Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Right now is all there is

I used to say things like "I can't wait to have my baby" and "if I can just make it through this pregnancy...," treating the time that the baby is safely tucked away inside of me as The Waiting Time, and birth as the magical starting line of good things.

This pregnancy has already been so different.  So different in so many ways.  But the biggest difference is that I feel like I already have my baby.  I've acknowledged that I already have my baby.  He or she just happens to be on the inside instead of on the outside.  But the baby is alive and is real and is my baby.  And today, as I feel him kick and roll, I have him.  He is here with me, with us.

Right now is all I've got.  Right now is all we've got with anyone, I guess.  And as much as that idea is thrown around and talked about, it's still a surprise to me how surprising it is to really take it to heart.  So right now, today, I have this baby, and for that I am so grateful.

He or she moves a lot.  Has been moving already for several weeks already, in fact.  And sometimes I stay up late just to keep feeling him move.  I can't see him or hear him, but I can feel him and I don't want to stop feeling him.  It's like the night before your beloved boards a plane for days or weeks away.  You don't want to sleep.  You can't sleep.  You can't bring yourself to waste those last precious hours.

So late at night I lie down.  The baby wakes up.  I smile and set my hand on my belly even though I can't feel anything from the outside yet.  I can't help myself.  I want to be as close as I can in every way.  I read something.  Watch something. Wait.  Know that he is with us still.  Thankful for the growing waistline, the sore feet, the crushed lungs (yes, already).  I stay awake as long as I possibly can, feeling his little body so safe inside mine.  Happy that I've gotten to keep this baby for one more day.

Right now is all I've got.  Right now I love the baby I already have.



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41 comments :

  1. This beautiful, Dwija. Praising God for your right now, real-as-they-come baby. Great perspective <3.

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  2. Dwija, that is so incredibly beautiful. As sick as I get and as hard as it is and as awfully old as I am, I do hope I get to feel this one more time. I'm so, so happy for you and your family!!

    Jill

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  3. This is so beautiful, Mrs. Dweej! God bless you and all yer young'uns. You give me hope for the future of this world - and I mean that.

    ~ Country Girl's Daybook
    recently posted: Please, please, join me in prayer for a miracle. -> http://bit.ly/1dOBHsG

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  4. You know I agree :) You have such a way with words. And a way with love.

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  5. Just beautiful. And a wonderful reminder to us all.

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  6. Thank you for such a great reminder. That's why I still rock my 14 month old to sleep every night, and shrug when she still wants to come into our bed in the middle of the night. Because she's the only baby I have so far, and I want to hold her all I can.

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  7. Beautiful, Dweej. I heard a singer named Eliot Morris this weekend. He sang a song with his chorus:
    Right here, nowhere else.
    Right now, never again.

    Such a good reminder that THIS is the experience we're meant to have,

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    1. Heard Eliot at a Matthew Kelly talk in Nov, that is such a great song and so fitting for this :)

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  8. I loved feeling my babies move inside my womb. Even when little feet pushed my ribs and stomped on my bladder, I still loved that feeling. I am praying for you and your little one.

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  9. Tears of happiness reading this. Thank you!

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  10. beautiful! I'm treasuring my unborn child in a new and different way too after a recent loss. Thanks for the reminder that I do have my baby now...and not to wish time away until a time I won't be afraid...all I truly have is now!

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  11. Yep, I needed to read this one. It's so easy to complain about how miserable I feel or just look forward to what's to come. But nothing is guaranteed except for right now. Thanks, Dweej.

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  12. I feel the EXACT same way, Dweej. You just said it better than I did. Hugs from TX to you!

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  13. I love this. So beautiful.

    Also, oh my poor crushed lungs. I'm definitely looking forward to the day I can breathe fully again.

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  14. This is how I felt when I was pregnant. After fighting through infertility, we treasured every day of my pregnancy as a precious gift from God. He/she is already your baby, and you're already a mom to him/her.

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  15. Thank you for these beautiful and wonderful words.

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  16. I love this...so beautiful and true!!! Good reminder to live in the right now with all those we love and treasure:)

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  17. Love this, Dwija. You're right, of course.

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  18. This is profound. So much of my first pregnancy was spent with a hurry up and wait attitude. Will surely have to look with this viewpoint with the next one

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  19. I love it. Take it all in Mama. Life is beautiful. So just enjoy it one day at a time. Blessings...

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  20. As an infertile who will most likely never experience this....
    As an infertile who grows so, so very tired of hearing nothing but complaints from pregnant women...

    Thank you for sharing this.

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  21. Thanks for this - my due date with baby #3 is just 3 days away, and I'm going nuts with the waiting, even while dreading the actual delivery. I just want all the scary stuff behind me and to "meet her" already, but like you said, she's already ours. I need to remember that when the waiting is really just a short while now, but still seemingly endless.

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  22. You have such a beautiful way with words, Dwija! I love reading your writing. Even though I am not a mom yet, I can imagine myself in your place while reading this. Thanks for sharing.

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  23. I love this post! Knowing that my baby is probably not going to make it, I am trying to soak up every kick and punch. And like you, I am enjoying my baby right now. And I am loving her like there is no tomorrow.

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  24. I love this post! Our rainbow baby just turned 6 months old. My pregnancy with him was SO very special, bittersweet and full of moments just like you are describing. I cherished every single day, no matter how puny I may have felt. Remember that sweet Nicholas is praying for you and your sweet one at the feet of Jesus, and of course you are in my prayers too!
    xoxo

    www.kristindutton.blogspot.com

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  25. Such an incredibly sweet post! <3

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  26. I love that little babe! S/he makes us all so happy!

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  27. Dwija, you made me smile. Thank you.

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  28. You made me cry! Praying for you and all expectant moms.

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  29. Beautiful :) I, too, love to feel the baby moving and kicking around inside me. Its so reassuring. I'm 15+ weeks now, and may? have felt the baby kick, but I"m not sure yet. This is number seven, so I should be so stretched out that the kid can run laps before hitting a wall! Sorry, crass?

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  30. Beautiful beautiful beautiful

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  31. Beautifully said. We always explain to our kids that when someone is pregnant, they are already a mother because what's inside them is a baby. It really irks me when people say to pregnant women, "Oh, you're gonna be a mommy!" Correction. She already is! Just because you can't see him/her, doesn't mean he/she doesn't exist. Anywho, that's my two cents for today! (Love your blog by the way. I got your button on my sidebar!)

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  32. I'm due one day before you, I think. Reading this is something I needed. Thanks. It really helps with the anxiety and worry that comes with having a miscarriage in the past.

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  33. So sweet :) One thing that has really helped me connect with the moving little boy in me is that we did find out he was a boy and already have named him :) We talk to him and call him by our name and even those at my work know his name and will call him by that :)

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  34. This is so beautiful! Thank you for your words, and for the gentle reminder that I needed. You have such a gift. Praying for that precious baby you have, too!

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  35. I love this post! You give me hope!

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