Maybe you'll know what I'm saying when I tell you this. Like maybe this happened to you before your wedding or when you were pregnant or maybe it's happening to you right now. I see a date..."Oh! Downton Abbey is coming back in January!" and my first thought is "this will be over by then." In the past it would have been "I'll be nursing a newborn while I watch those new episodes." This time it's "I hope I'm nursing a newborn while I watch those episodes." Then: taking it all for granted. Now: praying for the unremarkable.
I went for over 30 hours without any leaking. I started rehearsing my gratitude speech. You know, the one I was going to give when we go to the perinatologist's office on the 25th and he does the ultrasound and he says "Well, not only do you have ample fluid, I see no evidence of any subchorionic hematomas!" He would ask me all about how I did it and write down my flawless advice. I'd be crying of course, but some kind of beautiful movie cry where you can still talk and be poised and lovely so as not to ruin the moment. Then the fluid leaked again after all, and I cried the real kind of cry. The only one I know how to cry.
Would it be a mistake to order a fetal heart doppler off of ebay? Would I sit here and obsessively search for his or her heartbeat? If I did, would that be such a bad thing? If I couldn't find it for a while, would I panic? Would it be worth it anyway?
Mostly I'm not a freaking out basket-case, I swear. Mostly I can compartmentalize and realize things are out of my hands and worry about my already-born children and all the good and crazy things that go along with that. And we have so many loving and lovely friends, always willing to help, to bring a meal, to tell a funny joke or a good story. We are so, so blessed.
Oh, before it gets too long ago, we can do a little 16 week belly compare (a three out of six baby tradition now!)
There's my 16 week Cecilia belly on the left (I was in really good shape when I got pregnant with her) and my 16 week Mary belly on the right:
Now for my wet-haired, no-makeupped 16 week belly with new baby whose gender, therefore name, is as yet unknown:
|I was so not ready for this photo to be taken. I swear I'm not always scowling like this!|
As of today, I'm 17 weeks and 3 days pregnant and my next task is writing a list of questions to ask the specialist next Tuesday. Oy. Hope I don't scare him with the 23 volume tome I'm sure to bring to the appointment...