A woman sits on the middle cushion of a sofa. On her lap is a boppy. On her boppy is a five week old baby. The baby is nursing. A 6 year old boy hangs on her right shoulder, a 4 year old girl on her left. A 2 year old girl leans against her left knee.
On the coffee table in front of her you'll find three stuffed animals, an Ergo baby carrier, a box of baby wipes, a discarded pair of earrings, a library bag (the contents of which has been dumped onto the floor), and the empty wrapper from a mozzarella cheese stick.
She is reading Harry the Dirty Dog out loud.
She is trying not to think about the two sinks full of dirty dishes or the fact that the recycling bin is full, resulting in approximately 16 empty beer cans lined up like so many faithful soldiers on her kitchen counter.
Let's not even talk about the bathroom.
Yesterday was our 4 year arrive-aversary, a day that always makes us smile. That day marked the beginning of a new era for all of us. New adventures, a new way of living. New friends. The best version of us that there could be.
Tomorrow is a different kind of anniversary. Tomorrow is our son Nicholas' first heavenly anniversary. I don't know how that day will feel. I can tell you, though, that the days leading up to today have been harder than I anticipated they would be.
And this is today. It will always be sandwiched in the middle of the memory of two life-changing moments.
Breakfast, library, lunch, books, quiet time, chores. Nursing this sweet baby (he's asleep against my chest right now). Wondering when and how to break the news I'm about to break.
Taking a deep breath and ripping off the band aid: I won't be going to Edel after all.
After my check-up last week, my midwife told me she thought it was a bad idea. My recovery has been so much slower than I anticipated. The prolapse, the pelvic symphysis, the as yet unexplained full body hives. All the things. She feels it's too soon and I'm not inclined to take health risks right now. And I'm so crushed. Not anxious crushed, because I know it's the right decision. But sad crushed. I wanted to see you all! And dress up! And travel! And stay at a swanky hotel! And visit my sweet Texas again! But I also want to do what's right for my health and my family, so here I am, apologizing to all of you. Sigh.
But it's okay. Because orphans are being gotcha-d. And adoptions are being fully funded. And the windows are open in my house so I can hear the rain.