Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Mom Fails

Yesterday after Blueberry-palooza, a sweet reader and bloggy friend sent me a message complimenting me and encouraging me in my fun mothering-ness.  And I was all "That is so kind!  But oh dear.  Now I'm going to have to have to drop some truth bombs to make sure everyone understands what really goes on 'round these parts."  You see, I'm willing to be fun when I have other moms around to pick up my slack (yes at swim lessons and while picking blueberries and while going to the lake and while all the things.  I tag along or we don't go), but I'm also a foolish stumbler.  Still.  Even after wrangling chil'rens for almost 13 years.


Let's just take today, shall we?
1) We were trying to do our morning thing (people waking up at random times, everyone eating a different breakfast, someone telling someone to give the chickens some dang water, someone spilling milk all over the foor....) and I was SURE we could get out the door by 10 to go grocery shopping.  But look, it's 9:45 and I'm still in my pajamas!  So I run to my room to throw on some clothes, Cecilia close behind as usual, and suddenly I hear the dude that is working on our laundry room say "Oh no, baby!  No!" followed by a crash and some screaming.  I careen down the hall (wasn't someone supposed to be watching Mary???  Someone = me) and see him standing at the end with a baby under one arm, MY BABY, and a broken snow globe, formerly made out of actual glass, in the other.

Nice, dweej.  Real nice.

So in the last 7 days they've laid flooring, painted trim, jump started our van, and saved the baby from a trip to the ER?  Oy.

2) So we make it to the store miraculously unscathed and half-way through the trip, as someone is reading the shopping list out loud to me at an extremely high volume and someone else is asking where the broken escalator is, I look down to see that the very same baby has somehow wrangled an avocado out of one of the produce bags and has LITERALLY GNAWED THROUGH THE DURABLE OUTER SKIN.  There she is, sitting in the grocery cart, chomping down on an entire avocado as if it were an apple.  A rough, ridiculous, black apple.  Sthpeshul!


3) Yay, we've made it to the check out.  We're loading the goodies back into the cart at the end.  Lizzy looks at a sign on the wall advertising something called "Mr. Flavor" and hollers "Flava Flav!"

Mmmmmhmmmmmmm.

4) Now we're home.  Everyone is safe.  Or something.  Until Cecilia says "No, Mary!  You can't just leave!" and I come around the corner to find that someone had left both the front door and the storm door open and my 13 month old child is happily about to embark on the Great American Adventure, first stop: tumbling headlong off the front porch.  But she didn't because I made it because her guardian angel is really picking up my slack today.

5) And just a few minutes ago, as I am writing this very post about being lame, I hear some scratchy scratchy noises and look near the pantry and see Ceci eating Raisin Bran straight out of the box.  "I told you I needed a snack...."

So don't ever take advice from me, okay?  Because wow...

HOLY MOLY.  Just now.  Ceci trying to use a marker to color a piece of paper while using the kitchen wall as her work surface.  I better bounce before this place comes apart at the seams, yo.


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31 comments :

  1. Just cut yourself a whole lot of slack...your hormones are probably still stabilizing after Nicholas....so be at peace!

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  2. This made me laugh so hard. It reminds me of all my less than stellar mom moments. Like when I was so engulfed in editing my sister in law's ultrasound picture to add goofy comments that I didn't notice my toddler pitching my husband's laptop until it was an inch away from crashing onto the floor.

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  3. Oh my goodness with the snow globe! ack!

    Hey my 7 month old ate some of my tuna sandwich today. No judgement here.

    I once shared a picture of a textbook I was studying bc some pages had been ripped out and there was a grease stain from a cookie (ew). And my SIL was like, why don't you just keep it on the shelf? And I was like, yeah you have no idea what it's like over here. LOL.

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  4. If it makes you feel any better, I just grabbed a bottle of orange cleanser out of my 10-month old's hands that was speedily making their way to her mouth. Oh..and we won't talk about the numerous small items that were taken out of her mouth this morning.

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  5. I love posts like this. It is a reminder that I am in excellent company. ;-)

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  6. We're doing kitchen remodel here. This morning my youngest (21 months) was sitting on the front porch by himself waiting to greet the workers as they arrived; it seems he had snuck out the back door and run around the house to the front. So the doorbell rang, I went to unlock it and there were our workers, holding my son who was clapping his hands and laughing at me. Worker #1 had arrived several minutes before worker #2 and had waited in his car in our driveway, I guess so that I could let everyone in together, and he was good enough to testify that the baby had been out there by himself for "quite awhile." That probably qualifies me as a worse mom then you. So be encouraged.

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  7. We had a guy come measure our bedrooms for carpet. As he arrived, N locked his then 18 month old self in our bedroom, guess where the key was! so I answered the door, saying, "come in. my kid locked himself in the other room where you need to be." this total stranger took the doorknob off for me so I could get the kid out and him in.


    And I have one.


    Bake the workers some blueberry pie tomorrow. They'll love it :)

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  8. Sounds like a regular old day at my house!! Although I don't have babies anymore to rescue, my boys find PLENTY of trouble to get into. And when my now 10-year old was a toddler, I was playing with him and holding him by his ankles upside down (because that made him giggle like crazy) while talking to a contractor who was doing a remodel on our house. As the contractor was asking me "isn't that dangerous" and I was saying "No! See? He loves it!", his little legs slid right out of their pants and I dropped him on his head. On the hardwood floor. Yep. Yep, I did.

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    1. Oh, I just laughed out loud at that one! Still giggling silent giggles. Because I've been there. Had to call 9-1-1, actually, and the firemen were so nice (and so big! I think there were only 6, but it felt like our home was covered in them and their bright-yellow-with-red-suspender-pants!) and I felt so stupid. And the Jester (that's our middle Little) was fine. He has a tough skull.

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  9. This all sounded so familiar. My two year old and 17 month old are ALWAYS into something. I am constantly chasing one of them around the house to get whatever they have in their hands or mouth. Children are so sweet....and crazy!

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  10. Sounds about right for life with kids - thank God for guardian angels - He knew what he was doing with those!

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  11. We've broken numerous snow globes and I'm the idiot who KEEPS BUYING THEM! Cut yourself some slack, if stuff like that didn't happen, how would you blog for the rest of us?

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  12. Today was one of those days, wasn't it? Is it a full moon or something? I love reading all the comments, and here's my fave story. We moved in our fix'er upper in a snowy January. A week later I found out I was pregnant(unexpectedly) with #3. We had a 3 year old and a 1 year old at the time. One day, as I loaded up the sleeping baby in the van to go to town, my oldest locked the door behind me. To which I did not yet have a key on my key ring. And my phone and van were both running on empty. I had to call the police! By the time they arrived, my sobbing daughter (inside) had taken off all of her clothes and fell asleep on the floor in front of the door. And right about the time the officers were attempting to break in, I remembered my husband had hid a key and was able to open the door. I am still surprised they left the kids in my care that day! Hang in there momma, the good always outweighs the bad!

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  13. Yeah, Dweej, you're a complete and utter MOM FAIL. Because none of us ever make any mistakes, as you can see. Because back when I had only two kids and we lived in a second-floor apartment, I was never so wrapped up in a phone call that I got off to find they had pushed out the window screen and thrown everything out their bedroom window. Everything except their pillows and mattresses. Everything. (Yeah, they were pretty stunned, too.)

    And imagine! They are both adults now, and one of them has a baby of his own! So you see, you are not even managing to warp your children for life. If I didn't do it, you sure as heck won't.

    Sorry, Dweej, you're going to have to work harder than that to be a bad mom!

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  14. Is this an old pic or did you cut your hair and fill the dining room with balloons? Oh, as far as the mommy thing goes, I'll still trust you with my kids!

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    1. Yes! That's my mom when she was here. The balloons they stuck to the ceiling using static from their hair. It was amazing.

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  15. Is this an old pic or did you cut your hair and fill the dining room with balloons? Oh, as far as the mommy thing goes, I'll still trust you with my kids!

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  16. ALL I can think when reading this is, "HEY! I'VE BEEN IN THAT HOUSE!!! I'VE SAT ON THAT COUCH! I drank coffee that Tommy made me right there!"

    It's my own little claim to fame.

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  17. Well, all I'm going to say is...been there, done that. You're a terrific momma. I pray for you every day and think of you very often. And...I'm coming out on the other side lately and I can tell you that it does get better friend. (((HUGS)))

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  18. {{hugs}} you've gone through SO. MUCH. these past few months. Your mind, your everything is processing ..... a lot. Do cut yourself some slack, time will help you out, and thank God for those awesome Guardian Angels He gave us. :)

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  19. btw; the ladies at poison control know me by name. We're all in good company here. :)

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  20. Ok... THIS is my world. My real world. SO close to a blog post I was just going to write, including the broken glass. When I get around to writing it, I'll credit ya, ok? Ok. It must be a sanguine thing, but our homes sound awful similar (even the avocado eating in the middle of the grogery store... except most recently for us, Ava had chomped through 2 bananas ...without peeling. How bout paying for THOSE come register time?)

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  21. Hold the phone... you go grocery shopping with all the kiddos... BY YOURSELF?!? Well now, there's proof right there that you are not only amazing but brave because I do not even attempt that without the Hubs help! :) By the way, I am new to your blog, but I am freaking LOVING it, lady!

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  22. So basically, to sum it up, we're all in the same boat. :)

    And ps- my husband does handyman work in the summers. He would love being around a happy family like yours, and he would love being able to help you by jumping your car and saving baby Mary. I'm sure your guys feel the same way. Maybe you can make them chocolate chip cookies for going above and beyond - my husband would also love that. :)

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  23. Children, sheesh.. If they can't take care of themselves, who's supposed to do it? I've got a household to run, not time to extract the entire contents of your art supply box from your heating vent, youtwoyearoldterror...

    When ever my non-parent friends make a comment about "your house was always so clean" or "can't we just meet up for a quick lunch/coffee/chat?" "Should you let the two year old help himself to the refrigerator??" I just laugh, because these things are the least of my worries! We are all on the same insanity inducing ride, just barely holding
    on during some of the twists and turns but thrilled and excited during the other time! :)

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  24. Love this post. Yesterday, I took 5 kids and my pregnant self to the $1 movie special. We splurged and bought the Large Popcorn. My 8 year old son insists that he be the popcorn holder and then cuts us all off from eating any popcorn during the previews. "Save it for the movie!" Popcorn eating is the only thing that keeps my 1 year old and 2 year old in their seats. I choose not to say anything. Immediately after biting my tongue, my son does this "I want your soda, not mine" move and flips the entire bowl of popcorn on the floor. I tell him calmly that we can get a free refill. After we get the popcorn refilled and return to our seats, I start congratulating myself. "Wow, I kept my cool. I've really matured. This pregnancy is going to be no problem." In the middle of my interior monologue, my son spills the popcorn bowl again all over the ground. I said "I can't believe you did that!" in a sarcastic tone that could peel paint. Mom fail.

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  25. Grocery delivery has changed my life and I will not be made to feel bad about it!

    I think, in the end, how you react to all of this, in front of the children is probably the most important part. Not whether or not it happens. Because it will happen. I am saying that because I know this is where I truly fail, not that they are secretly eating my only bag of real tortilla chips sent to me through the mail by my brother, but the fact that I yelled at them for doing it instead of, well, anything else. That kind of thing.

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  26. Ain't nothin' wrong with riding on another mom's coat-tails. Because when there is more than one mom, there is more than twice the fun, especially if you are one of the moms.

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