Tuesday, October 18, 2011

To My Babies in Heaven

I know you feel only joy.  You have no troubles and no pain.  Because that's what heaven is all about.

I hope you're together.  I know you're together.  And even though I know my goal in life is to get my babies to heaven, it still makes me sad that you three are there, and these four are here and they don't know you.  They won't, can't, know you until they're in heaven too.

Is it wrong that that's what fuels me?  What fuels me to help my children here on earth to be the best people they were meant to be, to teach them what they need to know for eternity, to accept nothing less than the goodness that will help get them to heaven is that there are brothers or sisters up there waiting for them. Is that wrong?  I feel like it should be because of my own personal love of God.

But maybe that's why God gave you to us for such a short time and then called you home.  Because He knows our weaknesses but wants us all with Him anyway.  Maybe He wants me to want to do the right thing and be the kind of person that says "I want nothing more than to be with you, Lord" but He knows that I'm not strong enough to be that kind of person without my own children waiting for me there, calling to me.

Our earthly time is short, even if we have long earthly lives.  Eternity is...forever.  I hope you look down and see a person you want to spend eternity with.  I wonder if it hurts you to know that your siblings don't know about you yet.  Should I tell them?  They're so young.  I don't know if they can understand.

But maybe if they knew about you, it would fuel them too.  Because sometimes when you're imperfect and sinful, it's hard to want to know God enough to always do the right thing.  But wanting to know your own flesh and blood?  Knowing you have a little sister or brother that you've never met just waiting to welcome in the embrace of eternal Love?  Well, that just might be enough.

It's hard to know what to do.  And I'm so sorry that I can go weeks without thinking of you.  I know other mothers, better mothers, who would know the exact dates that she lost each one of you.  Who would have named you.  But I tucked you into the folds of my heart and moved on, and I'm sorry for that.

I'm humbled that the Lord saw fit to make me the mother of three saints.  Please help me to live up to that distinction.  Pray for me that I do and say what's  right.  That I treat your brothers and sisters here on earth, both physical and spiritual, with the respect and kindness and holy love that they deserve.

Please pray for me that I can become the kind of mother that you deserve.

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73 comments :

  1. Oh Dwija. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost two babies - one before Gabriel was conceived - in fact he was conceived on that baby's birthday and one on Lucas' fourth birthday. It hurts.

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  2. I'm so sorry for your loss and your family's loss.

    I've not been where you are but couldn't you still name them? Maybe your other kids could even help pick the names and begin to know them. Maybe that is a dumb idea. I don't mean to be insensitive. I know it isn't so easy. It was just an idea.

    I'll keep you in my prayers.

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  3. No, it's not a dumb idea, and you aren't being insensitive at all. It's a real thing, so real responses are good. So good. Thank you, Katherine.

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  4. Dwija, this is a beautiful post. It is a very special vocation to be the mother of babies in Heaven. I'm very sorry for your losses. I am sure that your little saints are interceding for their mother all the time!

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  5. Beautiful post Dwija. I didn't realize you had lost three babies before, and our a Momma to 7. I pray for peace for you and comfort. I'm sure you'll tell your other 4 when the Lord helps you to know the time is right. God Bless You!

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  6. i'm so sorry, dweej. your writing is such a gift. xoxoxo

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  7. Dwija,
    This is a beautiful post. I would encourage you to name your little ones, even now for your sake and your children's. I grew up not knowing the names of my three siblings in Heaven but wondering about them and when I finally rediscovered my faith and my mom revealed to me the names she had tucked into her heart and comforted herself with, I felt such a strong connection with them. Knowing their names really strengthened that bond.

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  8. I have never experienced this kind of loss and so I can't really imagine how you feel, Dwija. I can only share with you something that my dearest friend, who experienced two losses, does. Every night when they pray as a family she gets her two little girls to invoke their beloved babies by name. She and her husband prayer together and named them Matthew and Rosalie. So every night her earthly child say St. Matthew and St. Rosalie, pray for us! She's hoping that they will think of their big brother and sister as heavenly confidantes to turn to in prayer the same way they would have turned to them for advice on earth.

    This post breaks my heart and heals it at the same time. Your faith is inspiring and so deep and true. Please never stop sharing your soul with us.

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  9. Thank you, Charlotte. I guess I don't know 'how' I would name them not knowing if they're boys or girls. I know that must sound silly...

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  10. I lost three babies also, and don't know if they're boys or girls. :( That is stopped me from naming them as well. I think there must be a way to solve that but I haven't figure it out.

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  11. I'm sorry, Dweej. This is one of the worst "clubs" to which any woman can belong, but you have all the "right" feelings and thoughts. I really would encourage you to share the information with your kids. We sometimes think they can't understand these kinds of truths, but, in reality, they have such beautiful perspectives that it can be the best time to share the information. Their childlike-view of God and His Love and Mercy enable them to see their siblings as being cradled by Jesus and His Blessed Mother; such a comforting thought!
    We regularly pray to our babies in Heaven, and no family trip begins without us saying "St. Fiona, Pray for Us!", etc. We include them as a normal part of our daily lives and try to refer to them as often as possible so that our kids know, not only that their siblings are waiting and praying for them, but that death is a part of Life and does not have to be terrifying. Hugs.

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  12. beautiful Dweej!
    I've had two miscarriages and I often think of them in heaven and wonder what they look like. I don't know if they are boys or girls or one of each. But I do know I will see them one day.

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  13. I am tearing up at work and hoping no one asks me why or I may start bawling! You are such an amazing woman, Dwija. *hugs*

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  14. Dweej, I'm so, so, sorry for for your losses. You are an incredible mother, ALL your babies know that. xo

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  15. Oh Dwija, I just love you! I lost one a few weeks ago due to an ectopic and it's been so hard not only because we have been trying for so long but because I almost feel like I'm not entitled to grieve something I barely knew existed. Thank you for sharing!

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  16. Julie, please know that grief has nothing to do with entitlement. You are a mother who has lost a child, and that is a fact. And I know how long and hard you've been trying...my heart breaks for you and your loss :'(

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  17. Gender neutral names maybe? Francis, Carol (like JP II's given name, though that is spelled w/a K) Leslie. I named my tiny little one Francis. God bless you.

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  18. Dwija, I'm so sorry! How did I not already know this about you? I can't imagine losing one let alone three! As you know, I am not a religious person but I envy your faith and acceptance that there is a reason for all "this" (miscarriages and life's other challenges). I'm glad it helps keep you going.......me, I'm just medicated! LOL!

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  19. Dwija,

    We chose to name our little child that we lost, Daisy, because I saw the baby as more of a flower that didn't get a chance to bloom here on earth. The name Daisy, though I know is a pretty gender specific name, symbolized, for us, a tender seedling that God had called home. I just thought I'd share with you how we came about a name. I hope and pray that God will guide you through it all. Grief is such a strange and heartbreaking process. May He give you peace and closure in a way that is very specific for you and your family. Blessings.

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  20. Dwija, I think you are one of the strongest people I know, (even if it's only virtual) and I can't believe you are so hard on yourself. I know that I compartmentalize difficult experiences so that I can move forward. It's not that you forget. You tuck those moments away and they become a part of who you are. Your babies know that and hopefully you do too :)

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  21. Amen.

    We have two saints in heaven, and we gave them gender-neutral names, since both were lost before it was possible to identify his or her sex. Our first saint we named Noel, since we lost him/her just before Christmas. Our second we named Chris (could be short for either Christopher or Christina, after the dear friend who started us on the road to Catholicism).

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  22. Dwija, it is ok to think and feel the way you do - I have 4 babies in heaven and I don't know if they are boys or girls either - every once in a while I am overwhelmed about the loss - God helps me through and comforts me - I just find comfort knowing they are with God our Lord - don't be hard on yourself, you are OK!!

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  23. I lost two before our 4th was born. I covered the gender issue by naming one Mary Joseph, and the other Joseph Mary. If you look at a lot of the religious out there, there are many that take names opposite of their own gender, to show a particular devotion. Some I personally know: Fr. Isaac Mary, Sr. Maria Christi, Sr. Dominic, Sr. Joseph Andrew, to name a few. So, I don't think you'll be doing an injustice to give them a gender specific name. Then when you meet "Gabriel" you may say "oh-- Gabriella!" I'm sure they (and God) know your intentions. :) *hugs*

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  24. Awww, Dwij. I send you many bear hugs and prayers. I don't think you should be sorry. Grief is a very personal issue. You shouldnt compare. But thank you for sharing such personal thoughts. You are a gift to other women. ~LD

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  25. This is a beautiful and amazing post. My friend just had a baby in the middle of the night. She has lost 3 before and didn't expect to conceive so this was a miracle for her. Through her, I understood the grief and loss that a woman experiences. My hearts are with you both and all women who have gone through this. You truly are in inspiration to many women out there. I'm so excited for them and can't wait to go see the little miracle today!

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  26. I have such a lump in my throat, thank goodness I don't need my throat to type this or.....

    I'm sorry Dweeg the story of loss and ache for your babies touches me deeply.

    It's a terrible ache, continuous, mixed with many questions, at least that how it was for me.

    Thank God for my faith; duh! If I didn't know that my kids were in the arms of our Lord I'd probably not have been able to move forward after their deaths.

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  27. Seven children. You must really be a special lady to be entrusted as the momma to so many little ones. Even if they were only here a short time.

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  28. I agree with Renee's post (we named ours Gabriel exactly for the reasons you state!). I think praying together as a family for inspiration to name the babies is a good way to go.

    We thank God for Gabriel each night and especially ask him to intercede for our grown children who don't live at home any more. He can do more on their behalf than we can, from his place at the feet of Jesus.

    I think the additional motive to live a Christ-like in order to one day have our family reunited in heaven is beautiful, and most likely IS a part of God's design.

    Perhaps one of your children in heaven is the patroness of writing-inspiring you to inspire all of us.

    I'm so sorry for your losses, and humbled by your ability to share them in this way.

    Love ya, girl

    MB

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  29. I'm at a loss for inspiring or powerful words. All I can offer is love. The love you've shown to me & others comes back to you in this moment where your heart is so full and your eyes sting with tears. You're surrounded with love and I hope that thought envelopes you in invisible arms like a giant hug today and everyday. ~K

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  30. Oh Krista, thank you for your sweet, sweet words!

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  31. God's timing is incredible. Last night I shared with my Bible study about my mixed emotions; yesterday my husband and I found out that our child (due March 7,2012) is a healthy girl, and just a few days before marked the due date of our baby that went to heaven March of this year. We chose a neutral name, Lynn; it's also my father's middle name. Thank you for sharing your heart and motivating me to continue to grow in virtue. My husband and I have already talked about wanting our little girl to know about and pray to her brother or sister in heaven.

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  32. This brought tears to my eyes. Can you imagine that those babies have never known anything but Perfect Love? I sometimes think of that. I wonder if your 3 and my 1 are playing together in Heaven?

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  33. I read this early this morning and you've been in my thoughts all day. I don't know what to say, really, except that you are a wonderful person and very loved. ((hugs))

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  34. Oh Dwija, I am so sorry for your loss. It is so hard to know where to put those feelings isn't it?

    Dom's sister had had three miscarriages before I was married-- one after each of her three oldest children-- she had named each baby and her family included those babies in their bedtime prayers so all her children knew they had three special saints interceding for them from heaven. With my sister-in-law's example tucked near my heart, when I knew in my heart that I was miscarrying, I immediately felt a pull to name the baby I feared I was losing. I asked God to grant my baby baptism and I named him/her Francis. Even though we hadn't settled on a name yet, I knew that would be a name Dom would approve of as he has a great devotion to St Francis. So now at bedtime prayers we ask God to bless all our children and name each of them, including Francis. My children have never not known about our baby that God took to heaven. We occasionally have chats about baby Francis and recently Bella wrote a story about a baby whale named Francis. For us it's kind of a normal part of life that one of our babies is in heaven.

    I know it might feel more awkward now that it's been some time to suddenly bring up these little saints. I can imagine it might be hard to find the right words to talk about them with your children; but I think your family will be blessed by it. Perhaps you could ask your children to help you choose names for their siblings? Or maybe you can pray and see if names come to you in prayer. I've had friends tell me that is what happened for them, suddenly they had a dream and they knew what the baby's name was.

    I know my grandmother had lost a baby who was stillborn, and for years she had dreams of the little girl she had lost. The girl grew older, always the age she would have been. And then one day my grandmther knew it was ok to let the girl go and she said goodbye to her and never dreamed of her again.

    I know God will lead your heart to what works best for your family. Everyone grieves differently and there is no right or wrong way to feel a loss.

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  35. As a mother to a baby in heaven, I love this. Thank you.

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  36. I'm so very sorry for your loss. You're an amazing mother to ALL of your babies. They know that and they're so very proud of you.

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  37. You are the perfect mother for them because you love them and you dealt with it the way that worked for you. I'm so sorry they didn't get to join you here, but I have no doubt you'll all be together again.

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  38. Thank you all for these wonderful, uplifting comments! You've really warmed my heart today... :)

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  39. I love this letter. We have a saint in heaven too; we ask him (we actually don't know if he's a he or a she) to pray for us every night. We gave him the name Chris Francis (which also works for a girl) and sometimes I wonder what he's up to up there.

    I can't believe you had to go through this pain three times. I know what you mean about how it still hurts sometimes even though we know the little ones feel only joy and are with God.

    Hopefully some day both of our entire families will be reunited in heaven. <3

    Jamie
    For Love of Cupcakes

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  40. Aw, Dweej, I'm right there with you, but only lost one...I can't imagine going through it 3 times. You are a strong woman! I often go long periods of time without thinking about it. I think God knew I needed to experience loss so that I would appreciate my living babies more. HUGS to you, dear friend

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  41. Dwija, it is such a hard thing. I lost one four years ago in September and another two years after that in September. We named them the names we were going to use for our next kids, not knowing the genders, so we've got an Edmund Campion and an Elizabeth Yvonne in heaven. We told Stas when it happened. He was/is still really too young to understand, but he knows anyway. I don't know if telling him was the right thing or not, but I know that I needed him as another person to hug when I was having a difficult time. I conceived my Sarah on the very next cycle after Lizzy died. My husband has a theory that the babies sacrificed themselves knowing there was some unknown danger in carrying them to term. A friend of mine had a sibling who had died, and the kids picked out his name - Homer - and hung his Christmas ornaments on the tree every year. I always liked the sound of that.

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  42. Oh Dwija ... this is such a beautiful, gut wrenching honest part of losing children and clinging to faith and the fuel in our hearts for living in our forever home. Thank you for sharing it ... letting me know I'm not the only one who thinks these sorts of thoughts.

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  43. Love your blog! I just nominated you for the stylish blogger award. See my blog for more information on accepting the award, entry dated October 15. God bless.

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  44. My heart goes out to you Dwija, I've kept you in mind all day. I hope our babies in heaven know each other. It's a brave and difficult thing to write about.

    My family lost a baby many years before I was born, and then my mom miscarried when I was a teenager. My parents told us about both and even incorporated them into our family traditions. My family still decorates the Christmas tree on Dec. 15 which would have been my brother Christopher's birthday. Although I never got to meet him, my childhood memories of decorating the tree are connected to him.

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  45. While I don't have personal experience with miscarriage, I can totally understand how not knowing whether it was a boy or girl would make naming difficult.

    Now I know this is going to sound kinda silly, but you know how in the bible angels often spoke to people through dreams... Well maybe if you ask your guardian angel to reveal to you the sex of your babies he would. My guardian angel is really good about answering questions I have through my dreams (yes, I realize I sound like a total loon, but it is what it is) and so maybe yours would too. Afterall, I'm sure he grieved their deaths too and would love the opportunity to reminisce about them and share what he knows! Just a thought.
    Emily C

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  46. Diwja, I'm so sorry to hear you've had these losses. I haven't named my angel twins either, because it feels wrong to name them without knowing their gender, and I don't really like most unisex names. I keep thinking I've "tucked them into the folds of my heart" (what a wonderful description) and moved on, but then suddenly I'm crying in public with no warning - happened just today. There are grief triggers everywhere, I've found. Thank you so much for posting this. It has given me hope that this wound will heal.

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  47. Dwija, One of those odd coincidences.... Dom came home tonight and told me about the radio show they did today, which was about a couple in a nearby parish who have started a ministry by having an annual Memorial Mass for Miscarried Children and their Families. The story of the wife who had five miscarriages (and no surviving children) tugs at my heart. Anyway, I don't know if you're interested; but you can listen to the show here: The Good Catholic Life: A Memorial Mass for Miscarried Children and Their Families

    I haven't listened to it yet; but it looks like a lot of good stuff there.

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  48. Wow, Dweej, this is an amazing post. Amazing that you are such a strong person, and amazing that you know and feel comfort that those three little ones are being taken care of so well right now. I cannot even imagine, but I still feel for you. Thanks, once again, for opening up and sharing this.

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  49. Thank you for your response to the mother who didn't feel "entitled" to her grief. My firstborn was a twin, but I miscarried at 5 weeks with one and carried my sweet boy to term. Had we not seen the ultrasound, we never would have known about our second baby. Thank you for shining a spotlight on what can be "closet" grief, and for being so honest about your own. This is certainly one of your many vocations, Dwija, and I feel blessed that God's plan has brought your words to all of us. You are an example of divine providence in action, and your family (on earth and in Heaven) is in my prayers. -- Becky

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  50. Oh Becky, thank you for your sweet, heartfelt words. It's incredible how we can come together in our sorrows through this medium and from it comes the joy of community. Hugs!

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  51. I lost two but have spent very little time in life thinking about them. I believe strongly that everything happens for a reason and that someday I will see the reason. Wonderful post

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  52. I haven't dealt with this kind of loss, but am surprised by how many have. Beautiful post about your other three.

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  53. Good Lord D....this is... well, there arent words for it really...amazing doesnt come close... you need to get this published in a Catholic newsletter, a book, a pamplet for mothers who are suffering through miscarriage, abortion or the loss of an earthly child... to give them support, strength and a purpose...to serve as a reminder that Gods plan for them is better than theirs and one day they can be be reunited in heaven with God and their babies forever and ever. beautiful.

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  54. Thank you, Dwija. Such powerful emotions put beautifully to words. Moved me to tears--happy and sad ones. I've got 2 saints in heaven myself. Thank you.

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  55. That was beautiful. I'm so sorry you had to experience such losses. I wish no mother had to bear that pain.

    I have not lost a child, but my mom did lose my older brother. She was young, only 16, and was planning to give him up for adoption. He was born with a genetic disorder affecting his lungs, and only lived a very short time. I can't even imagine how devastated she must have been. She shared his story with me when I was about 10 years old. At first, I was very, very sad. I hated the fact that he never had a chance to live. But after a while, I was glad to know of him. I've often imagined him looking down on us from heaven and I look forward to someday meeting him. His name was Isaac :).

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  56. My mother told my sister and I about our brother in heaven when we were still very young and I am very happy that she did. It has always been a wonderful motivator for me, not just to get to heaven myself, but to be a better big sister and it's comforting to know that I have a big brother who is watching over me!

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  57. I lost a child between my first and second. I held his/her impossibly tiny, but undoubtedly human, body in my hand. I will never forget the joy I had those three months he and I were together brought me. We didn't name him/her because we could not tell the gender. It knaws at me. I want to name the baby someday, so we can have a grave marker made.

    It's so hard. It's hard wondering what my life would have been like with that child as part of our family. I wonder what he would look like, what kind of person he'd be. On the other hand, I would not have my precious son Henry if that child had lived to term. I can't imagine our family without Henry.

    Miscarriage is truly a heartbreaking thing. I wept reading your post and all the comments. Thank you for this.

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  58. Oh, Dwija, now I have tears in my eyes. I'm not really religious, but this really spoke to me.

    I have one angel baby too.

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  59. Hugs, my friend. I have a little one up there too. It'll be 5 years in December and it's amazing to me that just typing that smacks me so forcefully after all these years. I go MONTHS without thinking about it but when I do...BAM. Right back to that doctor's office. Much love.

    Amy @ A Little Nosh

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  60. I'm so very sorry for the three babies you lost. So very, very sorry.
    My mom had two miscarriages and I was maybe 7 or 8 - and I understood what happened. It is comforting to know that I have a brother & sister in heaven. Thanks for the reminder to pray for their intercession in my life!

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  61. i read this via melissa loen and it brought tears to my eyes. i just lost a baby last month and you put into words every feeling i have had but have been unable to put into words. thank you! jenni

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  62. Dwija, what a heartbreaking post. You were worthy of being their mom the moment you conceived. I am so sorry that either of us has to spend a day without our babies.

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  63. I have never been to your site before, I found it on Barefoot and Pregnant. This is beautiful, and incredibly moving. I am very blessed, I have 8 living children, and I am so thankful for each of them. In my last 16 years of marriage, I have also miscarried 6 children. Last week, I went in for the "big" ultrasound of our identical twins, only to find out they had died. I was induced and delivered my sweet baby boys the next day. I am so heartbroken, and having a hard time dealing with this loss. Finding this, today, is helping. I am so mad. I prayed for these little babies everyday. I had a feeling something wasn't going to be right, but it all seemed to be going so well. But they are gone. We named them George and Gabriel. And Emily C. - you don't sound like a loon, not to me. With my first loss, and ectopic pregnancy which I didn't allow them to do anything for until I was assured that my baby had died, (I just didn't know what to do), I had a dream, a consolation, of my baby. He told me his name was Matthew, and that he would be our special intercessor, that he would watch over our family, and pray for us.
    We lost two more babies before I knew I was pregnant, and I believe that one of their names is Jordan, after the Jordan river where Christ was baptized. I have asked for the other name to be told to me, or come to me, but I am waiting. I pray, hope and believe that my babies are together, listening to the angels sing, and waiting for us. We too have told our children that they are there, waiting and praying for us. And no, I think you are perfectly correct, God knows us so well, that he knwos we would do anything to get to our children, even if it is hard, even if it takes a lifetime. I want them so very much, and I truly and struggling now, but your post has helped me remember what I have known all along. Our Lord is in charge, He creates for His kingdom. His ways are not the ways of man. My babies are safely in His care. I await the day I will see them again - they are indeed a most precious incentive. God Bless you and your Family, Megan

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  64. Thank you for this. We just recently lost a little one and this was very touching.

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  65. Your letter is very touching and so real. Thank you for your comment on my blog. I read that others have urged you to name your babies. I named my babies and had their names are written in the book at the Shrine of the Holy Innocents in New York. They send you certificates as a special gesture and people pass by this book everyday and pray for the families that have experienced the loss of a little one. Masses are also said. So many intercessors can only be a good thing.

    http://www.innocents.com/shrine.asp

    God Bless you and your family. Congratulations on your pregnancy, also. I thank you again for your kind words. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  66. Thank you for sharing. Wishing you amazing blessings always. Maybe you could name them Sun, Sky, and Star? Or Angel, Saint, and Halo? Or Peace, Love, and Joy? Maybe I'm silly, but just sayin.

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  67. Oh, Dweej... somehow I didn't realize this. I have lost, also, and I write this with tears streaming down my face in gratitude and poignant sorrow. Thank you for the bravery to write what I have only ever felt in my heart. Much love to you and yours, here and beyond.

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  68. Thank you so much for this beautiful post. I just found out a couple days ago that I miscarried our baby and had a d&c today. I am so sorry for your losses. You are the kind of mother I want to be; right now I'm just hurt and angry and I want to hold my baby.

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    1. I'm so sorry for your loss and the pain you're experiencing right now. I don't know if you'll see this, but if it was meant to be, here is a post that another friend wrote just today: http://timeflieswhenyourehavingbabies.blogspot.com/2012/12/on-feast-of-saint-lucy.html Maybe it will also help to soothe you. Prayers for you, friend!

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  69. I just found your blog today. First, I am sorry for all that have experienced the death of a baby. I have had two miscarriages and I have a saint that lived for 5 days. His name is Thomas Daniel, we call him Tommy(Jan 10.-Jan. 15, 2001.) He was born in between my first two daughters. He is very much in our lives. He is in our prayers everyday/night and we ask for his intersession. Due to his brief earthly life, my husband and I started a support group in our community to help other parents cope with the death of an infant due to miscarriage, etopic,still birth, and infant death. We have been helping families for almost 12 years. The book that helped me the most was "Letters to Gabriel," by Karen Santorum.
    I have not named the other babies. I feel that I do not need to and that Tommy is with them and that he is watch out for his earthly siblings. I ask him to pray for you and all the other mothers that go through this grief. Just know that no one should feel guilty and that there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
    Thank you for such a wonderful blog.

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  70. I know this is a little late, but I wanted to give my two cents on naming you babies. We have lost two already this year, and we struggled to decide what to name them. They were both lost too early to know the sex. We ended up giving them each a girl and a boy name. This wasn't planned, it was just the names we picked, but I think it's a good way of doing it. We chose Joachim Anne and Hope Ignatius. It is never too late to name them and I am glad we did.

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