5. Blue Steel Guy
Oh yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about. And yes, I mean you, Mr. I think I'm super smolder-y but really I'm pretty much a loser because I set up my own camera on
4. Mizz Sp11ing iz 2 hard. U h@z a pr0b wid dat?
Okay fine, that was a very lame attempt at doing that thing that super-de-duper awesome people do where they refuse spell out their words. And not only do they not spell them out, they use punctuation marks instead of letters. Why?!?!? It can't POSSIBLY be faster. No sir. Because do you know how long it took me to write that terrible title to this paragraph? Approximately nine hours. If you have ever even THOUGHT about writing like that in a non-ironic fashion, please refrain from following me because the chance of me following you back is some number less than zero.
3. Dude/ette Who's Proud of Being a Jerk
Look y'all...I spend approximately 78% of my life trying to make sure my kids don't act like jerks. The other 22% is spent bemoaning the jerks who aren't my children that insist on trying to ruin my experience of this fine world. So I've decided that I can no longer virtually hanging out with people who are PROUD of being jerks. "Do I come across as being proud of being a jerk?" Ask yourself this very important question before you, yes you, with the "I'm an a-- hole" or "Watch out- I'm a big fat b-word" splashed across your profile, decide to follow me. Because...you guessed it...I will not be following you back. 'Cause what I need in life right now is not angry, my friends. Happy.
2. Spammy Gender Confusion guy. Or gal?
Hey spammers, here's a tip: make sure your fake profile picture and your fake name could possibly, on some continent, be a match. Because if your pic is of a scantily clad young lady and your name is listed as Robert Gallahan I will not be following you back. In fact, chances are good that I will report you for spam, especially if....
1. Your Profile is Nothing but Spam
Hello not-smart-wo/man, let me tell you something very special and awesome about twitter- everyone can see what you've tweeted. If you don't believe me, ask Anthony Weiner. It's true and crazy and public and scary and GREAT. Great for me, and every other reasonable person, who sees that you have tweeted nothing but the same link to a zillion people. Do you know what I will do if you follow me and/or tweet a random link at me? You guessed it!
Related: who clicks on links from people they don't know? Especially links with no supporting text? If you just raised your hand: SHAME ON YOU! Do not feed the Spamming Trolls! For the love of all that is holy...
If you are looking to ease some of your online burden, try making a list of your own. Maybe "5 Facebook users I'm happy to unfriend" or "Combox arguments I refuse to get sucked into". It's truly empowering!