Monday, June 13, 2011

I Need a Break

Paul: Who lives at our old house?
Katie: Just some grouchy old lady.
Paul: mama, then?

Y'all, I think I need a break.  I just left an insanely long comment on some poor woman's blog that is probably making her wonder if she shouldn't send some kind of crisis intervention specialists over to my house.  I'm sorry if I made you sad, nice lady who I don't know!

Let me just tell you what's going on 'round here lately (even though...DESPITE THE FACT feels like I'm about to complain and I do not like that feeling) and maybe that will sort of feel the same as taking a break.  Hopefully.  Please say it will!

Remember that one time when Tommy got laid-off?  Well since then, he's been working on a brand new concept for his guitars.  I mean completely new.  Talking to engineers (friends who work for free.  Praise Jesus) and machining guys and people at that place where they cut fancy pieces of wood in some special manner.  Hey, I don't know the real words.  I just live here, people! 

We've decided, or rather we've realized, that the only thing to do is to get Tommy and his brand new guitar, the design for which isn't even finished yet, to the Guitar Foundation of America convention.  Which is in Columbus, GA.  At the end of THIS month.  June.  At the end of June, in a state so far away, a man and a guitar that doesn't even exist yet.

We are tired. 

He is tired.

Last night I looked at the clock.  It was 10:47 p.m. and he was still in his workshop, mixing up a new batch of epoxy.  Then something happened with some vacuum seal on something and then the air compressor had to be hooked up.  At 11:13 p.m.  And then we realized it would have to come on intermittently all. night. long. in order for yesterday's work to not be completely ruined.  So it did.  All. night. long.  In a room immediately adjacent to the master bedroom. 

And that's just a tiny snapshot of what we've been managing over the last couple of weeks.  Issues with suppliers, delayed deliveries, essential components not being available.  Plus of course the kids, the chickens, the dogs, the garden.  Me wanting to go running but feeling like a selfish jerk for even suggesting it.  Not being able to because Tommy needs to work.  Me getting annoyed because he can't take a single day off until July 4th.  Feeling guilty every time I interrupt him and then deciding it's not fair that I have to feel guilty for that.  And then feeling guilty for that.


But of course, there are families dealing with real hardship and sadness.  Illness, loss, depression.  And I am being a jerk of a whiny baby for even going on about this.  Because I really am thankful that we have this house in this beautiful place and these healthy children.

I just don't want to lose it.  I want to be able to enjoy it. 

That's just it.  I am looking forward to the day that we can enjoy it together again.  I'm simultaneously excited for this new phase to work out and fearful that it won't.  Afraid that if I don't keep the kids out of the workshop or make sure everything is going smoothly or order the new fliers on time that it won't work out and I'll only have myself to blame.

But mostly I imagine getting on a plane all by myself and flying to the Netherlands where no one knows me and it will be quiet and I will read an actual book and go to the bathroom alone whenever I please.  And bathe daily.

I need a break.

Sorry for being a whiny, selfish jerk.

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  1. Oh, Dweej. I'm so sorry. I wish I had some comfort to give. Sending you some virtual love. And you can complain anytime...we're here for you.

  2. That sounds... hard. Especially the compressor next to the bedroom all night. Everything is especially bad when you're tired I always find. Hang in there, Dwija. I'll say some prayers for you.

  3. How are you being whiny and selfish? Because you realize that you are being stretched beyond belief? Because you have real life and don't live in a fairy princess bubble? How dare you? *thumping you on the head* Yes, you have a wonderful life, and there are bumps in the road. You should share about that. That is what a blog is for. You don't live among unicorns and rainbows, you too live in the real world. Don't apologize for being human. *hugs*

  4. You guys are so sweet and kind...Friends like you are priceless! Thank you :)

  5. That mommy guilt will get you everytime! I hate when people tell me 'don't be so hard on yourself'- Really people, if it were that easy I'd just stop! Anyways, all I can say is that it's ok to want to be selfish. As Mothers, all we do is give and do for everyone and if we don't get a break every once and awhile we won't be good to anyone!

  6. Dont be silly!

    As someone who lives her life completely and utterly on top of a magical mystery mountain of happiness and perkiness all the time, it can be really daunting when you have actual family issues that are *gasp* challenging!

    Sometimes we just need to remind ourselves that God always has a plan for us in life, and we have so much faith in Him, so you just learn to...breathe, and hope it all works itself out.

    Its hard though But, if the kids are happy, healthy and fed. Your husband is happy, motivated and hopeful.

    And you dont have to be the stereotype happy giddy person all the time (I know its hard, I'm working on being able to accept all of my emotions and not just the good ones, LOL), sometimes, not all the time, and maybe not when its unnecessary and Jersey Shore-ish, but sometimes, you deserve to be a little grumpy too.

    Hang in there, we dont always know His plan, but somehow, someway, it always works out and things always end up right where they are supposed to be. <3

  7. @Coren- " 'don't be so hard on yourself'- Really people, if it were that easy I'd just stop!" Totally!

  8. Oh you silly girl, you're not being whiny and selfish at all! Just because others are dealing with worse things (and that's relative) doesn't mean what you're dealing with any less important.

    Especially when one hasn't had much sleep, and still has to keep all those people & creatures alive, and supportive of a husband, and writing a blog and cheering others on..... honey, no wonder you're tired!

    Give yourself a break, will ya?

    Love ya, silly goose. xoxo

  9. I'm not gonna give you the "chin up" speech. You know that my family has had a lot of hardship over the last 13 months. Things still keep happening of which I haven't told you. Some days I feel so sad, frustrated and destroyed. I grieve for the life we had before. Anyway, this weekend we were at a park. There was a husband and wife surrounded by suitcases and trash bags. They had 5 kids. They were homeless. 3 of the kids were playing. 1 of them was sitting on the bench staring at nothing with no life in his eyes. The final child was a baby in a stroller with a horrible cough. I looked at the boy for a moment and smiled. He smiled back at me and his eyes lit up. At that point I almost burst into tears over the sadness in their life. This really put things in perspective for me. My life has been very challenging but this will end and it could be worse! And don't forget my recent status:
    Everything is going to be alright, maybe not today but eventually. Hope is a driving factor in helping us stay on course in life, it may feel as though it comes and goes, but in reality there is always hope, there is always a chance for something else to happen, and you need to have faith that it will.

  10. I'm sorry things are hard right now. And yes- there are always going to be people with bigger troubles. But hardship is relative. This is your life, and this is hard right now. Nothing wrong or selfish in saying that.

  11. Hey St Anthony, On your feastday send some of the grace God's made available to you to Tommy & D today so they can get the guitar done quickly & perfectly. I know you well enough to know this is a done deal. Thx, Amen.

  12. Here is a burnin' hunk of cyber love! I am lighting a candle for you in front of the icon of the Mother of God - she can relate (husband a carpenter, money tight, son talking back to her at a wedding, and then there's that Crucifixion thing...)

    Praying for you in Douglas, AK!

  13. Oh just got me laughing out loud! Thank you for that image of Jesus back-talking.

    And to everyone, I so appreciate your love and support. The Lord really challenges me at times like these to accept the concern of the people who care. Letting down the protective walls of happy is difficult for a person who loves the idea of 'keeping it together'. Sharon, I know you know exactly what I meant there!

    So...thank you all :)

  14. I'd copy Bernie's comment word-for-word, but that sort of thing is frowned upon. Anyways, hugs woman! You're not whiny, you're just a little stressed out right now. And you're telling your friends, because we listen and love you and will try to make you feel better :)

  15. Sweetie, it's NOT complaining to acknowledge the times you feel overwhelmed. It's not whining, either. It's God telling you to lean even more on him. It's also a good time to do my favorite stress-reliever: get into the car all alone, find a semi-deserted road, roll down all the windows, drive as fast as the law permits, and scream every cuss word you know from the top of your lungs. You'll feel better, I promise. ;-)

    Keep on telling us how you feel, we'll keep listening. We have all been there at one time, and since life is an insane roller coaster, we'll all be there again. Then, it'll be YOUR turn to cheer us up!

  16. So many other commenters said it much better than I, but hang in there, I will be talking with my buddy St. Anthony about you today as well! You inspire me in so many ways and you don't sound whiny and selfish at all!!! We love you!

  17. I hate hard times. They're so dang...hard! No, seriously. I say, have a good long cry, throw something, maybe yell some curse words in the woods, apologize to God for the curse words, and then make a list of everything that needs to be done.

    You'll get it all done. You always do.

  18. Everything will be okay in the end. If it's not okay, it's not the end. And truly, it's all a part of some bigger plan that's just not completely unveiled yet! ...that house of yours, that husband that dares to dream, that garden, those chickens, those dogs, and well those gorgeous little life forms who make you crazy & yet keep you sane...all blessings (albeit some in disguise! LOL) You make me feel sane. And real. And not alone. That life isn't perfect but is perfectly un-perfect. And I wouldn't trade that or you for the world! I'm so glad to have been referred to your blog! :)

  19. I'm sorry, Dwij. Though my "sorry" won't get you too far in your current state, will it? I hope that it maybe warms your soul just a bit to know that you have touched the lives of so many people with your joy. You are entitled to feel lost and sad and tired. You are entitled to complain.
    Have I told you our "Hell in the Hallway" story? Maybe I have...I talk a lot. Let's just say that David and I spent 7 years in our hellish hallway a/k/a life-change limbo. It sucked. I was scared. I cried...but I also laughed deeper than I ever had before and I found joy in simple things. We finally found a door that got us the heck out of that nasty hallway and you know what? I look back at those times now and realize how spectacular they were. Of course, when we were stuck there in the hallway and someone told me her Hell in the Hallway story, I wanted to punch her in the face.
    Prayers to Dweeja, because my Catholic upbringing always comes forth to offer prayers to those I care for. (not that I don't pray for everyone, but you get the gist.)

  20. Working on a post about this, dear heart. If you have noticed a bit of a blogging theme on Mamma's needing a break - it's nothing new, it's just where you are right now. You'll cycle out of this.

    Remember to love on Tommy even when you don't feel like it (because you're exhausted and don't feel like there's a hair on you that you can call your own). God gave you each other to get through this together and there WILL be a time when you can recall this time a bit fondly and maybe laugh about it. For now, I'm sending you prayers.

    And I'm admiring those dank shades in the photo (I really did just use the word dank-so that you could laugh at the thought of a sort of uptight middle-aged mother using whacked out druggy terminology when referring to your sunglasses. That's worth something, isn't it?).

    Love, MB

  21. I am so incredibly thankful and LUCKY to have met and know such wonderful people. Today has already gotten so much better thanks to your comments. (also because I took a shower. AND blow dried my hair. I mean, I should do a photo shoot or something!)

    Your prayers and love and support are so uplifting. No hallway goes on forever... :)

  22. You are not a selfish, whiny jerk!! It sounds to me like you're being an awesome and supportive wife so her husband can follow his dreams!! Now, go for a run, darn it! You know, when all the kids are sleeping and stuff.
    Hang in there lady!!

  23. Wait a minute. Are you trying to say that you fix up your house, grow plants, take care of the kids, take care of dogs and chickens, blog, do laundry and HANG IT TO DRY, make your own friggin dog food, etc, etc, etc, stay positive and upbeat when life throws you for a loop, and you get TIRED????? Thank God! It's called being human. It's called real life. Yes, it does suck sometimes but I hope you never ever feel like you have to hide those times from your readers/friends. Because it only makes us love you all the more. :) And, as always, you are in my prayers. Especially for this convention. Because if anyone deserves a break it's ya'll.

  24. Another thing I DO NOT HAVE! Someone, send wine to go with my whine...stat!

  25. Oh my gosh - I am having a similar feel to my life, too. I wrote about it cryptically, but it is out there.

    Prayers up up and away to you dear.

  26. I married my husband in July of 2007. In September his company closed their doors on a Friday (and opened new as a new company on that Tuesday). The contract they had with him was worth nothing, and he got only a small portion of what he would have made had he worked out the next two years.

    The dicey part, his sons owned the company.

    I am a teacher. We had just bought a house big enough for two of us. My husband was in his late 50s.

    I took on tutoring students.

    He looked for work, applied for counseling licensing in IL (he was from IN where he counseled for years before going into business with his sons), he stressed...working to get his license (collecting transcripts and work experience) was a job (unpaid) in itself. The state accepted only three of his graduate classes--and the man had a decade of experience, three masters, and a doctorate.

    He went to school about 16 months ago to become a Realtor. He loves it, but of course the market is not good. It will be again, and since he is an ethical man, he feels getting people into homes they can afford is his ministry.

    What did I do? I stressed. I was often working 13 hour days. Our savings was dwindling. Who would have thought I would be much more financially solvent as a single mom than married to a good and faithful man?

    I still work 13 hour days. I still have very selfish moments. I still find myself exhausted quite often.

    I am not trying to beat your story by raising it with my tale of woe. Mostly because I don't feel woeful. Over the past four years our marriage has strengthened, and we have seen God at work in our lives many times. It's hard to know His will, but it's easy to feel His love.

    Do not beat yourself up. True you don't have cancer, all are healthy, but this is what you're dealing with right now, and it's okay to vent. It's beyond okay, it's necessary.

    Since I talked about my hubby's rotten sons, I cannot sign my name, but it rhymes with Melon or Belly...

    Hugs. (And if there are typos in this I don't give a poop!) ;)

    I am by no means telling you

  27. We all get overwhelmed sometimes. Be gentle with yourself.

    I have days when I long for some nice primal scream therapy but I don't want to frighten the neighbors.

  28. You can come to bloggyland and vent and 'bitch' all you want, we are here for you. I have these days, and I don't even have kids. So I can imagine that you just feel exhausted at times. I am hoping that all of you get a small break, even the kiddos, and you are back to your normal and happy go lucky self :) Want to come for a visit down in Texas?! lol, ewww, with all the heat here right now, ya'll might be happy as could be to return home and just hang out. Nothing like steaming hot weather to do that to you :) But really, I only hope the week gets better from here on out.

  29. FYI—“Pay it Forward” is posted. I hope you’ll be able to participate. I’m hoping to build “Pay It Forward” up to be a meaningful event, but I need your help to do it. If you can find the time to join in, it would really help to grow the effort!

    Time and time again, I’ve wanted the blogging world to meet someone I’ve met, or read something I’ve read. That’s what this blog meme is all about, “Pay It Forward.” Instead of keeping all these great finds and great friends to myself, or you keeping your great finds and great friends to yourself, we spread the LUV. Sharing the Good News, great tips, wonderful prayers, fabulous photos, scrumptious recipes, hilarious humor, unbelievable books, stories of goodwill, or whatever good knocks your socks off … with one another. I’d love to have you join in the fun, “Pay It Forward,” to those you admire and appreciate, and I hope we’ll get to know each other along the way.

  30. sweetie, you write so well. i really love it. i gave you an award today, if you will accept it....on my blog today.


  31. You are not a whiny, selfish, jerk! You are a real person - special in the eyes and hearts of many - and you are feeling overwhelmed, worried, and very weary. It's Ok. Life does get hard and when it does, we can't keep everything bottled up. I'm praying for you and your situation. I know it's hard, but try not to worry too much about things. God's got you, your hubby, your children, and the financial side of things all under control...right in the palm of His beautiful and powerful hand.

    Many blessings my friend,

  32. Oh...and remember, it's times like these where God does His greatest work on us...refining us and molding us into something so much more beautiful than we ever were before. He's preparing you for greater things to come... :)


  33. You're not being whiny or selfish or a jerk! You're just exhausted and frustrated which I think are perfectly acceptible emotions given that it sounds like a lot of things are going on that seem out of your control. I wish your hubby the best of luck and hope you'll get a break soon!

  34. Some how being the mom we are supposed to be able to take it all in and smile, and never need anything for ourselves. Without a moment or the space to take care of ourselves we will loose it, we will not make it.

    I hope that you can find a moment to yourself, a shower, a potty break or weeding the garden. Your family is working on a dream, try to hold on for a few more weeks.



  35. Oh, Dweej!!!!! You were going through this and I didn't even know. I was being a horrible, lousy friend and selfishly worrying about something that's happening to me, and you were going through this, and you were and still are being so strong and amazing as always. I'm so sorry I'm a lousy friend and haven't read this or commented on this or flown to Michigan and treated you to free babysitting and lots and lots of wine.

    And now for some pep-talking. I know you...or at least I like to pretend I do, and I know that you are an incredibly strong, positive, uplifting woman who can make hundreds of strangers smile and laugh and cry on a daily basis just by writing down her thoughts and sharing herself through her words. I know, too, that even incredibly strong, positive, and uplifting women have their moments and are ENTITLED to their moments of sadness and fear and stress. You have a lot going on. A LOT. But you face it with such grace and calm. You still spread your joy when a lot of people would be doing NOTHING but wallowing in it and worrying. (and a lot of people includes me). You still manage to smile and laugh and support your friends. And that's how I know you're going to get through this. Because you have an amazing family and you are an amazing person, and you guys will get everything done that needs to be done, and you will succeed.

    I believe it.

  36. Can I just second everything everybody has said that has to do with
    a) Us (your readers & friends) loving that we can hear from the REAL you
    b) God loving you and holding you in His loving, capable Hands,
    c) And anything else supportive and/or encouraging?
    Cool, thanks. Love and endless blessings!

  37. I'm late to the game here, but I can relate, sister!

  38. DWEEJA! agh, for some reason you disappeared from my google reader and i have just caught up on all of your posts i have missed. dang you, google reader! hopefully i have remedied that problem.
    i love you to pieces. you are doing a great job. keep your head above water (and i'll try to do the same)!


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