad to have great women like you to refer to and read the thoughts of this year. This year has transformed my understanding of what it really means to be "open to life".

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  37. Oh my gosh. Thank you for writing this. I am currently 14 weeks pregnant, and I have had so many fears during this pregnancy. Thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts.

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  38. Dwija, this is so beautiful in so many ways. Thank you for sharing so honestly about your experience.

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  39. So wonderful: "So I guess I need to work on (am working on!) appreciating the fact that the love is worth it despite the loss." I think about this a lot and it's something my husband and I talk about a lot, too. Hugs!

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  40. That was seriously beautiful. Thank you so much for sharing. While I haven't lost a little one that does put into perspective the thought process that goes through the thoughts of trying to have another one. I was VERY sick when I was pregnant with my first and we often go back and forth about when would be a good time to try again (my son just turned a year). Fear of not being able to control the situation definitely comes into play.

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  41. Thank you for posting this. We lost Emily early on and I felt just like you said about the fear of loss. What stuck me the most in your email was when you said you missed the person of the child lost I agree completely, I love our latest baby very much and she might not be here if we hadn't lost Emily but that little would be 5 year old girl is truly missing in this world, I guess she's needed in heaven, but I miss her anyways.

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  42. Wow...thank you so much for this. I want to read all the comments as well, but I wanted to write to you after reading this. I just started reading your blog before the passing of your Nicholas. I was rooting for him and was saddened to read the outcome. At the time, I was newly pregnant with baby #5 due in March. Never did I think that I would have to walk the road of losing a child as well....almost 6 weeks ago I gave birth to our sleeping baby boy, Liam Matthew. At our ultrasound at 18 weeks, it was discovered that he was measuring only 15 weeks and had no heartbeat. After a long (4.5 day) hospital stay, I was finally able to birth him like my other 4 children (it was important to me to have him that way). Anyway, I am longing for another baby...not to replace Liam, but, like you, I know it would bring joy to my family. If it's not God's will, then I hope He will take away that desire from me. Like you, I would be excited for another pregnancy, but also scared of loss. This journey has made me realize that I am not in control at all. And, we don't know what went wrong, but everything seemed to be healthy...so, I am wondering why my ob said to what 4-5 months before trying again. Sorry for the long comment. I wanted to comment after your announcement, but didn't get a chance to. I'm extremely happy for you and your family :)

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  43. Wow.. I felt that you were reading my heart at this moment in time. I am still dealing with our latest lost, Juan Digeo , whose due day is Dec. 12 th. I have been praying since the first day of this lost that God will give me another "chance" to speak about having just one more child, that is all that I ask but I should be asking is that God ' s will be done not mine and it might be that we were to have four children with Him and four children with us. But I will still ask that my greatest desire for another child be granted, that God will show His mercy on me and shower us with a child to hold on earth for a long time. His will be done! Please check out my ministry for anyone who has lost a child before birth, where they might find healing. http://magnoliasweethealing.wordpress.com/

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  44. I wanted also to say is Thank you for your post and courage to share with us. May you have a Blessed New Year and Christmas!

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  45. Wow! Such a beautiful post. Timely for me too as I just came back from an appt with my midwife and now know that all that I Carry inside me is a empty sac @ 7 weeks and no baby :( this is my 3rd miscarriage but I have two healthy children so am i hopeful for more. My situation is different from yours for sure, but the path to acceptance and recovery for pregnancy loss can be along the same lines, I think. I thank you for writing these words so that others can find clarity (and hope!) from losses and know the strength can be found inside us all to carry on. I also wanted to thank you for you NFP post, I have gone back and re read that post several times. For my husband and I it was an ah- moment. Which lead us to try for # 3. And we will Definitely keep trying! It's liberating to read those words when it seems the world is so un-accepting to families w/ more than 2 children. So thank u for writing this post & all the others & for just being so awesome!!!!! Lots of love to you.

    Bethany

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  46. Wow! What's with all the spam? Anyway..... what a beautiful testimony Dweeja! You had me in tears, yet again. I'm praying for you and your family.

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  47. What a beautiful post, Dwija. Thank you for sharing your heart.

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  48. The Holy Spirit used you and this blog today to help me reach out to God for the first time in a long time. My fear comes from trying to heal a marriage rocked by infidelity. Thank you for showing me how to pray through the pain & fear. I already feel more peace than I have in almost 2 years. I will pray for you, this brand new baby, your little saint Nicholas, and for you to remain courageously open to life.

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  49. Very beautiful. I’ve never suffered through the loss of a child, so I don’t pretend to know what it is like. But your paragraph about loss being on the other side of love always resinated with me quite a bit. A couple of months ago, we had a bit of a scare with my 4 year old. A sonogram showed “something” in her abdomen they didn’t know what it was. They wanted to schedule her for an MRI and had even mentioned that awful “c” word, cancer. My husband didn’t want to talk about it or want me to talk to anyone about it. Both because we didn’t know anything definite and because, I think, if he didn’t talk about it, then he could pretend it wasn’t happening. So I had three days of solitary hell in fear that my 4 year old could have cancer. Thank God, before she could even get the MRI (for which she was going to need to be sedated), the doctor asked to do a quick sonogram again and discovered what she has is a splenule, or a small extra spleen. He called it an extra insurance policy and we went home very grateful. But that week my emotions rode the spectrum roller coaster and it made me take a hard look at how I view my children. I mean, I know they aren’t God and I don’t worship them, but I spend so much of my life devoted to caring for them that I had forgotten to keep God between them and myself. I had forgotten to keep my perspective on the big picture, that while He had entrusted these children to me, they are, nonetheless, His children. My children are my greatest weakness in that my greatest fears are always pertaining to them. I haven’t yet gotten to the point where I am not afraid for them or for my heart should something happen, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t totally worth it. God bless you and thank you for sharing this beautiful reflection.

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  50. Thank you so much for this post. I lost my first babies, a twin boy and a girl at 20 weeks only three short weeks ago and while my body certainly isn't ready for another pregnancy yet I have been trying to wade through all of the emotions associated with deciding when to try again. You are so right that if fear is the only thing stopping you then God is there to take away that fear. Thanks again, and I plan to reference this often in the coming months if we do decide to get pregnant again to help me remember to choose faith and God instead of fear.

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  51. Beautiful. I want you to know that while we have only ever hung out in person a couple of times, you have left me with permanent and thought-provoking words in my heart xo

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