Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Tips and Tricks: Motivation

Usually, my dear friends, I like to point out how you are skilled and awesome and wonderful and how I am not-as-much and then go on to illustrate said point with great clarity and way too many hyphens.  In this way, you feel all happy and say "That neurotic woman sure does make me feel good about myself and the prudent decisions I make.  I should read what she says all the time!".  See how tricky I am?  Super tricky.  But today...well, today I could not find a way to make anyone seem better than me at what it is I'm fixin' to talk to y'all about (special shout out to all my Texas peeps.  Tejas!).  And that thing is, of course, procrastinating.

Ohmylordybejeezus, I do love deadlines.  I love 'em, love 'em, love 'em!  I love them so much I like to cozy up real close to 'em.  Get right up on 'em sometimes and say "Why helllloooooo, Deadline, don't you look mighty fine today!  I think I'll just admire your fineness as I stay up until 3 a.m. on the day of you.  For you I will prop my eye-lids open with toothpicks as I will coherent sentences to pour forth from my zombie-fied fingertips.  And you, Years-of-makin'-stuff-up-on-the-spot, don't fail me now!  You'll just make me look bad in front of my darling beau and I'll be afraid to get so close to him again the future...oh Deadline, my sweet, sweet prince."

Well, now it's time to get excited folks, because my dashing friend is about to pay me another visit.  Deadline will be here on Sunday, May 1st, and he is even bringing his hot friend Deadline for Something Else on that very same day.  Meow!  Now see, most normal folk might decide that since there are "only" 10 days left between now and the day that 1) we will have our very first house guests who will be staying with us for two nights and who will be forced to sleep in the master bedroom of doom with its still half-removed wallpaper and 2) I need to finalize my submission for a compilation book which I have promised myself and a dear friend that I would write despite the fact that I want to feel inadequate and just throw in the towel, they should probably get moving on finishing the renovations or sweeping up the pine shavings that are miraculously leaking out of the utility room,  or at least prepare for the major holiday (hello, Easter is this weekend?  Why didn't anyone tell me?!) that is also happening in that time frame.  Hah!  Amateurs!

No, no...a professional procrastinator (i.e. ME) knows that the first thing you need to do, before you get going on your required tasks, is post a screen shot of something you find on the internet to facebook with some commentary about why you do/do not like it.  So yesterday, I posted this:

with the caption: Bad. Creepy. Does not make me want to shop for swimsuits. fail.  If you choose your photo wisely, you will provide yourself with a whole afternoon of banter with your out-of-town friends, and duh, of course you can't just ignore them and go about your business.  That would be so rude!

Shortly following the photo, you'll want to do a status update highlighting the fact that you shouldn't be doing a status update.  p.s. This is some high-level stuff, so you might want to be taking notes.  My post yesterday was this: My children do not have "easter clothes" and I have purchased no "easter food", what to speak of treats and goodies. I still have time, right? For the love of all that is holy, tell me I still have time! which garnered all of us so much time-wasting conversation that you are going to have to see it to believe it...


 There were so many inane comments and tangents that went on that I couldn't even zoom out enough to get them all on one screen capture.  Winning!

Sadly, you can only milk facebook for so long though (trust me, I've done the field research already), so when you get to a lull in your afternoon, you are going to want to go ahead and give yourself a haircut.  What's that, you say?  You've never randomly cut your own hair in the middle of a Tuesday afternoon?  This is like the three dogs thing.  Live a little, man!

So you will look at your mop of hair and decide that certainly you cannot celebrate a major holiday and the arrival of not one but two luscious Deadlines with a head of hair that has not been touched by the shiny blade of a sharp pair of sheers in over 14 months.  Then you will watch tutorials on how to cut your own bangs, and you will ask your three year-old son if you should cut your hair, and whatever he says you will decide it means that yes, you should.  Never mind the fact that the boy likes to put his mouth on filthy shopping carts and thinks that Spongebob is a cheese.  Then you will sharpen the little black-handled scissors that you dig out of the medicine cabinet, and you will actually CUT your own hair.

cutting your own hair at home

p.s. I made a special facebook page just for YOU today.  Please come over and "like" me so I can share random photos and ask you guys questions and pimp your pages.  Click HERE!

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  1. Oh, if you homeschool, realize you won't be able to be quite this, um, manic, during the day. Or, will you...

    (You may overuse hyphens, I rely on the ellipsis, but only three dots, never more...well unless, I forget to count...)

  2. Cute hair, though! Now, get to the wallpaper!

  3. LURRRRRVVE the hair! Now, come over to my house & cut MY hair!

    Also, my side is positively aching from laughing at this post! (And, I thought I was an expert at wasting my time on FB. Heck, I gave up FB for Lent, cuz I thought it sucked me in too much!).

    Deadlines are, well, I hate them. I do the lesser-known, stick-your-head-in-the-sand-until-the-deadline-passes, then try to contract malaria so no one will point out that the deadline has passed and you are a "Failure in Life". Malaria is hard to come by in these parts, so my plans seldom work.

    Good luck and Happy Easter!!

  4. Normal is boring. You are decidedly NOT boring. :D


  5. I have a couple of deadlines that I need to be thinking about. House guest is arriving tomorrow and taxes are due at the end of the month... while the house guest is still visiting. I have plenty of work to do today...

  6. Mary Kate- just ask my daughters: you do NOT want me cutting your hair! Imagine Monica Gellar in the kitchen...that is who I am.

    Cheryl- I think you've progressed past the point of this blog post! Once you're able to say "tomorrow" then I guess it might be time to start getting ready ;)

  7. I like the hair too. Now GET TO WORK! Or don't, I don't really care: )

  8. Well makes sense to me. You have things you have to do so you should look up how to cut your hair. While you are at it, go wash the goats too. Heck, you could have saved time and and the boy cut your hair. That would have been purty I bet. *snicker*
    I myself am also a procrastination queen. I should get a damn sash to prove it. Case in point, I should be invoicing things for work. Yet, here I am on your blog stalking you.

  9. bwahahaha!

    Dwija - we can never, ever hang out. We would never get anything done. Well, except maybe FB...and reading blogs.

    btw - The hair looks SUPER cute!


  10. Ummmmm...two things: 1. Are we related? 2. Will you come over and cut my hair? One more thing...I have a problem with elipses...see?

  11. if that pics is ur new haircut courtesy of yourself!? it looks pretty freakin' smooth!

  12. I'm going to post my comment tomorrow.

  13. It's good to know that Deadline is two~timing me with someone as bright and funny as you are.

    I "liked" you on Facebook

  14. I like Dave's comment: "PROCRASTINATORS UNITE...tomorrow..."

    I'm all about that. I read this blog earlier today - I'm just posting a comment now. See how good I am? I may give you a run for your money. Twitter is also good for procrastination. Have all your favorite tweeters and @ replies sent to your cell phone - it takes procrastination to an entirely new level...

  15. Funniest post ever. But I'm telling you that I'm better at procrastination than you are...I know it. And someday I'll show you.

    Oh, and I love your facebook page, now I have new means of stalking you :) Just kidding...only kind of.

  16. At least you're aware that Easter is happening. I'm feeling totally oblivious to that whole thing. Easter what?

  17. Easter is when?!!??!?!? Ok, well I guess I can go shopping on Saturday, and clean the house Sunday morning . . . after church . . . I'll think about that later . . .

    What I was really going to say was . . . I hate it when people overuse punctuation!!!!!!! ;) :) ;p

    And cute bangs!!! :D

  18. LOVE the bangs!!!

    I am sooo liking your fb page. :)

  19. And I thought I was guru in procrastinating! At the moment I've 2 projects in hand whose deadline is fast approaching and am multi-tasking, like
    - reading yr post including all the comments,
    - chatting with a couple of frens on FB
    - talking to my kid
    - trying to pack for our vacation...
    - clicking on more links from FTLOB
    btw visiting u via FTLB, u made my day by showing that am not alone in the business of procrastinating:)

  20. Haha! I love that list! Reading all the comments is a very high level of blog procrastination. I approve :D

  21. Haha. This post is amazing! And I'm a super duper procrastinator as well! We should join a club! And if it makes you feel better... I haven't cut my hair in over two years...

    I'm new to your blog! I found you on FTLOB and can't wait to read more! Feel free to check out my blog as well!

    Simply Kate

  22. AND you created a new Facebook page??? You are too much!
    I want to hear more about the book...

  23. Now I am wondering if you met your deadlines! I will read on to find out!

    PS-One of my favorite bloggers posted the same creepy picture 4 days after you!

    Also, I really like your hair!!


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