Sunday, October 20, 2013

The Story isn't Over

How are you?

Things have been a little quiet...

Are you okay?

After a few of these kinds of sweet, concerned emails, I'm starting to realize that maybe I've unwittingly gone into hermit mode.  I do this.  Maybe some of you do this too.  It's the mark of the secret introvert I think.  The barely extrovert.  Where we are go out there and talk to all the people and say and do all the things and stay up late and have the fun and go and go and go until we are tired and done and can't manage even a single sentence.  And we turn off our computers and we stare at chickens out the window and wonder if it would be as wonderful as we imagine it would be to quit the internet forever.

After we lost Nicholas, I had this realization that I've shared with a few friends in person.  It goes like this.  See, when I was still pregnant, I told myself that I was ready to accept whatever God had in store for me and that even though it could be terrible, I believe that He can make something beautiful out of terrible terrible things, so I was ready to be His pawn in whatever beautiful thing He had in mind.  But really, in the back of my head, I knew it would turn out okay, that my story would have a happy ending....because of course all of my stories have happy endings.  

I have done and lived and risked and fallen and the end of every story has always been wonderful.  Or at least not awful.  So of course this time would be the same.  I'm the girl that endures the difficult journeys only to have things work out so I can say "Look!  God is so faithful!"  Yes, that's my role in the world.

Then Nicholas died.  And my story didn't have a happy ending.  And that's when I knew that I hadn't really given up my life to God.  I was still writing my own inevitable happy ending in my head.  And then, back then so long and not so long ago at all, I decided that all my stories don't have happy endings after all. 

That used to be the end of my reflection. Some of my stories have crappy endings.

But what was I thinking?  Somehow I had managed to put Nicholas' short life here on Earth in some kind of box with the end of that journey being the End of my Story.  The end of his story.  It sure felt like the end of the story.  That there was nothing more.  But of course there is more.  Nicholas' story goes on.  He can touch so many more people from heaven than he ever could here on Earth.  You want to pray for someone's intercession?  I bet he's not too busy yet. 

And my story goes on.  Many small stories here on Earth which then become one big story in eternity.  If that ending is happy, then I guess all my stories will have happy endings after all.

So I am here and I am okay and I am done thinking that my story is over.  That I have nothing else real to share with all of you.  Because even if that part of the story was pretty crappy, God is absolutely faithful.



 post signature
Pin It

35 comments :

  1. I have chills. And tears. And you're right. You said it perfectly.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Our stories go on and on, forever. My mother's story became my story, which is becoming my children's stories and on and on it goes. Nicholas is living the greatest story of all - eternity. God bless you Dwija. My mother in law tells me you never get over the death of a child, but the pain becomes less as time goes on.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you. For saying what I have not been able to for the last year. Thank you so much.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Nicholas, please pray for those of us on earth who love you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh Dwija. Such a gift you have, putting these things into words!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Ah Miss Dwija - your story is not over until you see the face of God and even then, your children will carry your story on in their hearts passing it down generation to generation. Nicholas is very busy I have no doubt. Miss Courtney and I have called upon him for his assistance many times and will continue to do so. I am so glad you have come to this place of peace...may you continue to be brave and speak God's glory with your life. Hugs from VA!!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sometimes the chapter is over. But the story goes go on. The mystery is how God makes the good shine through all of this.

    I was reminded of Screwtape advising Wormwood that the danger of true resignation was when we stopped writing the happy endings and started actually trusting in God no matter what tragedy befell us. All of us with little saints in the family face this. We know that "everything turning out all right" might mean martyrdom or death in battle or any number of things.

    ReplyDelete
  8. So beautiful. Please ask him to pray for a dear, dear family who lost their little son on Thursday at 39 weeks. I hope they're playing football together in Heaven.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Beautiful...and so true. I've started praying to a baby we lost, for his/her intercession and help.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Beautiful, Dweej. Sweet Nicholas now gets to live the best of the story. Love you!

    ReplyDelete
  11. SO beautiful and such great perspective. You are so awesome.

    ReplyDelete
  12. So my Gabriel, even though he's not the strongest reader on the planet, is really, really good at understanding narrative, of understanding story. He loves meeting people, because he loves their stories- the bagger at the grocery story, the maillady, our neighbors, whoever.

    I like to watch him while he watches movies, because I can tell how the plot is going to shape, just by his posture. He is a creature of story. It's in his blood. I can't wait until he's older, and better able to articulate his thoughts, so he can tell me about the same things you just did- that our stories are parts of a bigger story, and how the scope of that bigger story is so much larger than we imagine, from our viewpoint.

    Gabriel gets it. You get it. Nicholas for sure gets it. I'm just so happy that we have people like you all to help the rest of us understand, too.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Love love love. (I just have no good words in response - sending love. Thank you for sharing.)

    ReplyDelete
  14. I think I would have had the same reaction if I were in your position: acknowledging that all may not turn out as I'd hope and that there would still be purpose to a bad outcome -- but still convinced in the back of my mind that all would be well. MY kind of well.

    I may be doing it right now, in fact. I was just diagnosed with a cyst in my brain and though I've told myself that I could handle a bad outcome, I have myself 95% convinced that it's not going to be a big deal. I don't know what I'll do -- what I'll really, actually do -- if I'm wrong. I think I'll go ahead and ask your Nicholas to pray for me. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  15. I was writing my reply in my head as I was reading and you wrote it for me by the time I finished. xo

    ReplyDelete
  16. I loved this. We lost our third baby (in a row! all are gone!) about the same time you lost Nicholas and I have been so grateful that you shared your grief with the unsuspecting public. We are on that same spiritual journey together of faith and discovery and crappiness, all held together in God's faithful love, D. Blessings to you. -abby.

    ReplyDelete
  17. (Also, I grew up not very far from where you live and I love to see that your living children are thriving and delighting in the beauty of my Michigan!) xo

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thank you for sharing, Dwija. Please know that we still think of you and pray for you! And we will keep Nicholas in mind for intercession :)

    ReplyDelete
  19. I was on a marriage retreat this weekend. One topic that came up over and over was the fact that when we humans co-create life with God, we not only create a person, but an *eternal life.* It's an awesome responsibility and an incredible gift.

    So no, your story is not over, and neither is Nicholas'. I'm sure you're arms ache to hold him, but his story goes on and on forever and ever. Hugs and many prayers, friend.

    ReplyDelete
  20. You are so right; Nicholas's story will never be over. I've been lurking for a while but haven't commented until now. We lost our son last year, when he was three weeks old. I started a blog to keep people updated on his medical condition; fifteen months later, his story continues. It took me almost a year to see God's faithfulness. Please know that sharing your story publicly is a huge source of comfort and encouragement to other moms who have lost babies.

    ReplyDelete
  21. The story you shared online about your Nicholas helped me bond with my unborn son Leo. We were a unit as I prayed for you. Then you gave me practical advice about getting medical intervention because a second trimester miscarriage is much different from a first. So that is two giant ways you helped me. Thank you!

    ReplyDelete
  22. I have found that sharing Gregory's story has helped me and also helped others. I was helped by you sharing Nicholas' story. And I bet Gregory's not too busy yet, either. I often petition your Nicholas for you, and I ask Gregory to pray for all of us, too.

    I am so thankful for this Faith that we share -- so that we can recognize and live the stories we all have for eternity.

    ReplyDelete
  23. keep talking about nicholas! keep celebrating his birthday (concepction, or the day he finally came to this Earth)... he can never be forgotten!

    ReplyDelete
  24. Thank you. So much of this hits so close to the core. Especially with the due date of our precious Anne coming up in the next few weeks (and Nicholas). I hope Nicholas and Anne are good friends. I still remember you e-mailing me to congratulate me on being pregnant and how we were going to be due date buddies. Sometimes the grief is just so hard to bear, especially when it seems the whole world just goes on and on. So, again, thank you for this.

    ReplyDelete
  25. So beautiful. I have often wondered if I *really* am ready to go with the flow of allowing God to direct my life. So far, things have been good and I'm on board. But thinking it and doing it are two different things when real life isn't so rosy. Nicholas is a beautiful saint and will be getting some of my prayers for sure!

    ReplyDelete
  26. Beautiful. God bless you. Little Nicholas, pray for us. †

    ReplyDelete
  27. Wow Dweej! Amazing honest and brave xx + Nicholas pray for us! P.S I have a little brother Nicholas in heaven who I never got to meet - bet they can both pray for us here xx

    ReplyDelete
  28. So right...such an awesome truth...I often notice how often Bonnie brings up Peter - he is really her son and part of her family, and its a terrific witness and reminder. The sweetness and bitterness and acceptance of it all makes it all that more a reminder of the way a believing Christian (woman especially, since we feel things so deeply and hold so much in our hearts?) faces each day: with the cross and all its glory and mercy and beauty and pain and LIGHT - at the center, open to the simplicity or the drama that might await. If the pain or the beauty or the hope is missing, then the whole balance is off. Being a mom, I'm convinced, is an exercise in this. Isn't it awesome that I feel most alive when i have both the pain and the glory in mind? Helps with acceptance and openness for me. At the same time, true loss and grief take time, and I'm convinced sometimes our angels and saintly friends carry us. You are a beautiful and generous person to share your story with us all! Blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  29. I've been wanting to let you know that I've been asking for your sweet Nicholas' intercession for weeks but I've not let you know because I was wondering if that would be a bit weird and stalker like, but I figured "communion of saints" and all that so...

    A sweet girlfriend of mine and mother of two little ones had a rupture of her fluid at 14 weeks. She lost ALL the fluid and the drs. didn't hold out much hope but on Oct. 14th she gave birth to 3 lb baby Samuel, who is miraculously doing great and recently came off his ventilator and is now taking milk thru his feeding tube. My friend has spent many weeks in the hospital on bed rest while they monitored her (I think they put her in around 20 weeks), she never could replenish the fluid and she made it to 30 weeks! She had many of us praying her thru this and I just wanted to let you know that little Nicholas was one of them.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Nicholas' story isn't over - I think about him and you when I learn of a preemie baby, or a child who has lost amniotic fluid. He will not be forgotten!

    ReplyDelete
  31. Love this. Nicholas is a different kind of blessing.
    It's so funny how you say you pictured your outcome, it was like you were describing me...as much as I worry and as many medical issues and other things we have dealt with as a family, I ALWAYS assume things will work out the way IIIIII want them to...and as much as I want to give my life over to the Lord, and often assume I have, when something starts going awry, I want it to come out MY way, or His way, as long as it happens to be the same as MINE. What a load of bullhockey. I have had to learn, as you have, that God's plan is greater than ours, and often looks quite different...and we may never understand why in this lifetime, but we will when we meet those children again...hopefully...as you and I have talked about before, they are such sweet bait, up there in heaven, aren't they?

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...