Sunday, February 27, 2011

If You Give Your Spouse a House

If you give your spouse a house,
she'll want a front door with no holes in it.
So you'll tear out the old door and put in a new one.
When she sees how nice the new door looks, she'll want a new storm door, too.
Then she'll want a kitchen with no snakes in it.

You'll have to go to the home improvement store to buy a new kitchen.
She'll want to go with you.
When she gets to the store, she'll notice that they have lots of pretty paint and all sorts of neat floor tiles.

She'll ask you to take the baby so she can compare paint shades.
She'll start comparing.
The paint will remind her of the pedicures she used to get, back in that previous life.
So she'll start crying in the middle of the home improvement store because obviously she will never get another pedicure again.

When she's done, she'll drag you over to the appliances.
She'll need a new stove and a dishwasher. And a king-size Twix.
Then she'll ask you to help measure each of the appliances and write down the prices.
While you're doing that, she'll ask you where the kids are that she asked you to watch back when she was crying in the paint section.
You'll race around the store in a panic until you realize that they're still right next to you.

When she sees the children, she'll remember that they have to go back-to-school shopping.
She'll suggest that you stop at Target on your way home.
Going to yet another store will make all the kids so cranky that they start crying too.
So she'll try and bribe them with candy.
Then they'll demand more candy.

She'll probably decide that the whole trip was a huge waste and say it's time to go home.
When you get there, she'll see the brand new storm door and the new front door that goes with it.
Seeing the door will remind her that her kitchen is still full of snakes.
And chances are...
if she thinks about that kitchen,
she'll want to go and buy a new one.

(thanks to Laura Joffe Numeroff for the inspiration)


  1. LOL, I love it!! SO True!

  2. Yes, ...been there!
    Nice to see I am not alone!!

  3. I miss pedicures, too! And I try to bribe the kids with candy! It never works. Sigh.

  4. are seriously funny in a twisted way! I love the title of this post! Keep it up cause you make my day! xoxoxo Diana (BettyShmetty)

  5. i love that, the chaos in the words is oh so familiar...i love... She'll need a new stove and a dishwasher. And a king-size Twix...your mind sounds as random as mine! love love love it! xxx

  6. hehehe What an awesome idea! Love those Give a blank a blank books. And I too have weeped when I realized there would be no more pedicures. Or yoga classes. Or Caribou Mint Condition coffees. Oh the joys of moving to the sticks!

  7. What a great adaptation of this book! I might have to try it!

  8. Wow...great ob. These books are a family favorite. Very impressed with your adaptation.


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