Thursday, August 29, 2013

What Carmen Said

When I was in the hospital after Nicholas was born, I had a nurse named Carmen.  I still thank God every day for Carmen and ask Him to bless her and take care of her.  Not that He hasn't and doesn't but I'm just not sure what else I can say or do on her behalf.  She was an absolute blessing to me and by extension to our whole family.

Carmen has more babies in heaven than she has on Earth, including a little boy named Aaron who they lost when she was 24 weeks pregnant.  She knew, absolutely knew, our pain.  Our struggle.  She knew what I was feeling that day and talked to me about what I might feel, what might happen, in the weeks and months to follow.

Last night, as on so many previous nights, I was thankful for Carmen's little talks with me because I would have thought that maybe it was weird or not okay that all of a sudden I felt sad again.  That sometimes it sneaks up on me out of nowhere.  That sometimes Tommy will say something like "...and then maybe we can go to that Pho place for dinner" and I'll fight bursting into tears.  Poor guy.  He's probably at his wits end with me these days.  But it doesn't make me as nervous or as guilty as I know it otherwise would because Carmen told me.  Carmen told me she cried when her husband said he was going to mow the lawn.

So instead of being sad and then being nervous and then feeling guilty and then feeling even more sad, I get to stop at just feeling the first sad.  Like last night.  And this morning.  Even though neither is it a Monday nor is it the 15th, both days that I've learned to brace myself for, I'm still missing my boy and feeling sad.

Maybe you already know this about me.  Maybe you already know that I'm very good at sharing joy but am loathe to share our sorrow.  So I post the good and happy things, which are all very true, and shy away from posting the sad, which are also true.

But maybe knowing that it's normal and okay to still be grieving six and half weeks later will help one of you.  Maybe telling you about Carmen is what I need to do.  Maybe something.  I don't know.  Maybe I just need you to know that even though things can be and are happy and good, I still struggle through moments, hours, of mourning.  So I'm telling you all this.

At 2 a.m. when I was willing my thoughts to please, please quiet, I realized that I've stopped praying the rosary in order to fall asleep.  Maybe I need to go back to that.  Because I'm so conflicted.  On one hand I pray for the chance to be a mother to another child, to raise him or her here in our home.  But I'm also terrified.  I'm truly terrified to go through another round of horrible all-day sickness for months on end.  I'm terrified of loss, of doctor's appointments, of hospital beds and IVs.  I'm terrified of people congratulating us again and then having to offer their condolences again.  That interior conflict- I need the Blessed Mother's help with that.  I need to be able to trust that God really knows and wants what's best for me and our family.  Will you help me?  Will you pray for my peace and healing and faith in His will?

I am so grateful for all of you.  I'm so grateful for Carmen.



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60 comments :

  1. Isn't that the beautiful thing about the rosary? That we bring ourselves to Mary, who carries us to Jesus, even when we don't know what we are praying for. I will remember you with my next rosary.

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  2. I don't think anyone with half a heart would expect that you wouldn't still mourn your son, even when you get to enjoy happy moments. Praying for God's will for you and your family, and much peace and healing.

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  3. It will get better. Honest. But if you are anything like me, it will take a long time. Sounds like Carmen was truly and angel of mercy. I will continue to pray for you

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  4. Dwija, it's easy to forget other people's pain. It's okay to forget yourself every once in awhile. It's okay to let yourself feel it and to remind us as well. I know I need reminders of my prayer intentions.

    And I thank God for Carmen, too, because she was Jesus' hands and feet and heart here on Earth for you. Thank you Lord for the goodness in the world. Thank you for the Carmens. Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

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  5. With tears I read this. Because even though it's been 10 months for me, and there is SO much joy to be found in each and every day, it stays. I don't think it ever goes away, we just learn how to carry the grief, and the fear, and the joy. All at once. God bless women like Carmen who are angels on earth!
    I pray for mothers like us daily. May God grant you peace and healing, dear.

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  6. Of course I will pray for you. And OF COURSE you are still sad. Six and a half weeks is no time at all. I still cry over my miscarriage five years past.

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  7. Carmen is a smart cookie.


    And now you can be a Carmen to any other women going through something similar. It's God's community of saints working together.

    Hugs, Dweej!!

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    1. word, colleen. i know that when i'm going through a valley in my life, it really helps me to navigate better when i have the counsel of others who have been there.

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  8. The Holy Spirit sent Carmen to you. God bless you, Dwija.

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  9. Oh Dwija. I am so glad you wrote this post even as I am crying and feeling your loss and the loss of my own two babies this past 7 months. I still get sad. And I didn't even get to know my babies for nearly as long as you had Nicholas. But it still hurts. Just the other day when I read that article about fetal cells and how they help the mother I was completely overcome. Wracked with sobs of sorrow and joy sitting in my kitchen, hoping that I am still carrying around tiny pieces of my lost babes. Realizing how much Goodness there can be, even in loss. I am still praying for your healing.

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  10. I'm new to your blog - I found you after another person mentioned that you needed prayers and I came to read your story. Carmen was exactly what you needed and I'm really glad that God sent her to you. I'm very glad to be able to pray for you. Keep close to Mary. She is helping me through my own trials.

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  12. Thank you for writing this. I experienced a miscarriage a month ago and, while not on the same scale of loss like what you experienced, I appreciate reminders that it's okay to still have tough moments. These tough moments remind me of how loved that little one was and how good it is to miss them. Miscarriage seems like such a taboo subject that I was unaware of how many people in my life have been affected by it until I was having to explain that we were no longer pregnant. Maybe by talking about it more it won't be such a taboo topic and women who unfortunately experience one won't feel so alone.

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    1. Teresa - I think God calibrates the scale to our hearts, every such loss cuts deep. May God bring you peace and comfort in your time of healing. I think it would definitely help if more women talked about it, when I lost a baby through ectopic, it was the wonderful, faith-filled women around me who helped me on my path of healing. God bless.

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  13. You know, it was just about an hour ago that I was thinking about you and thinking that you haven't mentioned Nicholas in a while. I was afraid you were bottling things up and were avoiding talking about him. I am so glad you opened up to us, your bloggy family. You are in our prayers.

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    1. You know, the truth is that I was. I didn't know how to start or what to say but finally took last night as a sign that it's not really up to me and just to say a prayer and talk. Thanks so much for being here to listen.

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  14. Love your heart, girl. Thank you for sharing even when it's hard. It's important that people are reminded to pray for you. Hugs.

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  15. Because of the blessing of one child many now pray more often, many know God more now, many can cherish moments more than they did before, many know how much love one child can bring to this world no matter the length of their life. Thank you for sharing your journey and precious son with us.

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  16. Okay to be grieving six and a half weeks later? Are you kidding? I'm 10 months on from my first (early) loss and still not over it.

    Thank God you had Carmen. She sounds like a treasure. So glad she spoke with you and gave you such wisdom.

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  17. Continued prayers for you. It is so hard to trust that God does know what is best for us. Life is so hard sometimes. It's easy for me to trust when things are going well! After three losses in the last year, and now finding myself newly pregnant (after using nfp carefully and then ovulating earlier than ever on day 10!!!) I am frightened and saying "Jesus I trust in You" all day amd hoping that I will feel it eventually. You will be in my prayers!

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  18. One of my girlfriends lost her first baby (stillborn, born at 25 weeks) around the same time my first child was born. My aunt lost her fourth baby when the poor little thing was less than two weeks old. Other friends and family members have had miscarriages. One thing I've observed in most of them is a frustration or sadness that people don't talk to them about their lost children. Understandably, the mothers are keenly aware how much those little lives mattered and they want them to be remembered.

    But I do remember, and I'll bet others do too. Though I've never suffered such a loss, hardly a few days goes by when I don't think of my friend's baby, or my baby cousin, or your Nicholas, or all the others my loved ones have lost.

    I usually don't say anything to the mothers. I don't know where they are in their mourning at the moment, and I don't want to bring them pain with a comment that (to them) seems to come from out-of-the-blue. So I keep my thoughts private and I continue to pray. I imagine there are lots and lots of others who do the same.

    I don't know if that kind of frustration/sadness is part of what you're feeling right now, but if it is, please be assured that there are many, many people thinking of and praying for your little Nicholas.

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    1. Is that smile the worst thing ever in a comment on this post?? Oh my, I hope you know how I meant it.

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  20. Grief doesn't have a time table. The stretches of okay seem to lengthen, but there's still the odd thing that triggers that ache. We're losing our 2 y/o foster daughter whom we've raised from birth and I've noticed strange things bringing me to tears of late. God bless Carmen for sharing with you and God bless you for sharing with us. May Mary cover you in her mantle and bring you to a place of trust, peace and hope. Know that I'm praying for you.

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  21. Thank God for women like Carmen--and like you!--who are willing to share their stories and, in so sharing, ease others' burdens.

    You certainly remain in my prayers.

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  22. We will continue to pray. And whenever I see any of your posts--even the happy ones--I have prayed for you in a special way because I imagined that even as you were writing, you were also thinking of Nicholas. I don't know your grief. I just know how a mother loves a son. You are in my prayers and will be in the days to come.

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  23. I think about you and baby Nicholas often, since I think we were the same week along when you lost him. I'm due around thanksgiving, and anytime I'm tempted to grumble or feel sorry for myself about something pregnancy-related I think about you. And try not to grumble. So please feel free to take my grumbles and use them.

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  24. Thank you for writing this, Dwija. I'm still praying for you.

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  25. I started my blog after losing my first son at 22 weeks along and it was good to get things out (writing is so much easier than talking, isn't it?). December will make 4 years since losing Levi, and I still have sad moments! They are not as frequent now that we have our son, Landon (14 months old), but losing a baby is something a woman will mourn forever. But the good news is that we will see those precious babies again one day!

    A priest told me that even if I went on and had 10 kids, I will still feel sad about losing my first baby, and I think he's right. What a blessing it was to have Carmen that day in the hospital - I know I was completely unprepared for the thoughts and feelings I had in the following months, despite my doctor saying it would take longer to heal emotionally than it would physically.

    I'll pray for you :)

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  26. Praying for you and in thanksgiving for Carmen. It's so very good to admit that things are hard. That will always help you, and it will help others who will read this and say: "Thank goodness I'm not the only one.". God bless you!

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  27. Continuing to pray for you! Don't feel bad at all for still being sad...mourning anyone - let alone your own child!! - takes years not weeks. One of my closest friends miscarried her first almost three years ago and we still talk about him together and I know she still mourns his loss. I think a part of her will always ache for that first little child of hers. So please, please, be gentle with yourself! And never feel bad sharing that with your readers! I know my friend found much consolation in the stories of others!

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  28. I still offer Communion for you on Sundays and include you in our rosary prayer intentions. I can't imagine what you did/are go/going through wouldn't last and sneak up on you unawares. Not one of a mother's children ever completely leave her, so it makes perfect sense why you are pining for that little sweetheart who flew to Heaven too too quickly. One day at a time. Praying for you.

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  29. I feel like I miss you, even though we're "just bloggy friends" and have never met IRL. Yes, I will pray with and for you, with rosary beads (I'll pick them up again.).

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  30. I've been praying for you even though your blog posts have been crazy upbeat as usual. Many of us do, I'm sure.

    Only six and a half weeks—of course you are still in mourning. I've known people to grieve for decades. It takes as long as it takes, and it cannot be rushed. Please don't ever feel that you have to explain your grief to us. Many of us have been there, done that, and by golly designed the T-shirt.

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  31. grief is not a linear process which means the tears can come at any time. hang in there, dweej! i'll be joining you in prayer.

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  32. Thank you for sharing this, both the immense blessing you found in Carmen and the sorrow that you still feel.

    After my grandmother died, my aunt found a letter that Nana had once written to a friend who had recently lost a parent. Nana said that the pain doesn't ever go away, it is sharp like glass, but over time, it can get softer.

    So, I picture the pain of grief like sea-glass. Sharp at first, then softer, but still there--and still beautiful, like our loved ones.

    May God continue to bless you, and hold you close to His heart.

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  33. I wish I could give you a big old hug, Dwija. I'm so sory you have to go through this. I wish you could have had Nicholas in your arms for a whole long lifetime. I'm more than happy to pray for you.

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  34. Thank you so much for sharing. It is so good of you. I was thinking some time ago that I hoped you did not end up disliking your new laundry room- it just seemed to me that that room might remind you of your little boy- and that it was not fair that a joy could be mixed with the pain of loss...well anyway that is how I was feeling- I don't know if that makes sense at all. Anyway, my prayers are with you that slowly your grief may lessen...
    This earthly life is indeed a pilgrimage, is it not?
    Jeanette- signing in with son's account thus the minecraft image

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  35. I was the same way after i went through a grueling 6months on meds for my daughter's heart problem they found at 19weeks. It was the worth 6months ever. EVER. Bedridden, unable to drive since the meds blurred my vision, and nauseous all day long. Once she was born, 1month in the NICU and a flight out of town to a specialty hospital. OverWHELMING. After all of my and her hospital stints , I seriously had/STILL HAVE hospital/NICU PTSD. It takes time to heal. Give yourself a breather, you *really* need it.

    Good luck friend. Will be praying for restful rest. And a return to the rosary...

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  36. It was 4 years ago yesterday when we got the official news I was miscarrying. I realized a few weeks afterward that this day was the feast of St. Augustine, so we named our little saint Gus. (Won't it be funny if I get to the pearly gates and my Gus is actually a girl? Anywho...) Yesterday I was sad, and sometimes the sadness hits at different times. During our bedtime prayers with Joe we asked for his big brother to watch over him.

    I want to thank you for writing this... and for just being you. You are such an inspiration for me to start seeing the joy in life amid the darkness.

    I will definitely keep you in my prayers!

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  37. May God continue to bless Carmen. Praying for you. Nothing more, nothing less.

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  38. It is coming up on four years (wow!) since we lost our little girl, Teresa, who was stillborn at 24 weeks, and I am still grieving. Not anywhere near as often as I once did, but when one of "those" songs come on, we my littlest one gets into Teresa's keepsake box and pulls out her little hat, and sometimes just out of the blue, I cry. I miss her terribly, and I don't think any loving mother whose has lost a child will ever stop grieving this side of heaven.

    And it was also a wonderful nurse, Danielle, who pulled us through that stay in the hospital. She treated our daughter with the same care as any child on that floor. She tended to my every need. She disregarded hospital policy to help me out. And when the photographer kept delaying, and never did show up, she got her camera, took pictures, had them developed, and gave to us a big gift box full of pictures (she printed and paid for herself) wrapped up in a pretty pink bow. I will never forget her kindness. And the complete stranger who gave us $500 towards Teresa's headstone (as it would have been many months before we could have afforded it), is another angel who lifted us up when we were so low. And my aunt, who purchased for me a simple silver band, engraved with my daughter's name. I wear that ring every day, kissing it and telling my daughter I love her when I put it on.

    May our Blessed Mother hold you, guide you, and prevent despair from overtaking your heart. And may Carmen, Danielle, and all of the nurses who give so much to help families face this tragedy be blessed.

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  40. Of course we're still praying for you! Hugs!

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  41. Our culture in general is horrible about acknowledging grief and allowing others to feel it. I am so grateful that you're posting about it here -- you definitely are helping other women realize that they can grieve too.

    One of my favorite verses in the Bible is "Jesus wept." Those were extravagant tears indeed -- He knew He would raise Lazarus, after all! So why cry? Because death is sad, and Lazurus was a friend that Jesus loved. Being fully human AND fully God, Jesus had emotions -- and His beautiful, expressive tears tell us that it's okay to weep too.
    Nancy

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  42. Hugs and prayers. So glad Carmen was there for you.

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  43. Dweej, You know 6 weeks is nothing, right? I mean, everyone grieves at their own rate but, as a nurse for 35 yrs, I've never seen anyone bounce back after a few weeks without being seriously out of touch with themselves or life or whatever. Seems like your hunch about the Rosary is correct. At night, when I say mine, I'm often reminded of Blessed Mother saying during an apparition (can't remember which one) that when we held the Rosary, we hold her hand! I'll remember you to her too.

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  44. I have been reading your blog for a little while now. I can not imagine the grief that you must be experiencing and have no real words of wisdom or comfort. But I thought I would point you I the direction of another blogger who recently lost her infant son. She is a very Godly woman and she may have some insight that will bring you comfort.

    http://awordywoman.com/dealing-with-the-side-effects-of-grief/

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  45. Carmen sounds like a wonderful woman. I am so thankful that she was there to help you.
    Prayers continue for you.

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  46. you have my prayers. What a blessing this Carmen sounds like!

    The birth of my son, first born, was quite traumatic for me (at home with only my mum & husband to help as we waited for the emergency response team to show up!). Then a year later I found myself pregnant with our second and wondered if I had the courage to go through it all again. and as I'm sure you know already, every pregnancy is different. Although I had a deep terror in me, one I couldn't really recognise until after our daughter was born, going through the whole birth thing all over again gave me a lot of healing from the fear and terror I'd been carrying. It allowed me to let go. I know this isn't the same as the loss of a child and trying to rebuild life after that sort of tragedy, but I just offer it as an example then if/when the time comes and you feel led to add again to your family, you will have the grace available to you to get through it, and it may put an end to some of your fears.

    I pray that our Blessed Mother holds you close to her and comforts you!

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  47. It's been 5 years since we lost Paul at 10 weeks. I still miss him, and still feel sad sometimes. Even though, rationally, I know that one of his two younger siblings would be a physical impossibility if he'd live, and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

    When I feel that way, I ask for his intercession... some Medieval Theologians believed that "Baptism of Desire" should be applied to the unborn-- if their parents would have baptized them if they'd lived, then they can be assumed to be Saints in Heaven. I'm sure my younger 2 have benefited from Paul's intercession-- heck, my toddler had a miraculous healing of a heart defect as an infant--- so clearly he's looking out for them!

    Anyway, when you miss Nicholas, ask him to intercede for you, and ask him to ask God to give you the grace you need so you can join him in heaven some day.

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  48. Ten years ago this July 24th we lost our first baby-a baby we were told we could never have. God gave us Noah as a gift, to open our hearts to each other, and to truly be open to life. 10 years later we have 5 children, and I am so, so grateful to God for changing our hearts. But it is still painful. I will never, ever forget the pain of that day, and the realization we faced that we truly might never have a baby (okay, that was WAY off). The pain you are experiencing, as most, will wane, but your heart will always ache a little. And it's okay to find joy in every moment of your day, and it's okay to be afraid and to not want to go through it all again. Being open to life doesn't have to mean you are always 100% ready, right? It means that at some stages in your life, you are open but hesitant, and placing trust in God that He knows you best. It means that at some times the well-being of you and your family might not quite be ready for an addition, and that is okay too!

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  49. I will pray for you and your family. Hugs from Australia.

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  50. God bless you <3 I'll be remembering you in prayer!!

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  51. I'm so thankful that you had Carmen in your life :) What a wonderful, beautiful woman she is! And, you know you have prayers coming a mile a minute from me.

    I pray the one day your sorrows calm a bit and you can turn them into joys. Little celebrations of Nicholas' life.

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  52. Sometimes God sends His messages through people. Sounds like He sent you one through Carmen. It's okay to grieve!!!! It's NORMAL to feel terrified, too. Wait until you don't feel terrified anymore to make any decisions. That's isn't going against or refusing God's will, that's just being alive and having a brain and emotions. Wait until you can handle a decision. That time will really come. Sometimes all you can do is hang on and wait for things to pass. I know.

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  53. Im 2 1/2 years our from losing our son and the grief still sneaks up on me and knocks me down. I felt you when you said that you brace yourself for the 15th and Monday because those are trigger days, but then to be down on a non trigger day, that just is hard. Grief is so sneaky and crazy. Giving into it and learning from it have been the only way I've made it through it. Praying for you and your family. And for the courage for another pregnancy when the time comes. I have come to see that for me, being terrified and frightened during subsequent pregnancies is just going to happen. My baby died inside of me and therefore pregnancy will always be scary for me-its not about being without the fear, but learning to live beyond the fear. Its a way to lean into God more and offer him more of myself than I ever would have when I thought pregnancy was just about morning sickness and being uncomfortable. Saying a novena to Our Lady of Sorrows starting today and Im adding you to my list of people to pray for. Mary understands, she always understands.

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