Monday, July 14, 2014

Two Anniversaries

The scene:

A woman sits on the middle cushion of a sofa.  On her lap is a boppy.  On her boppy is a five week old baby.  The baby is nursing.  A 6 year old boy hangs on her right shoulder, a 4 year old girl on her left.  A 2 year old girl leans against her left knee. 

On the coffee table in front of her you'll find three stuffed animals, an Ergo baby carrier, a box of baby wipes, a discarded pair of earrings, a library bag (the contents of which has been dumped onto the floor), and the empty wrapper from a mozzarella cheese stick.
She is reading Harry the Dirty Dog out loud.

She is trying not to think about the two sinks full of dirty dishes or the fact that the recycling bin is full, resulting in approximately 16 empty beer cans lined up like so many faithful soldiers on her kitchen counter.

Let's not even talk about the bathroom.

*****

Yesterday was our 4 year arrive-aversary, a day that always makes us smile.  That day marked the beginning of a new era for all of us.  New adventures, a new way of living.  New friends.  The best version of us that there could be.

*****

Tomorrow is a different kind of anniversary.  Tomorrow is our son Nicholas' first heavenly anniversary.  I don't know how that day will feel.  I can tell you, though, that the days leading up to today have been harder than I anticipated they would be.

*****

And this is today.  It will always be sandwiched in the middle of the memory of two life-changing moments.

Breakfast, library, lunch, books, quiet time, chores.  Nursing this sweet baby (he's asleep against my chest right now).  Wondering when and how to break the news I'm about to break.

Taking a deep breath and ripping off the band aid: I won't be going to Edel after all.

After my check-up last week, my midwife told me she thought it was a bad idea.  My recovery has been so much slower than I anticipated.  The prolapse, the pelvic symphysis, the as yet unexplained full body hives.  All the things.  She feels it's too soon and I'm not inclined to take health risks right now.  And I'm so crushed.  Not anxious crushed, because I know it's the right decision.  But sad crushed.  I wanted to see you all!  And dress up!  And travel!  And stay at a swanky hotel!  And visit my sweet Texas again!  But I also want to do what's right for my health and my family, so here I am, apologizing to all of you.  Sigh.

But it's okay.  Because orphans are being gotcha-d.  And adoptions are being fully funded.  And the windows are open in my house so I can hear the rain.

    

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49 comments :

  1. Oh, Dweej. I'm sending you hugs through the interwebs.

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  2. Oh sweetie, hugs and lots of prayers.

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  3. You and your midwife are smart ladies. Prayers to you and congrats for living in the moment.

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  4. Oh. Dweej. I'm so sorry about Edel. I know that disappointment well. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself, though. I'll be praying for you: for recovery from birth, for healing of your heart from the loss of Nicholas. Rest assured that you're covered in prayers, friend.

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  5. My husband had those unexplained full body hives. Turns out it was stress! We made some small changes (physical and mental) and he has been hive free for well over a month now. The stress was not major either, just every day stuff that he wasn't dealing with properly. I know of another person who had the same problem. Weird! Hugs!

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  6. <3 sending love and compassion...wish I could do something to help. Praying for healing: physically and emotionally. Just breathe sweet lady.

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  8. It just won't be the same without you, but I'm glad you're making the right choice for your health. Praying for you.

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  9. Oh, I'm so sorry. I was looking forward to meeting you. But your midwife is right, your health has to take precedence. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers tomorrow.

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  10. Hugs. Lots of hugs.

    Tomorrow, make a cake. It's a feast day, of sorts. Stick a candle in a pan of brownies if that's all you can manage. And light another candle at your church and ask Nicholas to pray for you. It doesn't get easier, but in time you see the Grace more clearly.

    And so sorry you won't be coming to Texas. I knew months ago that I had no chance to go. But next year? Let's remain hopeful that this thing is a success and we'll all see each other next year.

    (Edited for incredible spelling mistakes.)

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  11. Oh, Dweej. I'm sorry. What a disappointment! A good decision but a hard one. I can't believe it's already been a year since Nicholas died. Prayers, dear friend, for peace and healing. May that little boy keep praying for all of you.

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  12. I had a rough pregnancy with my newest girl here, among a bunch of things I had pelvic instability/loose joints. I've been surprised at how long it's taken to get over that (everything else went away like 5 minutes after she was born). She's 7 months today, and I only occasionally feel a twinge, it's gotten better continuously but more gradually than I would like! And rest and not pushing it too far has been key. So I guess what I'm trying to say is: take it easy, it will get better. Praying for a swift recovery and peace for your whole family tomorrow!

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  13. A whole year? I think of him often. Prayers for all of you.

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  14. Prayers for you, Dwija. Lots and lots of prayers.

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  15. Wow, 4 years already!? I remember stumbling upon this blog shortly after you moved in. It's crazy how time flies!

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  16. Oh, I'm sorry Dweej. That's all sorts of overwhelming. I really wanted to go to Edel too but it's not in the cards this year. I'll meet you there next year....;) Feel better soon.

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  17. I hope you feel so much better so soon! And I will be praying for you. Miscarriage/stillbirth is never easy, and I think it gets harder for a long time before it gets better.

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  18. Oh no! So bummed for you. But I'm sure it's the right decision. And if your recovery is going that slow, you really do need to not think about the dishes. And we can certainly agree not to talk about bathrooms, yours or mine, haha.

    I still think about you and Nicholas a lot, and I will certainly be lifting you up in prayer tomorrow. Hugs, hugs and more hugs! And maybe a beer?

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  19. I am so very sorry my sweet friend. I can imagine how sad you are about many things. God is asking you to rest, heal and take care of those beautiful gifts He has given you. Know that I will be praying for you and your sweet family. Hugs from VA!

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  20. That stinks about Edel. Whenever things turn out like that for me, I am always quick to thank God for saving me from whatever bad thing was inevitably going to happen. I can't believe it's been a year without Nicholas, but sweet Charlie wouldn't be here without your saint in Heaven. Hugs!

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    1. God shared Nicholas AND Charlie with Dwija and Tommy; not Nicholas OR Charlie. They are both --currently-- their sons. One doesn't and never could replace the other. God obviously chose both boys to be their children. To say anything else virtually negates the existence of one of them and that's very painful for a mother to hear.

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    2. Colleen is a sweetheart and meant only that Nicholas' heavenly assignment freed up space on earth for Charlie to be here, in her arms, now. She definitely wasn't trying to negate the loss and sorrow of losing a sweet son so young.

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    3. "Nicholas' Heavenly assignment freed up space on earth for Charlie"? Do you know how completely insensitive AND inaccurate that statement is, especially to a mother who has lost her child?
      I know Colleen is a sweetheart, but that still does not make it less
      hurtful to Dwija and other women who have endured loss to have words spoken carelessly.
      If you have any sympathy and imagination -- or even a firm understanding of Catholic theology-- you will stop adding to the pain of an already hugely painful anniversary and simply say "I'm so sorry. I am praying.".

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    4. I just want to say that I was not at all offended by Colleen's comment. I've lost 5 children, two within the same year that my daughter was born. For me to acknowledge the fact that she wouldn't be alive if I hadn't lost the other two does not seem insensitive to me nor does it lessen the pain of their loss. Sometime in the midst of the 5 losses, I learned not to listen to "words" but to the love with which they were said--hard to hear when it's in print. For those words which did hurt, I begged for the grace to offer up my pain in reparation for SO many intentions, but especially the sin of abortion.

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  21. Thinking of you as you remember Nicholas' special anniversary. May God bless and keep you. May Our Lady wrap you tightly in her mantle. God bless!

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  22. I started reading your blog right after you moved. Wished I knew you in real life -- and if I did, I'd bring you over a meal during these post-partum days of anniversaries and tough (but wise) decisions. Praying for healing and un-hiving.
    Nancy

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  23. So many prayers for you Dweej, and so so sorry you aren't able to go to Edel. I had to drop out too, maybe when I'm not a swollen pregnant mess and you're all recovered we can do a Midwest style Edel, it will be awesome!

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  24. Well, if you need something for today, it's Bastille Day in France?

    But that stinks about Edel; I let out an audible sigh for you as I read it even though I won't be there myself. I will be covering your family in prayers tomorrow.

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  25. {{{{Dwija}}}} Praying for you. Nicholas, please pray for your family, especially your mom.

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  26. Oh Dwija, I'm sorry. I'll say prayers. I also wanted to say something in regard to your hives. I've dealt with chronic inflammation and urticaria for twenty years. I accidently figured out that fermented cod liver oil stopped it. It must be the vitamin D or A, but if you can get your hands on some, it might help. I also have to say, it really helped with my post-partum recovery as well, I was far more even tempered.
    Again, sending prayers and much love.

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  27. So sorry about Edel. I feel your pain about the slow postpartum recovery : it's been 10 weeks now and I'm still not there. So frustrating!

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  28. Yeah. I'm not going either. I always give myself mastitis in the first month with a new babe. Usually during baptism weekend which happens to be Edel Weekend too.

    Tomorrow is a birthday AND a feast day! You gotta eat cake! Even if it tastes like emotions. Lovin' you and praying for you girlfriend.

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  29. I am sorry Dwija. Prayers for your recovery and also for tomorrow.

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  30. Oh, Dwija. I'm so sorry. You must be terribly disappointed. For what it's worth, I agree with everyone else that you have made the right and good choice. Take care of yourself. I can't go to Edel, either. Schedule conflict. Blerg. My heart really needs that right now, too. I'm holding out big hope that it happens again next year...'cause I'm goin' if it does!
    Praying for you and your family this week. Peace be with you.

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  31. I was actually mentally calculating Charlie's age the other day and wondering, 'is Dwija really flying with a 7 week old and all that business going on, post-partumly?' and while I'm sad you won't be there to karaoke with, I'm relieved for you, because you totally made the right call. Happy anniversaries, and I always think about Nicholas when I look at pictures of Charlie :)

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  32. Noooo! But you set a wonderful example for all other moms to follow: Take care of yourself. I'll greatly miss getting to meet such a legend of the blog. God bless you and your beautiful family.

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  33. You will certainly be missed at Edel! But, your health and family obviously come first! Hope you continue quickly down the road to recovery <3

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  34. I'm so sorry for your disappointment (and all those people who were so excited to get to meet you). Sometimes we have to know our limits and just be at peace with them. It's hard.

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  35. Praying for you today, Dwija. May our sweet babies in heaven pray for us, too.

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  36. Thinking of you & Nicholas today.. Praying for you both.

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  37. So sorry, Dwija! Thinking of you and sending prayers. From reading other posts and comments you have made to other bloggers, I know you are one to have a balanced take on life, one who can take the suffering in stride, one who has a deeply theological understading of earthly suffering, and that you work with God in making something strong and beautiful out of it. Do not forget that you have that in you.

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  38. Oh, I'm so sorry. I wish you could go! Thinking of you today, as well. Love.

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  39. May God reward you for this difficult decision! Your obedience to Him in this matter is such a beautiful example for us all. May God bless you in a special way on this difficult anniversary day. Keeping you in prayer!

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  40. God bless and keep you as you seek His face in this time!

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  41. Feel that? ..........Yeah, that......That was my hug from afar.

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  42. I know not going to Edel is a HUGE disappointment, but I think you made the right decision. Sadly, I can't go this year either - scheduling conflict with the hubby's graduation from his Master's program. Next year. Prayers and hugs from afar.

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  43. I'm sad for you that you can't make it to Edel, but kinda weirdly satisfied too that I won't be missing out so much, seeing as you were one of the people I really wanted to meet. :} Lifting up prayers for your family...but I don't have the right words for these prayers. I'm kind of stumped. I don't know yet what to do with suffering, how to understand it. In particular, how to bear up under it! You are a fantastic example of that. I do know God is love, so I'm just gonna pray He's all over you, in you, and through you. Thank you so much for sharing your life with others, for being the light and showing us how to shine too.

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