Saturday, October 18, 2014

A 34 year miracle

I shouldn't be blogging right now. I have six browser tabs open.  Two of my kids are still awake.  I still haven't cancelled the phone and internet at the old house. 

The old house.

It's weird calling it that.  It's weird but not hard.

God's plans are always bigger than ours, you know?  This whole thing.  This...crazy thing...doesn't even really feel like it was our idea.  Do you know what I mean?
Earlier this evening Tommy sent me "out" to do whatever I wanted, because toddlers.  What I wanted wasn't to go out out, it was just to go outside.  To breathe a little.  To dig a little.

I took a bunch of paper bags from the overpriced, convenient grocery store with the clerks that load your bags into your car for you  (I love you, Harding's.  I wish I could only ever shop at you.), put on that ugly orange knit cap, grabbed my beer and marched straight out the gate.

Okay, it was out a small gate first, down some steps, across the deck, out another gate, through the yard, and then out a THIRD gate.  Which is crazy. What is this, some kind of movie set?

The first bag was filled with butternut squash, the second with potatoes and parsnips, the third with yellow squash.  The only reason I stopped is that it was getting too dark to see. On my way back through the yard, I stopped at one of the apple trees to threw a few of those into one of the bags with the rest of my haul.

And I just stood there for a moment.

When I tell you about how all of this happening, I don't talk much about how incredibly humbled and grateful and astounded I am to live this life.

As I stood there under the apple tree, in my yard, a brisk October breeze making the branches dance against a twilight sky, it all seemed so very impossible.  From those high school days of selfishness, insecurity, foolishness, to those college parties and stupid decisions and keeping my guardian angel working overtime, to married life- having three kids in a small two bedroom apartment in an apartment complex with regular visits from the police on the weekends, buying a house in Michigan off the internet for less than the cost of a Toyota Sienna minivan....

And now this?

When we think about miracles, it's normal I think to imagine something that exists in a single moment.  A switch from one painful, earthly thing to a totally opposite, remarkable spiritual thing.  The BOOM.  The magic.  And of course there are some miracles that are like that.

But maybe a miracle can also last 7 or 15 or 34 years.  Maybe a miracle can unfold slowly, like a flower blooming.  Slowly, over time, creating something that won't even make sense or seem possible when you try and tell the story.  And then one night you're standing under an apple tree with an ugly orange knit cap on and you realize that you are living a miracle.

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  1. I love this post! You hit it right on the nose!!! And I'd totally forgotten about the awesomeness of Hardings until I read this. :-)

  2. So beautiful. Thank you.
    I had a grubbing in the dirt session today and, yes, it feels wonderful.

  3. Ah, yes. You are living a 34 year miracle. And also, you *are* a 34 year miracle, in the works. This is beautiful, Dwija.

  4. Well, you made me cry, at least!

  5. Beautiful...the realization that miracles are always in the making. I just had a discussion with my teen daughters tonight about "out-out." They look around and see so many people that need to be refilled, re-nergized by going and doing and being here and there. When I need to refill, recharge, I can just as easily do it some where around here, on our property. My sanguine/extroverted teens did not understand their melancholic/choleric/introverted mother at all. Your post probably summed it up better.

  6. I love the idea that we are in the midst of a miracle unfolding and yet we have no idea. As a family that is in the midst of making so many life changes I hold onto faith that sometime soon we will look back or wake up and see what a miracle we are living.

  7. God is bigger than all of this. You describe it perfectly.

  8. Beautiful, God's plans are amazing and awesome.

  9. Deeply moving. When I read you "maybe" cried while writing it, I hopped right on over. I always overestimate my ability to read without getting my heart grabbed. I'm going to tuck this post in my brain and read it all day. Thanks be to God. He is goodness and mercy forever.

  10. I'm so happy for you. Thank you for sharing your miracle with all of us. :)

  11. Yes! Yes! Yes! Love this post!

  12. Praise God for the moments of consolation when we are able to see His great works for what they truly are, miracles in the ordinary. May you continue to cherish the miracle that your are cultivating. ad Jesum per Mariam

  13. What a beautiful heart you have. I'm so happy for you.

  14. Wow. This is beautiful. I have never thought of miracles in this way, and you are so right. I'm looking at my own life a little differently today. Thank you!

  15. What a beautiful post, really lovely. Love the idea of sustained miracles....really interesting.

  16. God is so good. I love this post. He gives LIFE!!!

  17. This is awesome. It's also part of why I hate it when people talk about how they wish they could be kids again or say that "highschool/college was the best time of my life." I just don't get it. Even though my responsibilities have grown and I've lost some dearly loved ones, overall--my life is way better as I get older. Lots of miracles unfolding. :)

    1. Also, I was just trying to figure out how far apart we are in age, and I couldn't remember how old I am...had to do the math. :)

  18. Super love. You basically just pulled those sentiments right from my bwain as I stop some awful cranky days and wonder at the sweet beautiful of my children: "how did this happen to me?" And I know it's a miracle unfolding in front of my own eyes. Lovely.

  19. Thanks for bringing on the ugly tears for this overdue pregnant lady!!! ;) So true.

  20. So true sweet friend and beautifully said. Thank you for the uplifting thoughts today. :) Much love and congratulations!

  21. Beautiful. Just beautiful- fits will with my story. When we find miracles in the mundane.

  22. Oh, oh great post.

    And so true. I know that I've had those moments, the ones where I look at my life and think, "How? How did this happen?" in complete awe and gratefulness. I think it's so important to find and rest in those moments in the midst of crazy, busy, striving and fighting and working and wanting, in all the living that we do... to just stop for a moment and look at life and say "Thank You" to the One who gave us everything.

  23. So lovely. Beautifully said. :)

  24. Dwija, this is so beautiful! I love seeing life through your eyes and heart. Your blog is absolutely fantastic. I always look forward to reading it and adore you and your family. Y'all are a light in this world for so many:) God bless you.

  25. Ah. Yes. Beautifully put. Sometimes it's hard to see the miracle amidst the chaos, but it's there, isn't it?



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  27. Quite possibly one of my favorites of your entire blogs-- and you have tons of fANTASTIC others.. thank you for sharing this one tho.


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