Monday, July 28, 2014

Confessions of a closet shy girl

I spent the weekend obsessively checking the #edel14 hashtag, trying unsuccessfully to blue-skidoo into my screen.  We also had to say 'no' to a big family reunion up north for many of the same reasons that I had to let that airplane out of Grand Rapids leave without me.  But our annual three day parish festival is successfully on the books (despite the fact that I had to drive behind the procession on Sunday instead of walking [although Tommy tried to make me feel better by assuring me that the humidity level + bug count was severely uncomfortable.  So nice of him] which is usually, like, my favorite activity of the year) and I know I was right where I needed to be.

I haven't blogged since Wednesday. 

This summer has been crazy.

Many times I've editorialized about how I have so many more friends here than I was ever able to make in SoCal, but I'm starting to realize that not all of that was cultural.  Some of that was....me.  I didn't know how to make friends outside of work or school.  Because I had only ever made friends in an organized, forced-proximity setting, it didn't occur to me that I had something to learn about initiating new relationships when the circumstances of my life changed so dramatically (ie: I became a stay at home mom with three kids and didn't know what the aych ee double hockey sticks I was doing).

Wanna know a secret?  I'm naturally pretty shy.  I'm not super good about making real eye contact.  Truly.  I've spent many a day feeling sure I could be great friends with that lady over there if only somehow I could submit a video audition or something  and then have her schedule an interview and I could prepare a speech, maybe with an accompanying powerpoint presentation and THEN!  Oh, then she would know I would make a great friend.  But since I couldn't, I would just eat my donut and sip my coffee and then get in our car and go home.

The last four years have taught me a lot, and by a lot I mean I've decided on one magical phrase and I force myself to use it.  A LOT.  And even though all normal people reading this right now are like "what is this hair-brained woman going on about this time?" I'm going to share it with you because this is my blog and I couldn't think of anything else to talk about.  Are you ready?  Here it is:

[smile] "Hi, I don't think we've met." [stick out hand for the shaking]

My heart races every time I do it.  No, really!  It does!  I feel like I'm about to give a presentation in front of 500 people.  No, scratch that.  I like giving presentations.  Because the crowd is just A CROWD.  Not one person into whose eyes I ought to look.

Wow, I sound like a complete psycho don't I?

Anyway.  Now that I've said it, I'm not gonna erase it because I'm brave!  And foolish!  But just know that if I had gotten to go to Edel, y'all would've had to hear that phrase hundreds of times.  Because I may have learned a lot in the last four years, but in terms of being a pony, I like to perfect just ONE trick.
 Now, enjoy this unrelated photo of Giancarlo (not his real name) smirking next to some zucchini.



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52 comments :

  1. We've recently been attending Mass at a new parish, and I see lots of people I'd like to know (and may actually have already met and forgotten), but I, too, am shy. I'm going to try your trick this week. :-)

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  2. I'm the worst at this... If I have my outgoing sister as a wingman, I can maaaybe make new friends. But mostly I just stick to chafing my crazies around, which makes it harder to meet anyone new anyway! I might start training the older kids to "hit on" other moms so I have an excuse to talk to them. Not hit on in a creepy way, though? Something...

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  3. "My heart races every time I do it. No, really! It does! I feel like I'm about to give a presentation in front of 500 people. No, scratch that. I like giving presentations. Because the crowd is just A CROWD. Not one person into whose eyes I ought to look.

    Wow, I sound like a complete psycho don't I?"

    Not a psycho! Totally understand. I am not good at making friends or introducing myself to strangers or generally feeling comfortable around people I don't know. If I am uncomfortable, I tend to say almost nothing. If I do feel comfortable, it is hard to shut me up. Public speaking? Whatever. No sweat. Weird it might be, but that person making the speech is not me, but someone who looks and sounds like me. I'm still hiding underneath the performance. One on one conversation? Scary! I have to show up for that and then I feel exposed.

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  4. I'm the same way. Also, I briefly carried a picture of you around on the dance floor Saturday night. I don't know what to say about that.

    And he is a smirky smirkerton.

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  5. I totally understand this. I think lots of people do. I have lived in the same small town for 3.5 years and it still feels new to me. I am just starting to forge a couple of meaningful friendships. A lot of that is because my daughter is old enough where I have organized activities with her, and other moms are there. It's hard making friends as an adult. I still struggle because we do not have a very big catholic community here, so I am wishing for a friend who even knows what NFP is, organ talk about faith with me. Love the advice.

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  6. Gah! I'm so glad I'm not the only one who does/feels that way. And that baby is oh, so cute!

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  7. I am JUST LIKE YOU! I've said many many times that I'd rather give a speech to the entire world then walk into a party of 20 people I don't know all by myself. I feel ill just thinking about it.

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  8. Love that you are also a closet shy person with seeming extrovert tendencies who loves public speaking! :) I have both exuberant and socially anxious and timid sides and have sought my whole life to understand them. Now I just try to accept them and push through to a little magic phrase like yours. I like nuance too much so I probably try to adjust my phrases to circumstances a little more. Simple = better I am learning, learning, learning. SIMPLE! :) I would have definitely both loved and been socially anxious at Edel, esp if I came without knowing anyone!

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    1. That's why I always volunteer to do things or ask if there's a job I can help with or a table I can work at. People think it's because I'm helpful but really I'm just looking for a little instant conversational material!

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  9. I'm gonna email you later tonight after my cherubs are all down for the night... because "I don't think we've met." I'm gonna introduce myself! Look for an email! OK... one more thing... in addition to being a master of shyness, I am also a master procrastinator. So it might be tomorrow. But look for it soon! ;)

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  10. Grrr my original comment got deleted! Let me try and remember what I wrote HA

    I'm a shy person too. I'm a WEIRD shy/introverted person though. CROWDS I love. Going to theme parks or other crowded places don't bother me at all. Even giving presentations (like you) doesn't bother me (as long as I'm given enough time to prepare). But talking 1 on 1 with a person OMG FREAK OUT. I really struggle to keep a conversation going with people. What do I say? What if they think I'm weird? What if I say the wrong thing? I don't want to scare people away so I end up not saying much and then I'm back to square 1 with no one to talk to. It's a struggle. But having no in-real-life friends is getting OLD so I need to figure out how to get out of this slump!

    Bonus Points: My Link-Up you posted in was one of the related posts!

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  11. 1. LOVE the picture. What an adorable little smirky face!

    2. I hear you. If I am in some sort of leadership position (so, when I was teaching, when I was a club officer in grad school, etc) I can be all sorts of outgoing and social, but when it's just me trying to make friends and connections? It feels like the hardest, most awkward, least natural thing ever.

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  12. Me! Too! I would rather speak to 1,000s on a stage than make a phone call, even to order pizza... Maybe that's why we are bloggers and not out there at the park socializing. Just this morning my mom befriended a woman who happened to be a new immigrant with a young son and brought her over to have coffee with us. Crazy. There's people I've known for 10 yrs that I would still feel awkward inviting for coffee

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  13. Jenny, Rosie, Beth ann, Rosemary, maybe we should all just be friends with each other!!

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  14. Giancarlo + the zukes = tres cute.

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  15. Aw, man. I just deleted a super long comment. Let me see if I can sum it up.

    I'm kind of like you, I think. I'm really shy around people I don't know, but extroverted around friends and family. All weekend, as I too stalked Edel, I had irrational anxiety. Who would hang out with me? Would I offend anyone? How would I find anyone to have lunch with???? I was so sad not to be there, but also kinda grateful for the family reunion that kept me away, because I didn't have any anxiety at all! :-) So, no. You're not the psycho one.

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    1. I felt the same way, Micaela. I was so bummed not to be there yet a bit relieved because the thought of having to dance or karaoke outside of my kitchen or trying to find a group of bloggers to hang out during the down time was stressing me out. LOL.

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  16. Aw, thanks for writing that! I have a horrible time meeting new people and actually progressing past the point of acquaintance rarely happens for me despite my best wishes! Maybe I'll have to start practicing your little trick. I went to Edel and loved being around so many beautiful and faith-filled women, but there were so many I wish I could've gotten to know better if only I could overcome the fear of being socially awkward and being too eager!

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  17. I'm coming out of hiding on your blog here, to say that I for one am grateful that you weren't able to make it to Edel, because otherwise we wouldn't have been able to talk on Friday evening at the festival! And also that I'm probably more shy than you - could you sense that? :-) I hope we can have you guys over sometime or something.

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    1. Hi Renee! I just saw this post and was scrolling through the comments, and who should I see but YOU!! :) :)

      I was going to tell Dwija that I loved this post, and I can totally relate! When they started talking about that Edel gathering, Dad said, "You should go!" And I was like, "Who would I hang out with? Who would want to talk to me? I'm not one of those cool bloggers! I'm too shy!" I couldn't go anyway, because we were busy. But fear was definitely going to keep me away!

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    2. Aaaaaaah! You're Renee's mom-in-law?!?!? My worlds are colliding....

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  18. You know what, those of us who like to have parties… sometimes do it because it gives us a reason to hide in the kitchen and only pop out to to refill bowls and trays. It just looks like we are social butterflies. Maybe I need to practice your trick too.

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    1. And I am loving all the versions of that big guy's name but I think Giancarlo is my new favorite.

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  19. Thanks for this! Shy extrovert here, weirdo combo, and married to the most truly introverted man ever. I could speak in front of a crowd of thousands and not bat an eye, but sit down at coffee and donuts and say hello, forget.it.forever. We recently moved and I can tell there are so many cool ppl. at our Church we could be great friends with but it kills me to think of introducing myself to them. I keep telling myself it's not fair to our daughter to not make connections, she needs friends, and so do we! Thanks for the encouragement today, much needed!

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  21. that explains why i usuallt don`t make friends easily: i don`t know how to start friendships, unless i`m in a ". Because I had only ever made friends in an organized, forced-proximity setting". Organized, Forced proximity setting. I need to overcome that and stop waiting to enter this or that group of people. Thank you for this wonderful insight. I should medidate on that. :-)

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  22. I am the same way! And I totally thought you were going this weekend, so I looked for you a few times so I could come up to you and mutter my goofy and awkward attempt at an introduction. There was even one woman there who looked a little bit like you and she didn't have a name tag, so I wondered, "Is that Dwija?" but I was too shy to just introduce myself and find out, and then I figured, "No, she doesn't have a little baby with her. . ." I'm totally nuts and absolutely introverted and awkward. I might have to steal your opening line from now on. I think having a standard line would make it easier :)

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  23. Yes! Half of me wishes Edel had a 'speed-dating' portion where one person would be forced to talk me for a set period of time. No awkward introduction or worse trying to end the conversation when it dies!

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  24. I am introverted to the point that I could go days without talking to anyone and be fine with that. Meeting new people? Ha! I don't know if I've ever approached a stranger and introduced myself in my life! I've been struggling to meet young practicing Catholic friends and don't think I'm brave enough to use your standard line...but I hope I can work up some courage to do it!

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  25. I am shy, hate crowds, stink at making small talk, and don't like to speak in front of groups of people. But I enjoy company, want to make new friends, and wish I had been able to got o Edel. I know, I am crazy weird!

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  26. Oooh I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'm great in front of a crowd, can be hostess-y and welcome-y, but being authentic and just getting to know someone? I stink. And the eye contact! I'm bad at that, too. My husband mentioned that maybe someday I should go to a bloggie conference, and I started having heart palpitations. But it would be so much fuuuuuun!

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  27. Oh, my dear, I'm beginning to think this is the norm and the rest of those "I chit chatty with everyone types" are the crazy weird ones!

    By the by, if you want to stop in at my place (virtual, my real place is VA), you'll see a very similar pic of my little bambino. Minus the veggie. I bet they'd be friends, and they'd never psychoanalyze it. (Why do guys make friends so easily??!!?!)

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  28. I think one of your many gifts, Dwija, is the ability to look inward and articulate what's there. This thing that you've so clearly explained here is obviously shared by many, who are grateful that they now have words to express it.

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  29. These comments are Cracking! Me! Up! What a good lift in spirits I take away from this post ;).

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  30. I'm the opposite; I hate giving speeches and love one-on-one conversations. BUT I am also very nervous about meeting new people (knowing I have an "insert foot into mouth" tendency). I hate small talk... can't pull that off. Would rather jump right into meaty topics, and often do, which makes for a very small friend circle. I would love to make more friends, though! Especially now that we are new Catholics... I would love to start hanging out with other like-minded, similar-values people.
    I have a theory about the difficulty adults have making friends these days. First of all, we are taught in our current society to value self over others. Creeps into our way of thinking despite best intentions, as social media, shrinking nuclear families, and other isolating factors (like our country's goal of "pursuit of happiness") make it more and more difficult to truly "mingle". Add to this the much lower level of societal suffering we have these days, and there is just nothing really much to talk about. I think back during the depression, people could start up conversations (and friendships) easier thanks to solidarity, and a real need for each other's company and assistance. Men still carry this way of making friends over into the present better than women; they don't just hang out and chat with someone new, they offer to come over and help with something, or go fishing together, or what-not. I think if we women could learn this (and get past the insecurity of feeling judged when we invite others over to our home, or accepting help, etc.) technique of offering ourselves, we'd make more friends and deeper friendships.
    That said, it is still my favorite past time to head over to La Iguana (Mexican restaurant with the BEST sweet tea and salsa... I order ONE enchilada a-la-carte just so I can fill up on the chips and salsa) with my current read and sit in my usual chair... for an hour alone!!!

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  31. That baby is so cute it's a problem. Where did you guys live in scal?

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  32. I'm totally stealing your line! And in return, I'll share one I read in an article about making conversation, "So what did you do today?"

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  33. It looks like Giancarlo is attempting to run away from that zucchini! :) After reading your blog for so long, it's hard to remember that we actually haven't met. LOL! Maybe one day, I'll make the 2 hour trip west... :)

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  34. I am a nervous chatter, so people always laugh when I say I'm cripplingly shy. I hate having to be somewhere without knowing people! In fact I had a dream I attended Edel and sat in the corner because I was too scared to talk to all these cool ladies I knew from the computer!! But at the same time my current job (assistant to a wedding florist) has forced me to be less shy, I have to be able to talk to people I don't know, about something I do know about (flowers) and that makes it easier! I think next time I find myself in a nervous nelly situation "Hi I don't think we've met" wil come out for a try!! Especially since someday, I would LOVE to meet all these influential ladies whose words I read and take to heart!

    Giancarlo is the cutest smirkerpants!! Love it! And I hope the healing is going well! Prayers for health and light travel soon ;)

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  35. My heart races every time too! Especially because half the time, the response I get is "No, actually, we met last month..." And then I feel awful for not being better at faces/names. I also really need to up my small talk game past asking kids' names and ages. Awkward.

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  36. Basically, if you feel the calling to write more obvious-to-some tips about building friendships in this new stage of life, I for one would be super grateful!

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  37. I'm so awkward. If you ever see me in a crowd, definitely come up to me and tell me your line. Since small talk is torture for me, I will likely say something too serious, personal or specific right off the bat and throw you for a loop. I'm a real ego boost. For free. ;)

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    1. Oh, I like to get straight to the meat. Forget the small talk, man. Let's just dive in the deep end together, shall we? :)

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  38. Me too, Dwija. Except I don't like to talk in front of a group of people. I get the heebie-jeebies. And I hate small talk but I will force myself to say something anyway so as to not have an awkward silence. And then I wonder if I seem silly to the other person. Then I'll shut up. And then there's the awkward silence anyway. Over the years I have forced myself to make better eye contact so that's improved at least.

    I've always been told I'm very friendly but that I don't talk much. I looked you in the eyes, what do ya want? lol. j/k. Sigh.

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  39. Isn't it the craziest- when you explain your shyness thinking that you sounds like a nut, and everyone says "oh my gosh, me too!!!" I swear, no matter how old I get, I still feel like an awkward 7th grader looking for a seat in the cafeteria at lunch time. If only it were as easy as all of us lookng around and realizing that most people are in the same boat!

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  40. If this makes you psycho, scooch over, I've got a ticket for the same crazy train! Homeschooling my children has given this "introverted extrovert" a much better education on making friends than all the years of public and private school!

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  41. A bestie and I came up with this phrase for ourselves: "forced extrovert" - people DO NOT believe that we are introverts because, well, let's just say that when we are together we may not be the most reserved ladies in town. I have come to realize after the kiddos, that I am, in fact, a sufferer of social anxiety and going out about town meeting people with the kids in tow makes my heart race, and not in a hubba hubba kind of way. I prefer to think we are perfectly perfect in our own way. :) And by the by, apparently we were in your neck o' the woods with our Grand Rapids vacay and didn't know it!

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  42. I feel you. This has been especially hard post motherhood, now that I have kids who need friends therefore I must speak with said potential friends mothers. And be brave and stick to my rules in front of her. This must be a way of making me holy

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  43. I've realized too that you basically have to force yourself to talk to people. I used to think that people who introduced themselves were more outgoing but they are probably just as awkward as me, except that they force themselves to say hi!

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  44. Lately I've been forcing myself to start conversations more . . . but the problem is, I still don't know how to get from "casual introductions and small talk" to "friends." I mean, I can walk up to another mom at the playground and have a decent conversation, but then when it's time for her to leave, I don't want to go all psycho stalker and demand the phone number of someone I just met. So I just wave goodbye while telling myself, "I'm sure I'll see her again, I can ask for her phone number some other time." And you know what happens then? I NEVER SEE HER AGAIN. I live in Los Angeles where people drive a lot, so the moms I meet at the playground aren't necessarily locals who go to the same park everyday.

    Sigh. I agree that making friends is so much easier in a job or classroom setting, where you interact with the same small group of people repeatedly.

    Dwija, if you ever decide to write another Life Skills 101 post like this one, please give advice on what to say AFTER you've already said "hi, I don't think we've met." Because I'm still clueless.

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