Thursday, January 19, 2012

What I'm Afraid of

When I was growing up, I was taught that good things happened to you if you did good things and that bad things happened to you if you did bad things.  Full stop.  We subscribed to a strict karma philosophy.  So strict that we often had to identify suffering as punishment for things done in previous lives.  Because could a child really do so much wrong in this life as to "deserve" cancer?  My frustration with this part of the philosophy played a huge role in my eventual conversion to the Catholicism.  But that's not what I'm thinking about today.

What I'm thinking about today is my relatively new-found perspective on "bad things."  That suffering, hardship, and frustration are sometimes a gift cleverly disguised because they can so often help us to identify and overcome our weaknesses.  They bring us closer to God because in our times of need we can recognize our smallness.  Our inability to do it alone.

But sometimes it seems that as soon as we overcome one hurdle, as soon as we get good at not worrying about XYZ and not caring about ABC, as soon as not finding a good parking spot stops stressing us out, we graduate.  Things that used to bring us closer to God don't anymore because, you know, we just don't care about silly stuff like that.  So we get bigger challenges handed to us so we can keep improving.  Keep getting better.  Keep getting closer to God so that we are already living in His eternity on the day we're called.

And that has started to scare me.  What if I get too good at managing the current stresses and tribulations of our life?  What if I start coasting through our present state of parenting and homeschooling and fixer-upper-ing with a joyful heart and a peaceful spirit?  What then?  Is something even crazier going to happen?  Is some kind of tragedy going to befall us?  Is God going to need a new way to call me?  It almost makes me scared to become the kind of person who could handle more than this.  Because I don't want to handle more than this.

That must sound terribly selfish and small-minded, but it's the truth.  I'm scared to graduate.     

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38 comments :

  1. Yes. I know what you mean. But be scared of not graduating because that could really mean Hell and not just the little hells we imagine.

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  2. I feel like this very often as I sit and think about all the hardships my friends are going through and I am not...is something big lurking around the corner for me? I think about it alot. Too much.

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  3. Could the fear be a lesson in and of itself?

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  4. Yes. I get this. But do you know what I think is more productive than focusing on all the potential what-ifs? Just starting from where we stand today. Moving forward. Because think about all those "huge" problems you used to have. They don't seem so huge anymore, do they? You were given the ability to cope...to bear those burdens.
    Now that's not to say that I don't get caught up in what if thinking myself. I'm the Empress of Anxiety.
    xoxo

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  5. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Matthew 6:34

    Just deal with things one minute at a time. God is there with you in everything! Don't be afraid to graduate!

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  6. Dwija,
    Great sanctity come only through heroic virtue. Heroic virtue comes only through total self-abandonment to the will of God. Live in Hope and pray always, "Jesus, I trust in you." No matter what God hands you, it will be okay.
    ~Robin

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  7. Here's the awful truth: Before God ever allows us to go through the trials, temptations and persecutions, He's already given us the grace to handle them.

    The difference between us slogging our way through this veil of tears and the saints in Heaven is that they finally got it, while we're still beating our heads against walls.

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  8. You've just wrote so eloquently what I think about probably too often. Thank you for sharing this Dweej. And we CAN handle it. We all can. We just have to believe we can. xo

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  9. I've probably posted this before but, a favorite story is about the woman who complained to God about the cross she had to bear in life. God asked her to stand next to him while all the crosses of the world passed in front of them and told her to choose a new one. She watched and waited, finally choosing the smallest cross in the line. God turned and told her.."that was the one you had all along"

    So, dear Dweej, I'm totally with you in your line of thought. When things run smoothly in my life, I wait for some shoe to drop...right on my head. Whatever, whenever...I will be ready to meet the challenge. He has taught me well....

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  10. I think the biggest lesson here, is simply to trust God. Trust that in His perfect wisdom, He still holds you in the palm of his hand. That regardless of what life throws you, He is going to continue to provide for you and see you through.

    2Chronicles 16:9 (A) For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him.

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  11. I don't think it happens that way. I think things happen because this is life and God grants us the grace and strength to handle it and grow from it. I don't think more is heaped on to increase our dependency although faith growing is a wonderful, beautiful, exceptional thing.

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    1. I hope if I can remember to still cling to Him, even when things are easy, He won't need to call me louder. It's really my own failings I'm worried about. My own inability to keep Him at the center when things are going well.

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    2. Thank you for saying what I was thinking more eloquently than I would have said it!

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    3. And Dwija, clearly you are very, very good at gratitude. So no worries. :-)

      I often suffered from a similar line of reasoning, what I called (as someone else mentioned, in the comments above) "Waiting for the Other Shoe Syndrome." And though what I'm about to say isn't coming from the same theological vein many of these other comments are, I learned to let go (mostly, you know, the tricky thing is there's no one "graduation"--it's like we can always shift back and forth grade levels...) by, in part, repeating the advice my father (lower-case "f") gave me: "Trying to solve your problems by worrying is like trying to get somewhere in a rocking chair."

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  12. Dweej, I think being afraid is human and a bit of a mother thing.

    I don't think the things that happen in our lives are tests of faith given to us by God. Nor do I think he's pulling the strings for deaths and disasters.

    But I agree when they happen they pose an opportunity for closeness to Him.

    All I can tell you is if anything bad happens (and you know about my situation) He'll be there with you beside you to comfort you whether you realize it or not, for that I am sure.

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  13. I completely understand how you feel. I am not a very religious person, but I think of it sometimes in terms of statistics. How long can I go on this way, relatively happy, without major hardships. My biggest fear is something happening to my children that is out of my control. I didn't realize how hard it would be to have kids and feel the full weight of how much I now have to lose. This sounds awful, but I am hoping that the fact that I lost my father when I was 6 counts for something and maybe I have already suffered enough! I know it doesn't work that way, but....

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    1. I know what you mean, Heather. I sometimes look around at how much I've been blessed (family, job, health, etc) and wonder how long I can go on living so happily. I don't have children yet, but I frequently worry about my family members passing away unexpectedly at a young age.

      I pray for God to mold me into the person I'm meant to be, and in the same second panic He will do so by means I wouldn't like. How selfish I can be!

      If I didn't have my Catholic faith, I'm sure I'd be a MUCH bigger worrier. Bible study and encouragement from my husband have really helped me overcome this. It is all about trusting in the Lord and being open to His plans for you.

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  14. I know how you feel. The main thing that comforts me is that God only gives us the grace we need when we need it. If he throws you a new curve ball, then, and only then, will he give you the grace to deal with it. A potential curve ball can be terrifying because we do not have the grace to deal with it since God hasn't thrown it yet. Trust in Him and you will be able to handle whatever comes your way.

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  15. I know this feeling. Reason won out for me. After all, who better to trust than the one who Loves with perfect love, knows perfectly, and is perfectly Good? Either I trust Him and choose virtue regardless of the cost of getting there, or I let the devil convince me to let vice grow so as to have it "easier". Reason won. I'll go with whatever God permits for my good because He loves me.

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  16. Which saint was it who said, "Lord, if this is how you treat your friends, it's no wonder you have so few."? Can't remember, but even the saints felt what you are feeling. Those of us who are conscious of the value of suffering battle this fear often. What is more interesting is when we have moments where we *know* and *want* the suffering so that we CAN grow closer to Christ. I don't think I'm there yet -- if ever -- but I hope that THAT feeling will eventually overpower that fear that you are writing about. One thing that I know for certain: once you've been through the worst and felt God's loving embrace pulling you along, you come out on the other side realizing that "Hey! That was pretty awful, but not only did I survive, I gained so much! God brought me through it all and He will do it again!".
    Pray for peace, Dweej, and stop waiting for that other shoe to drop. ;)

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  17. St. Teresa of Avila said that after her carriage overturned into the mud.

    She also was woken by the devil and seeing the demonic presence said, "oh it is only you devil" and went back to sleep.

    Her advice on the mystical life is so practical and wonderful to read!

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    1. That was it! I was waffling between St. Teresa and St. Catherine of Siena! Thank you!

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    2. Teresa has been at the top of our girl name list for all sorts of reasons. We can add this story to our list :)

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  18. Dweej: Maybe, for a really great saint. But most of us aren't tested that much! Many, many people have calm peaceful lives and it's not because God doesn't love them. It's going to be all right. The normal hard things that happen really ARE the normal hard things that happen.

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  19. Love this! I feel like this so much of the time. And we have had some very hard times. But, seeing you link it with karma made me think that we are kind of thinking of God as the opposite of karma. By doing well, we earn more bad times. And that does not line up with how God shows himself to us in the bible. i agree that we should watch ourselves to make sure that we don't drift from God in the good times, but I'm rethinking whether or not we should be on the lookout for more bad things to come because we are doing well with our stresses......

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  20. I think it's less that God gives us these challenges to shape us, and more that he allows them, and uses them to shape us while feeling our pain and loss with us. The world is broken, imperfect, tainted by sin. He allows this, in his infinite wisdom and understanding, because He knows that all will come around to His glory. He can use any situation to create good. But it isn't as if there is a sliding scale of hardship - once you've mastered the little stuff, you can move on to the biggies. Hang on to your hats, faithful folks, because tragedy is around the corner!

    Tragedy may be around the corner, for you, or me, or anyone. It could be on the horizon for a faithful sister who devotes her life to serving God and others. It could be on the horizon for a staunch athiest who won't have faith to lean on. Hardship and pain doesn't pick and choose. Sometimes sh*t just happens.

    There are no guarantees that life will be easy or lovely or without pain. We all will encounter things that we have to simply get through. The difference is, a person of faith, who has learned to live with peace in her heart, will come at those things from a position of strength. But having that peace and strength does not guarantee that something harder is around the corner. Graduating from Managing Daily Stress 101 with a big fat A+ doesn't mean you have to take the next class and try to ace it.

    In my life so far, I've seen people of great faith face tragedy and pain and come through in amazing and inspiring ways. And I've seen people with no faith face tragedy and pain... and well, the results are mixed.

    But one thing I do believe - God isn't up there, looking down and thinking, "Ooh look at how joyful and peaceful she is in her daily life. I think it's about time I tested her faith with a serious illness!" And yet, if a serious illness does arise, He will be there to carry you through and give you the grace, strength, and hope to carry on.

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  21. Well you know better than anyone he wont give you anything you cant handle.... with that being said, I know I have often prayed that he might try to think about possibly lowering the bar just a leeeeetle bit now and then with the things he thinks I can handle routine. I dont think though that obstacles are the ONLY way God finds we grow closer to him, maybe he just thinks some of us are so stinking good at it he uses us as tools to show others how to handle them with more grace so THEY can grow closer to him.

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  22. I know just what you mean . . . it's why I never say that things couldn't be any worse, because they always seem to get worse. I don't think that's God, though. Or Karma. It's just life. Bad things happen; God doesn't send them. He just gives us the grace to bear them when they come. One thing you can be sure of is that more bad things will come your way. Remember that the old catechism said the God made us to know Him, love Him, and serve Him in this world, and be happy with Him in the next. So I think we just have to try to do that every day and try not to worry about what's coming next. If I had known in advance that my house was going to burn down, that I would lose EVERY material possession that meant anything to me, it would have been much more horrible anticipating it than it was to deal with it after it happened. (Not that it was, you know, fun or anything.)

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    1. Thank you for the perspective, Leslie. Such good points.

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  23. I totally know what you mean here. Sometimes, I even have the awful thought that those people faced with the truly terrible adversities, like my friend who lost her child, are the ones that God is actually more proud of. Like, what have I done so great in my life? Complained about my job?

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  24. I totally can understand you there... I keep thinking the same thing about life here in Peace Corps. I feel pretty satisfied with the challenges I've had up to now. I don't really want to relive the darkest moments I've ever had. But I guess we don't really have much choice about these things!

    And as someone else mentioned, maybe the path in all of this is taking things step by step and having faith that each step will lead to the next. :)

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  25. Amen to that, Dweej...I'm totally afraid to graduate too. It's so weird, I was just thinking about these kinds of things today. I've been so happy and content, and I'm just waiting for something bad to happen.

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  26. Oh Dwija, I know exactly what you mean. Maybe if I get over the little things God will burn down my house or kill a family member. But even if I don't know exactly how God works, I know crazy when I hear it and try to trust that God's plan for me isn't a tragedy

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    1. "I know crazy when I hear it..." Preach it, Laura. That is exactly what a girl needs sometimes!

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  27. Ahhh the Refiner's fire. You know the story of the silver refiner don't you? How He holds the silver over the flame and has to put it right in the center where the flame is hottest, then remove it quickly in time before it melts... then slowly put it back again... again and again until it is so refined that He sees His face in its reflection? I think of that story often during trying times like these.

    I take comfort, too, in knowing that He has a seriously specific and miraculous purpose for me - and for you (although yours seems easier to see by a landslide, but can we ever see our own as clearly as those who care about us?) Often, as the old saying goes, the night is always darkest just before the dawn.

    One time I will write a post about this unbelievable Sunday School lesson we had on Job a few years ago. Hey! How about this weekend? Done.

    Love you sweetie, and as Dougee always says to me when I have my preggo-lady bouts of freak-out-ish-ness (NOT that that's what *you* were doing here) - "Keep on keepin' on, girlfriend."

    But then I always tell him DUH, that's so lame. ;D

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  28. Girl. I know I'm super late commenting on this, but I wanted to let you know, I do this too. My biggest freak-out is always, what if I am so happy and in love and perfectly content with my husband that God takes him away from me so I can learn to be happy and in love and perfectly content with Him instead. Which is crazy, and it makes me crazy thinking about it, but sometimes I do anyway. And the only thing that makes me feel better then is that verse from Jeremiah, "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
    I can hold onto that, even when I can't hold onto anything else.

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  29. Chiming in here a year later -- obviously so many of us feel the same way. This is something I've struggled with for a while -- learning to trust God completely. I have a long way to go. But someone mentioned St. Teresa of Avila and I thought of this prayer:

    Let nothing disturb you,
    Let nothing frighten you,
    All things are passing away:
    God never changes.
    Patience obtains all things
    Whoever has God lacks nothing;
    God alone suffices.

    -- St. Teresa of Avila
    (from http://www.ewtn.com/devotionals/prayers/stteresaofavila.htm)

    I think I need to frame this & hang in on the wall!

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