Thursday, July 17, 2014

The first anniversary

Tuesday.  I went into it so cautiously.  Maybe nervously is the better word.  Because those days leading up to it were rough.  Really rough.  Maybe it was the uncertainty?  The anticipation?  I've never celebrated an anniversary like that before.  All of it was uncharted territory for us and I just...I just didn't know.  I was sad.  The combination was not good.

Emotions are hard.

And you know what?  The day ended up being really kind of wonderful.  Heart-stretchingly wonderful.  I'm certain that was made possible by all your prayers, because looking back on the day now, it was the sort that could have turned out very badly for a lot of reasons, most of which are "I'm a foolish, foolish woman."   But it was like our whole family was surrounded by a thick bubble of grace- there we were inside, seeing everything rainbow through that smooth, protective shell.

The dentist, the grocery store (flowers and balloons and a bottle of whine, oh my), the bank, a restaurant for lunch ("You were so brave at the dentist!  Happy birthday Nicholas!  Let's celebrate!"), back home to decorate and enjoy each others company, Tommy home early from work, a visit to the cemetery, out for a fun dinner, AND a cruise by a dream house for sale that almost certainly we could never buy, but hey?  Why not look? And finally back home for some hard-earned birthday dessert.

All of that.  We did all of that in one day.  With 6 kids.  One of whom is barely 6 weeks old.  Please believe me when I tell you there was not a single melt down, not a one tiny fit thrown.  I'm fairly sure no one even fought for the entire day.  It may have been one of the most peaceful days in my entire mothering history and wow, that is NOT what I anticipated.

Add to all of that happiness: one email after another after another after another from all of you.  Sweet messages, uplifting stories, prayers, and love.  It was like a constant stream of God's grace flowing through His people right into my life. 

Truly I feel like these words are insufficient.  Like what I'm saying is so base and meager compared to what we experienced that day.  Even now the tears of gratitude are flowing.  It's like I'm trying to tell you what God feels like.  What it feels like to let Him just wrap you up and be your life.  Is it even possible for me to do?  I don't think so.

So instead I'll tell you about the cool breezes that blew that day, the bright blue sky.  The mulberry tree growing at the edge of the cemetery,  Sweet happy children with berry stained cheeks running carefree under the smiling July sun.

And I'll say thank you to every one of you because your prayers made it all possible.


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17 comments :

  1. Thanks be to God for his grace and love! Beautiful and thank you for sharing all that you have. I first happened by your blog when Nicholas passed. Continued prayers. Prayers for Thanksgivig and for continued Peace. *hugs*

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  2. Gosh. I have a lump in my throat reading this. I'm writing this nodding that I know, I know what you are feeling as I read your words. Prayer is so amazing and to be lifted up by so many at such a time, wow! God is good. All the time. Continued prayers for you. As Amanda said, prayers of Thanksgiving and of Peace.

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  3. Tearing up reading this! I'm so glad that you felt such peace! If that isn't evidence for God's love for each of us, I don't know what is!

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  4. Beautiful. (I read every post but rarely comment.) Our family had a similar experience-beautiful, peaceful, and indescribable-last July when we observed our son's birth and death which occurred in July 2012. I'm glad God held your family extra close during a difficult time.

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  5. Maybe the grace and feeling of God's love was like a little gift from him to you on his birthday. A little slice of his heaven for the family he loves so much...
    Love and continued prayers

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  6. You are filled with such an incredible amount of faith and gratitude, truly an inspiration!

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  7. So glad your day was perfect. May God continue to be your source of comfort and peace.

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  8. Oh, the tears, they are a-flowin'. This is so touching and beautiful, Dwija. Thank you for sharing something so real and powerful. You are something special.

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  9. Your faith and the way you describe it are so beautiful. It's a brutiful life!

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  10. YAY!! God is good all the time!!

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  11. And now I'm crying! I'm so glad you have a day full of grace as your family celebrated Baby Nicholas. Lots of love <3

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  12. My daughter had a baby four months ago named Nicholas. God bless you and your family, sweet Dwija.

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  13. We just celebrated the 19th birthday of our firstborn (he died as an infant). His siblings never got the chance to know him in life, but they relish the opportunity to send him birthday balloon to heaven every July 25th. It is a beautiful testimony to love and life to continue to honor our missing babies. I wish you peace.
    http://brelinskyville.blogspot.com/2014/07/hope-didnt-die-with-baby-dimitris-legacy.html

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