Friday, August 19, 2011

7 Quick Takes Friday: The one with the embarrassing video

This has nothing to do with anything.  It just made me laugh.
Okay, I don't really know much about sports but I'm pretty sure that there are more than 4 people on a basketball team.  Am I right?  'Cause the ludicrous foolish unsmart female employee at the store courtesy-laughed in my general direction as I stood near my surprisingly-well-behaved quartet of children on Thursday and said (through mostly clenched teeth) "Wow. You have enough to have your own basketball team!".  Not only do I only have four kids, but two of them are not even large enough to dribble a regulation sized basketball yet.  That team would certainly lose and I do. not. like. to. lose.  No losing!  Only winning!


What goes through people's minds when they spout ridiculous things like that?  Does it add something to their existence?  Does it make the world a better place?  Does it accomplish anything whatsoever?  No, no, and yes.  What it accomplishes is me writing this and saying to anyone who will listen: please, for the love of all that is holy, do not just say out loud every fool thing that comes into your head. Otherwise someone might rant about your blankety blankness on the interwebs, and we all know how scary and ungood THAT is!

Please be proud of me that not only did I not say something uncharitable to that woman, but I also succeeded in resisting the urge to buy the snazzy vintage rocking chair that I saw at The Salvation Army.  I mean, the seat and back were upholstered with turquoise brocade, for the love of Pete.  The armrests were carved in a fancy-licious manner.  I am planning to dream about that chair tonight, as a matter of fact, but I did NOT purchase it.  Which is pretty much miracle #1 that y'all can report to the Vatican once I kick the bucket.

Oh, you mean the miracle has to be because of my intercession?  Well dang.  I don't think I have any of those yet.  BUT, I did once make a miracle submission form as a joke when I was working at a church office several years ago.  Because this parishioner came in and literally told me she was there to report a miracle so that Blessed Father Clo-Pot-o'-whiskey could be expedited to sainthood.  "I was not trained for this!" is what I thought.  "Okay!" is what I said.  And then I used my trusty friend Excel to make the form and I giggled the entire time I did it.  Can you tell it's one of my most precious memories, that lady and her miracle reporting?

Dang, these quick takes are getting long again.  7 Long Takes Friday is going to be its new name if I don't quit it.  Anyway, because I am an old, old lady who is aged and old and probably crusty, our ten year college reunion is this year.  UGH!  I wanna go so badly!  Watch this silly video to see why.  I mean seriously....a renewal of vows for couples who met at UD?  Followed by brunch?  The sweetness of that idea is practically giving me a toothache.  Have I said ugh yet?  Okay... BLERGH! then.

Hey, in the spirit of this ridiculous stream of consciousness post, let me hop over to the subject of poultry and announce that our 20 week old chickens finally started laying eggs this week.  Whut whut!  four eggs on day 1, one egg on day 2, zero eggs on day 3, and two eggs on day 4.  I know none of you actually paid attention to all those numbers I just said, did you?  I could have said "eighty eggs on day eleventy thirteen" and you wouldn't have even noticed.  You know it's true!  Don't lie!

When I started writing this post yesterday (well, today really.  But when you read this it will be yesterday.  Because yes, I can travel through time.), I wasn't sure what my 7 takes would be.  You know, because I so often have trouble coming up with something to say.  So I polled my peeps in social media land and thought I'd get seven nice questions to answer and those could be my quick takes.  Pretty genius, right?  Wrong.  Because my friends and family are ridonkculous (like ridiculous, but with extra donk).

"Why do farts stink?"
"What color is water?"
"What color underwear am I wearing on Friday?"
"What is the circumference of the sun?"
"Why is grass green and the sky blue?"
"What would happen if the sky is green and the grass is blue?"
"Is it true that snowflake are never identical? That they are one of a two are alike?"
"Am I or am I not holding in a fart right now?"
"What happened to the donkey guy?????"

The only real question was from my friend Mary Kate who asked me to share my earliest happy childhood memory , which I would happily answer if only this post had not already gotten WAY OUT OF HAND and it's already almost 2013, I'm sure of it.

And in conclusion (that is how real writers end their pieces, right?  Pretty sure I read that somewhere.), so that you might begin your weekend with glee and squeals, please observe this video of the incredible new game I invented with my soon-to-be four year old son, a little game I like to call "Reappearing Statue", filmed by the child in question.  Yes, soon I will be rich.  I can feel it in my aged old crusty lady bones!

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  1. You are hilarious! I love your takes (but yes, I totally skimmed over the number of eggs). My only complaint is that I giggle so much I wake the sleeping baby in my arms. Oh, well. Thanks anyway! ;-)

  2. :)

    (The game is awesome and might just have to be played here today!!)

  3. That video is making this crusty old lady's head dizzy.

    Back to take one, now that I'm not quite so dizzy. Why do people sometimes say the things they say? I am like you. I might just post such conversations on my blog.

    As always, you have made me laugh. Thanks for sharing all of those takes and I don't mind one bit if they were long.

  4. I actually read the number of eggs and counted up the total along the way. Fo' real. What does that say about me? Do I need some chickens?

  5. I love #1! I actually proudly announced my 5th pregnancy by challenging all of my siblings to a basketball game in 6 years. They all said something like, "Huh?!" and I said something to the effect, "I'll have 5 know, a basketball team? Which means I would win since I'd have the most players on one team?" Yeah...they kind of looked at me weird. so I said..."ohhh, never mind! You guys are no fun!!"

    I have no idea what gets into people's heads when they comment on how many children another family has. Having children is such a personal and spiritual thing...

  6. I challenge you to limit your seven quick takes to fourteen sentences next week. ;)

    AND... I counted up the eggs. Glad those chickens are starting to earn their keep! hehehe

    Oh, and you may not have a basketball team, but you could have a tennis match. KIDDING!

  7. PS... my toddler loved Paul's video :)

  8. You KNOW I counted the eggs! I count the eggs MY hens lay every day, and you know what? I took the Purina 60-day challenge (where you switch your livestock's regular feed for Purina for 2 months while Purina emails you coupons) and PURINA MAKES MORE EGGS! It's true. Sorry for the commercial, but I have to say it like it is.

  9. If only I wasn't already feeding Purina! Dang it. Wait, do you feed Flock Raiser or Layena? Maybe if we switched to Layena, especially once winter rolls around.

    We've gotten 3 already today! You can add that to your total :)

  10. Oh, Dweej, you make me laugh!

  11. In regards to number 1, people need to shut up about things that are none of their flippin' business. I'm getting all hyper-protective and wanting to kick some butt...

    You have seven eggs...right? Did I count right, because I suck at counting. By the way, did we ever determine if that rooster was actually a rooster or not?

    Oh, and kudos on that rockin' game! I'm gonna play it with my nephew soon. I'll be sure to credit you :)

  12. HAHAHA.....I remember the Miracle reporting form. Hilarious!!!!! As for the video.....don't worry....some day you will talk to and be with adult people again....hope it comes soon for you!

  13. I love the Reappearing Statue game, that's awesome! You're awesome.

    People shooting their mouth off about stuff - boo to them! But yay for the chickens and their inconsistent laying, but look at them eggs!

  14. Were you completely out of breath after the reappearing statue game? That looked exhausting.

    Also, totally jealous that I just bought eggs at the grocery store and you have freaking chickens out in your yard just a poppin' them out.

  15. Thanks for the post!! I always pay attention to each word you write!! I was thinking you were going for a riddle and were going to test us! LOL Loved the Reappearing Statue game with the young 'un. CUTE! CHEERS! Hey, it's Friday, Let's have a Corona!

  16. Well, at least she didn't ask when your next one was due!

    I had an unfortunate person comment on how my kids were all grown up, and then he said, "And you have another one on the way!" I replied that I didn't and his poor wife dragged him away, mouthing "I'm sorry!" back at me.

  17. Oh no he did NOT, Paula!!!!!!

    Once again, let me emplore all ye readers....say less than what you think. It will serve you well!

  18. Oh man, I thought I was the only one that worried about my Quick Takes being "quick only if you are a super speedy reader" takes. And I usually have to ask my husband for help coming up with 7 quick takes, but his ideas are about as good as the ones you listed...typical man stuff!

    I don't know anything about chickens, but what is a normal number of eggs laid per day? And how many chickens do you have? (See, I did pay attention to numbers.) And are the first eggs good? For some reason, I would think that the first eggs might be weird, but I'm just a city girl and have no idea.

  19. You are a heroically brave woman to let your almost three year old touch the camera. My almost three year old would immediately run down to the fire pit and set it on fire if I gave him access.
    I think my kids are tired of seeing that camera.

  20. To be fair to my awesomeness level, he will actually be 4 next week.

    BUT, my husband uses a much less complementary term than "heroically brave" when discussing my tendency to let him use the camera ;)

  21. I have a similar game I play with my cat. That's not weird, right?

  22. I like that the 3 year old got bored around 42 seconds, but kept it up for another 30 seconds or so!

  23. Love the video! Your son's laugh is too adorable! Makes me excited to finish Peace Corps and have a family...!

  24. You always make me laugh! You've got some serious donk! OK, that came out SO bad...

    Who knows what gets into people? Good grief, you're not Kate plus 8. Four children isn't a freak show by any means, and really people should MYOB and keep their observations to themselves.

    Kind of like when an obese co-worker informed me I was "starting to waddle" when I was 7 months pregnant with Sasha. Some seriously uncharitable responses came to mind (I kept my mouth shut with some effort).

  25. Remember Colette's sage advice to the little blabbermouth in her second-grade class? "Next time, it might help to keep your thoughts in your head."

  26. OMGosh Dweej I laughed so hard at Paul's adorable video!!! You guys are awesome, awesome, awesome. And I was so stoked to recognize two things: (1) My house also has the round-about-type thingy that you can use just for this very game - SCORE! ... and (2) My son is not the only little man with the world's most adorable courtesy laugh that progressively fades out in conjunction with the waning energy of any sort of repetitious game.

    Hmm. Number 2 was a mouthful, but hopefully you can see past my run-on sentence and just FEEL the meaning. It's so precious!!!

    p.s. Loved the whole post, always do, and the ONLY way ANYone would EVER want you to write shorter takes? Would be if you were NOT Dweej, the world's favorite webwriter. So there. :) Love ya girly - and tell that little charmer his video ROCKED!


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