Why, hello 3rd trimester! It sure is nice of you to finally stop by and pay a visit. I mean, you know I've been pregnant for, like, 19 months already, right? So inconsiderate.
Anyway, here's the deal. I am super short waisted. We're talkin' 2" from my hip bone to my bottom rib. Also, I've gained approximately a whole pound per week since the beginning of my pregnancy. So of course, I have a torpedo belly. And not a torpedo booty. For the booty, let's go with marshmallow.
Do you have a mental image going yet? Good. Now add in some raccoon eyes because of course I'm saving my under eye concealer for "something important" (For what, you ask? Now that is a good question...). So that's a 27 lb. torpedo belly + marshmallow booty + bags as black as night. I know. Watch out Heidi Klum, there's a new hottest pregnant lady in town!
People- on a daily basis folks insist that this baby is going to be born any day. Or that I'm carrying twins. Or both. Yes- both that I am carrying twins and that I'm approximately six hours shy of delivery.
Never, ever ask a woman if she's having twins.
Never, ever say "looks like baby will be here any day!"
And do not evereverever, not even once, use the word "pop" in her general direction. If you live in the midwest, don't even ask her if she wants to drink some "pop". Use "soda" instead. Trust me on this one.
Okay, are you ready for photographic evidence that will help me to exercise my humility while exorcising my vanity?
And because I don't want to leave you with that horrific image seared into your brain, here's something WAY cuter to take it's place:
Best $1 spent ever.