Thursday, June 09, 2011

The Kidnapping of a Pig

Back when I was in college (not to mention high school. Seriously, don't mention it. Kinda makes me break into hives.) I was not nearly as awesome as I am now. And it's not like I can say "but at least I was fashionable and thin" because I wasn't those either. No, I was (even more) obnoxious and not at all actually self-confident.

Side note: interesting the inverse relationship there, no? The false show of self-confidence to mask the lack thereof? And can you tell I was a psychology major?  After I stopped being a drama major?

But do you know what I did have? A car. A real, (barely) functioning motorized vehicle!

And that is how it came to be that I was involved in the kidnapping of a pig.

See, when you are a freshman in college and you show up with your very own car, tons of people will be your friend even if you are pretty annoying and don't really know what you stand for yet.  Apparently it also helps to have a nose ring.  FYI.

Oh dear, sweet 1985 Nissan Sentra, how I treasured thee.  The day I purchased you with $850 cash that I had saved up from selling t-shirts at the base of the Washington Monument the summer after high school graduation was one of the happiest days of my life.  What with your manual transmission and mostly functioning radio, you were the cream of the sub $1K crop.  I didn't even mind that you had neither heat nor air conditioning.  In Texas.  In the summer.  You were my ticket to doing whatever the heck I pleased, and I am, as you may recall, a huge fan of doing whatever the heck I please.
like this, only it was red. sweet, right? (image source)

So I took my $850 car with me to college and one evening, the inevitable happened.  I was approached by some young lads (Hello young lads reading this!), who were probably as irritated with me as I was but who knew a good thing when they saw it (i.e. a working 1985 Nissan Sentra), and was invited to participate in a grand prank that was sure to go down in history.  How could I say no?  I mean, I was going to be so COOL!

Just picture it- in the passenger seat, a boy, probably 19 years old.  Three, maybe even four, boys, also 19, in the back. And me, still just 17, in the driver's seat.  If you are imagining that I felt awesome, you are almost right.  Almost. Because actually I felt SUPER DUPER TOTALLY AWESOME!!!!  Seven exclamation point awesome!!!  See what a dork I was?

The plan, you see, was to cruise out to the family farm of one of those smart boys, steal  procure a pot bellied pig, cover it in shaving cream to make it slippery and uncatchable (can you tell we all watched Home Alone a few too many times as children?), release it in the neighboring all-girls dorm, and pull the fire alarm.  In our minds much mayhem would ensue, the pig would be careeeeeeeeening down the halls, no one would be able to catch it due to the fact that it was coated in thick, slippery layers of shaving cream, and we would basically pop into a movie about awesome college kids and their incredible pranks and pretty much we'd be famous.

I mean, right?  That makes sense, doesn't it?

The retrieving of the pig went off without incident.  Apparently his parents are reasonable folk and were asleep, and seeing as it was his house, he kinda knew where everything was.  Unfortunately, on the way back, I might have been a little overly excited about our pending fame and fortune. And I may, in general, have had the tendency to press a little too hard on my friend Mr. Gas Pedal.  And despite warnings that "there are always cops on this road, Dwija!  Slow down!" from my passengers, I may have gotten pulled over.  In a car full of college boys holding a stolen procured pot bellied pig.  Without my driver's license.

Have I ever mentioned how I am the luckiest person on earth?  How God really must feel sorry for me because I am always doing such foolish things, so stuff that shouldn't work out, based on the laws of physics and the great state of Texas, usually does?  This was definitely one of those moments.  I mean, I had a nose ring and no driver's license and was speeding down the road in the middle of the night with a pig in my car and I didn't even get a single ticket.  Oh lordylordylordy, I truly am a lucky girl.

Once we arrived back at our (unsuspecting) dorm, there was the small matter of transferring our prize from the vehicle to our pool table so we could prep him for the greatest moment of his life.  No worries!  This windshield sun shade will surely obscure him from view!

So we wrapped him and then we greased him and then two lucky volunteers covered their heads with pantyhose to conceal their true identities (as all good pranksters must do).  The door was opened.  The pig was foisted.  The alarm was pulled!

Now the boys are running back across the grass, faces still obscured by panty hose.  We scatter.  I scamper to hide (because I don't like conflict or trouble.  I just want so badly to be cool...) but all along that side of the dorm, laughing eyes peek over window sills.  Girls spill out of doors onto grass and sidewalk.  High fives all around.

Then Campus Safety arrives and, much to our dismay, is in fact able to grasp our pranklet without much trouble.  Sigh...I guess the fun is over.

But wait!  The school newspaper!  The campus safety report!

We rush to snatch our copies, hot off the presses, fingers crossed we made it in.  That our attempts at National Lampoonery were not in vain.  That we could cut out a little rectangle and save it for 13.5 years and perhaps one day share it with another friend or two and have a little laugh...

post signature


  1. are a rebel!!! I love that you have a picture of the newspaper clipping!!

  2. 1) First real car as a married couple was a 1987 Nissa Sentra Hatchback.Bought it brand new (like idiots) with no air conditioning, cuz my spouse does not believe in air conditioning except when he is in his air conditioned office. it was the exact blue color that you pictured above.

    2)I have a similar college story involving a jeep, a roman collar, and a motorcycle -but no pig (so maybe, not so similar).

    3)I am old. You bought the Sentra USED at 17.
    I won't go on. . .

  3. That WAS A PET!

    (takes judging hat off)

    I posted several flyers around my campus advertising my friend Amber's skills as a cater to sorority girls' needs for party nails. Put the real phone number and everything. Amber was a guy. His parents were hippies.

    Sold my friend's car same way. Dude didn't even know he was selling it until he got phone calls about it. Old Betsy was a classic.

  4. It was not a pet! It was a pig from a farm! We got it from the barn!

    But it was still wrong. I agree :)

    Your pranks are way better. Especially because you actually thought of them!

  5. this makes me miss college... I want a redo so I can try being cool this time around too!

  6. Awesome pig story. I wonder if they ever put 'missing pig' at the farm and 'surprise pig' at the dorm together?

    Was he reunited with his piggy family, or eventually turned into bacon? Or both?

    And I have to say, I don't think anyone of us ever stop being drama majors, even after we leave college...

  7. That's so funny, Steph! I often want a redo so I can try actually learning something!

  8. Hilarious and love that you clipped and saved the news clipping. I always find those police reports absolutely entertaining. Glad you didn't do anything more serious than this, although today if you tried this stunt, you would be calling your lawyer from jail.

  9. This is the best story. I totally would have been friends with the college version of you. We would've tried to be cool together.

    hahahah..still chuckling about the pig.

  10. I would have had 17 panic attacks on the way to that farm and 38 on the way home. Upon being pulled over I would have been hospitalized.
    You might say I'm a worrier : )
    Anyway, loved the story. Made me laugh.

  11. If you were a freshman in '97 then we just missed each other. I graduated in '96. Drama major, minion of the Kellys...the whole shebang! There were no greased pigs in Jerome my freshman year, but plenty of other weird stuff! I have to ask... did Super Dave rescue Porky because he seems like he would be the most qualified?

  12. I love how this post is making it around so fast, Charlotte! So fun. I can't say for certain if it was Super Dave (I was hiding, if you'll recall ;) ) but I like to imagine it was. Adds to the nostalgia a bit, doesn't it? ;)

  13. Hysterical. I wanna know what you told the officer who pulled you over! And did the pig get back home??

  14. Inquiring minds! I like it!

    I do not think the pig ever made it home. We are thinking, perhaps...bacon? Sad, I know.

    As for the police, that is a whole new paragraph (it seemed to be getting so long so I cut that part. Perhaps I should add it back in! ;) ). He said "what are you doing out here" and I said "um, getting a pig?" and then he looked at me real scowly-like and I realized he thought I meant PIG as in a police officer and so then I said "NO! A real pig! Look. Just look in the back!!!" at which point someone shoved the pig toward the window. So then he laughed, and I only had my student i.d. but maybe he could tell I was sober (thank GOD!) and decided to let us go.


    That was practically the happiest moment of my life! (don't tell my kids or husband. or parents. or siblings.)

  15. How on earth did you talk that cop into letting you go?

  16. i knew you in high school, friend. and i thought you were charming ;)

  17. You are absolutely too sweet, Cort! A charming girl with lots of issues and no Jesus. Not a good combination!

    But I'm like a fine wine. Imagine how great I'll be when I'm 50! ;)

  18. Haaaaaaaaaaahahahaha I can't stop laughing.

    I clearly had a horrible, no-fun time in college. I never got pulled over by the cops and then had to woo them with my charm. I did not ever try to steal a pig. I became angry when kis accidentally set off fire alarms (damn burnt microwave popcorn).

    I'm so glad you had such a glorious time! It makes for a great story (and my favorite part was in the comments, about the interaction with the cop). Fantastic!

  19. I had no idea that you were part of that. Funny this is, I had no idea the fire alarm was tripped and i'm pretty sure we found the pig before the alarm was pulled. We were living in the Quad at the time and Nikki had gone down to the 1st floor to heat up a hot pocket in the communal microwave and when she came back up, she was like, "Um, guys, there's a pig just hanging out in the hallway downstairs." HYSTERICAL! such a fun memory! and to find out so many years later you were a part of it. LOVE LOVE LOVE it!

  20. Was it really that long ago? I wonder what the statute of limitations is on pig napping? Careful Dwija, you might just give some young, bright eyed Texas-like prosecutor something to do!!
    BTW - Love your blog and my kids love the Donkey Guy!
    Matt in Birmingham, MI

  21. She lies folks . . . She was totally awesome in college. Really. I was in awe of her awesomeness! She was also totally thin and fashionable.

    The pig part is true though. And the best prank ever. It was quite the buzz at the time and goes down in infamy. "Remember that time someone set a pig loose in one of the dorms covered in shaving cream? Didn't Dwija have something to do with that?" :)

  22. I was there for the adventure. Details I recall:
    1.) The pig was not a pet.
    2.) The pig had been volunteered by the family in question.
    3.) The pig was the sweetest thing in all the world.
    4.) Some scoundrel had pulled the fire alarm: It was not a part of the plan!
    5.) When pulled over - popular accounts had it - and questioned as to why she was in the small town, Dwija said, "To pick up a pig!" The officer responded, "Are you sassing me?!" and one of the frightened 19 year olds in the back held up the pig as proof. The officer laughed and let them on their way.
    6.) As I recall people liked Dwija because she was kind, bright, funny, and had decent taste in movies. Cars and nose rings notwithstanding.

  23. I should note, as one of the other drivers, I got a ticket.

    Apparently bearded 19 year old dudes without pigs are not as charming.

  24. I didn't know you were involved in that, Dwija! That is hilarious. I'm going to make this a bedtime story for the boys. They are going to LOVE it.

  25. Mr. Monkey- are you saying that you were issued a citation during that drive EVEN THOUGH YOU WERE NOT IN THE DRIVER'S SEAT???? How could I block such an incredible thing from my memory? That adds a whole new twist to the pulled-over portion of the tale! A hilarious, wonderful twist :)

    And you are so sweet. Thank you :)

  26. Racheal- you are too nice! I did get awesomer after Tommy, that's true. Mostly it was after Jesus during junior year that I got truly fantastic. We can give Him most of the credit! Freshman year? The beginning of sophomore year? Not so much.

    But I'm glad that memory fails so many people and I am recalled with a fondness I do not deserve. See what I mean about being so lucky? 'Cause I'm so lucky!

  27. That's fabulous. I lived in Jerome! I may know someone who caught a duck down by Rochelle and "hoisted" him into the Campus Safety Office.

  28. Ha! ML's comment had me cracking up. I would've been the same way. I'm a worrier of the worst kind AND a nerd, so just imagine my high school and college years. You break into hives when thinking of high school; I just block it all out. Like I never went to high school, never wore thick glasses, never had a bad perm, never had a mouth full of braces and a head full of show tunes and books. PAINFULLY geeky.

    Loved reading this, Dwija. Totally wished I was your friend in college. I could've been your shy, quiet friend who you took along on all your awesome adventures.

  29. We remember this... and we remember the same (or a similarly attired) potbellied pig making its way through Gregory (perhaps before?). Was that the same or a different incident? Ha ha. Good times, good times....

    Matt & Emily =)

  30. Just to set the record straight, I opened the door for the guys to let the pig into Jerome Hall and was most definitely NOT wearing pantyhose. Though the guys most definitely were. That is one of my favorite memories from freshman year. That and the procurement of the Camel sign. Something about that car just screamed for mischievous behavior.

  31. @Matt- pretty sure it was the same pig! He was in Gregory first for being slathered prior to being taken to his ultimate destination :)

    TERESA! The Camel sign! I had forgotten about that procurement episode. Now that was hilarious. Maybe even more hilarious because driving with a door open is ALWAYS super fun :D

  32. Awww...poor pig.

    *stifles a chuckle and fails. Miserably.* ;-)

  33. I did so many ridiculous things in my (younger) college years, I can't even begin to recount them all. It just dawned on me - that's likely why I am still trying to finish college at 31. LMAO!

    Oh... the joys of alcohol and experimentation with illicit substances...(nothing too illicit - just pot. But I totally didn't inhale ;)

  34. Could I love you more? Seriously??

    I love that clipping!!! Awesome.

    And er, poor pig.

  35. Dweej you crack me up!!! Mitzi: I was fading fast when I read this, settling down to take a quick nap before work (graveyard shift) and then laughed myself to sleep! It makes a GREAT bedtime story. ;D And Dwija do tell about the Camel sign procurement. Ahhh, college days...

  36. You were a cool kid! Did you end up dating any of the cool lads? Inquiring minds want to know.
    You little rebel you. Who knew?

  37. I love the inquiring minds! As far as I can remember of who was in the car, dating of the young lads. But many people involved in that incident are my facebook friends and blog readers, so this story has been a lot of fun for all of us! :)


Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...