Thursday, April 28, 2011

Psalm 158: Of Tolerant Wives

1 Blessed is the woman that doth not maim her spouse,
     nor pluck the hairs from his head,
     nor demandeth from him a ring encrusted with rubies

2 Upon discovering that he hath booked a golf game (or concert or trip to Vegas)
     on the weekend celebrating her holy birth.

3 Amen, I say to you, she shall be like a saint to those who are otherwise,
     when she doth agree to prepare three meals daily although he is not seven;
     Her hair will not be disheveled;
     and whatsoever she doeth shall be impecable.

4 Whereas this woman is not so:
     but rather is like a banshee in response to such suggestions.

5 Yea verily, she will whacketh him upside the head,
     and readily point out that she has already birthed children of her own;
     and thus he is encouraged to fend for himself.

6 Arise, she will say, a breweth your own dang coffee
    for thy destination is a place of adults
    with whom thou canst have full conversations

7 They will neither wipe their mucous upon you
    nor demandeth that you preparest for them a sandwich
    but only with a diagonal cut, for the horizontal cut smacks of evil

8 Nay, brethren, thou shalt not revel in the joys of having a wife
     if thou shalt not revel in the duties of being a grown man.

9 Whosoever shall tolerate that kind of nonsense shall earn herself
     a free ticket to salvation, wherein he will be forced to massage her feet for all eternity.

check out our writing group for more great poetry!

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  1. However did you think to write this? I am beyond impressed with your creativity.

    I think thine husband doth owe thee a wellspring of flowers, for thou art a saint.

  2. I am printing a copy of this out and framing it. Several copies. I need one for each room . . . maybe one for each wall in each room.

  3. Haha, I was just going to say Amen, but my3littlebirds beat me!! Too funny, love it

  4. Can i get a Hallelujah from my sista? I'm dancing in the aisle of the church of Dweej! I think we're on the same page today.

  5. ha ha ha!

    (I mean, um, a solemn Amen).

  6. And that is the gospel according to Dweej. I totally fb shared this. Laughed out loud in my office!

  7. I'm diggin' all your virtual high fives! :D

  8. This is so going on my frig : D There's where the best of the best is archived. Oh mighty Dwija, We hail thee Queen for The Day !!!!

  9. Verily, verily, I say unto thee; mine merriment poureth from mine belly and mouth and thou hast caused a wellspring of water to rush forth from my nether regions (for I hath previously given birth twice henceforth to two man-children and thus hath need of many kegel exerciseths).

    I give the psalms of thanksgiving for thine divine comedy once and again...Amen!

  10. Whoa, changing your blog's name to King James Reseen and Rescripted...

    Blessings to you from a wife whose husband does not golf. Can I have a nyah, nyah, nyah, nyah boo boo?

  11. Hilarious! I am so fb-sharing this.

  12. Hah! Thank you, Mitzi :)

    And I have said more thank yous than I can count to the sporting Gods that my husband doesn't golf either. As you can probably tell, I wouldn't have much patience for it anyway... ;)

  13. My husband read this out loud and I laughed until I cried.

  14. AWSOMENESS!!! I follow thee, Prophet! Amen!

  15. You are awesome. And that is all.

  16. Haha! That's HILARIOUS!!! I don't suppose there's any chance of you rewriting the whole Bible, is there??

    Have a great weekend!!

  17. *giggles*

    I especially like the part about whackething him on the head. That part is my favorite!

    Hope you have a good weekend dear!

  18. Funny how fuming rage-
    I mean, a little frustration-
    can spur creativity. thanks, Dweej!

    p.s. is THIS the weekend of thy holy birth?

  19. Oh my gosh, Mary are too funny! Hah!

    Fortunately, my husband did not inspire this particular piece. I am too scary and he is too smart ;)

  20. I had to lol at the disclaimer comment but the piece itself is pretty funny too...& my spouse of 40 years could've easily inspired it! Ummm, and I could easily have inspired the male version too, no doubt :-)

  21. Love love love it!! I agree with Red Nomad Oz -you should prepare your own version of the Bible - we could have King James, NIV and Dwija. Haha!

  22. Oh. My. Happiness. Sending. To. My. Husband. Okay. Done. With. This. Ridiculousness. Now.

  23. Got this link from my wife.

    This is the fruit of prayerful meditation.

    The horizontal cut smacks of evil.


  24. I so needed to read something like this, Dweej.

    My spouse looked at me this morning and said "Don't buy me anything for Father's's just a made-up occasion; a card is enough."

    I'm printing out your post and sticking it in an envelope...after I whacketh him upside his head.

    Bless you!

  25. I love this so much! What a creative, inspired, perfect poem! I think I need to share this as well! Well done!

  26. I still love this so much, it is pure perfection Dweej!!! I'm so glad you chose this one to share. :) You are a rocket scientist!!!


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