This pregnancy has already been so different. So different in so many ways. But the biggest difference is that I feel like I already have my baby. I've acknowledged that I already have my baby. He or she just happens to be on the inside instead of on the outside. But the baby is alive and is real and is my baby. And today, as I feel him kick and roll, I have him. He is here with me, with us.
Right now is all I've got. Right now is all we've got with anyone, I guess. And as much as that idea is thrown around and talked about, it's still a surprise to me how surprising it is to really take it to heart. So right now, today, I have this baby, and for that I am so grateful.
He or she moves a lot. Has been moving already for several weeks already, in fact. And sometimes I stay up late just to keep feeling him move. I can't see him or hear him, but I can feel him and I don't want to stop feeling him. It's like the night before your beloved boards a plane for days or weeks away. You don't want to sleep. You can't sleep. You can't bring yourself to waste those last precious hours.
So late at night I lie down. The baby wakes up. I smile and set my hand on my belly even though I can't feel anything from the outside yet. I can't help myself. I want to be as close as I can in every way. I read something. Watch something. Wait. Know that he is with us still. Thankful for the growing waistline, the sore feet, the crushed lungs (yes, already). I stay awake as long as I possibly can, feeling his little body so safe inside mine. Happy that I've gotten to keep this baby for one more day.
Right now is all I've got. Right now I love the baby I already have.