Monday, May 09, 2011

How (not) to make chocolate chip cookies

Look y'all, there is a reason that my husband does most of the cooking around here.  When he makes stuff, it is exquisite.  People drool.  They make yummy noises.  They're willing to put up with our disaster of a house and our constant bickering (just ask my sister-in-law and her husband.  Tommy and I are totally just like...that couple on that old show where the old dude sits in the chair and says rude stuff and the wife has curly hair and putters around and they argue all the time.  Except we don't do any of those things besides the arguing part) just to eat the things he makes.  I, on the other hand, can barely follow a recipe.  Frozen pizzas frequently appear on the table undercooked.  I didn't even know how to crack an egg when I met the man.  I would put stuff into cold water first and then slap it on the stove to boil.  Stuff that wasn't rice.  Stuff that was noodles or vegetables.  Noodles and vegetables.  It was bad.

But last week, when I resolved to be Super Totally Momish for the entire day, I was forced, against my will and the very call of reason, to prepare a batch of cookies with the assistance of my two toddlers.  It was a real case of the blind leading the blind.

How Not To Make Chocolate Chip Cookies

1. Tell your three year old boy that you are going to make COOKIES! YAY! before you check to see that you have all of the necessary ingredients.

2. Upon discovering that you only have half a bag of chocolate chips, do not make half a batch of cookies.  Do not make a full batch with only half the chocolate.  After perusing the stash of leftover Easter candy, do not decide to cut up chocolate eggs, which are, in fact, made entirely of chocolate.  INSTEAD, cut up eight miniature twix bars which contain chocolate, caramel, and wafer (triple underline that baby right there) and add them to the half empty bag of chocolate chips. 



3. When you realize that the butter is still in the fridge and therefore not "softened" (as per the instructions), toss two sticks into the microwave for 12 nanoseconds because you are deathly afraid of exploding butter.  If you have no idea what I am talking about when I refer to "exploding butter", then this recipe is probably not for you.  Feel the butter.  Note that it may not be technically "soft" but decide that it can't be that important.  Right?

4. When you begin to mix together the dry ingredients (see?  I know what I'm talking about.  Sort of) notice two things: a) that you own the most enormous box of baking soda you have ever seen in your life.  Spend more time taking photos of said remarkably large box than you do on actually preparing the cookies
and b) that you are out of All Purpose flour.

5. What kind of house is this?  Who the heck runs out of All Purpose flour?  It serves all purposes.  Isn't it some kind of mandatory element once you have more than, say, 1.6 children?  Who's in charge around here anyway?

6. Decide that the whole wheat flour you discover will not only be a fine substitute but that it will also make the cookies healthy.  Do not modify any of the other ingredients to compensate in any way.  Mentally pat yourself on the back for your innovation and contribution toward ending youth-onset type 2 diabetes. 

7. Double the amount of walnuts that the recipe recommends.

8. Turn the mixer speed way up and then way down and then way up and then way down in an effort to get all the stuff (cold butter) that is jammed inside the whisk attachment to come flying out and mystically "cream together".  As per the recipe.  Repeat as necessary for up to and including 19 minutes.

9. Agree that an ice-cream scoop is the ideal tool for portioning out the cookie dough and proceed to use said utensil to prepare your delectable  culinary creation.






Friends, I do not know what a hamster snack is, but if I did, I would say these were just like them.  Only enormous.  An enormous snack for some kind of freakish rodent.  They were gritty.  They were obscenely sweet.  They were paper thin.  They were translucent.



If you don't have kids of your own, I imagine that you were a kid at some point in your life so I will ask all of you this question: Is it possible for a child, when presented with a cookie that ostensibly contains all of the desired ingredients, to dislike the fine treat that has been handed to them?  I think yes.  They claimed (I never imagined I'd raise such skilled liars.  They're surely angling for something.) that they were fine.  Yummy even.  But the looks on their faces told a much different tale.


Please, if you have any sense of self preservation, don't ever let me tell you how to cook.  Well, okay, let me tell you how.  I love telling people what to do.  But please, whatever you do, do. not. do. what. I. say.  It can only end one way and that way is not with you winning the Nobel Prize for Bake-tastic Goodness (or whatever award they have for cooking.  I don't know these things.  I mean, did you read what happened with the cookies?!).

For the prompt at Mama Kat's: A recipe that went all kinds of wrong.

Mama's Losin' It

post signature

58 comments :

  1. That is all really impressively bad, Dweej. Bad but good. Funny bad.

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  2. I'm just surprised that the Food Police didn't show up at your door...tsk, tsk.

    I had a friend once, who, after just getting married, made Mac & Cheese (box version)..dumped it in a casserole, added the ingredients, threw it in the oven. She didn't read the instructions where it clearly said..."boil elbows".

    Sadly, the marriage ended two years after that cooking incident with the divorce granted for Irreconcilable Differences. Trust me, it was her total lack of cooking skills, nothing else.

    Hugs!!!

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  3. Those are called lace cookies, you know, the kind you can see through.

    I once exploded nacho cheese all over the microwave, good thing my husband likes to clean.

    Three words for YOU: slice and bake.

    Now, go to my blog and don't answer the question of the week...or do...it's up to you!

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  4. *howling* See Mr. Bernie does the cooking here as well. Everyone tells him that he is the best cook and blah blah. He doesn't follow a recipe, which really annoys me. I have to follow a recipe to a T. One can not add or subtract when I follow a recipe. For him its just a guide.

    I give you credit for adding Easter candy just so you can bake. I never would have thought of that. But then again I don't have a recipe to tell me to do that either.

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  5. LOL. I empathize. My oven got a restraining order for me.

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  6. I fail to see the problem with your recipe. Except the walnuts. I would have just skipped them. Other than that all your substitutions seem totally logical.

    Junior year of college we had a "roomate night" once a week. One of us would cook and we would all eat together. I was the only person in the apartment to have a free pass on my turn to cook. It was not so much a free pass as a Rachael is not allowed to cook ever. This was after I attempted once. That incident is forever remembered as "The Tuna Trifle incident." I still shudder when I think of it. As do my former roomates.

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  7. I am starting a petition to the Food Network.

    You need your own cooking show. NOW.

    Why? Sheer entertainment.

    If you want fabulous recipes, look to Bobby Flay. Meals in less than a half hour, and willing to stomach an annoying bitch? Watch Rachel Ray.

    Want to watch a 30 minute train wreck? Ultimate crash and burn? This is where your show comes in.

    You know you love it...

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  8. I love you! Too funny. I give you A for effort and ingenuity. And resourcefulness!

    I once made muffins that were rock hard. You could kill a bird with it. And I substituted various ingredients once in a banana loaf and er, let's just say it wasn't edible.

    Having said that, I think I bake very well. LOL.

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  9. Um, let's see here... I admire your persistence in completing a task even when you suspect it has gone really, REALLY awry. My best advice for next time (snort): skip the baking part, and just let them eat the raw dough. Seriously, the risk of salmonella from the raw egg is probably waaayyy less than anything else. I kid. No. I don't. But, I still heart you! ;-)

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  10. Hilarious! I love when you confessed to spending more time taking pictures of the large box of baking soda than actually making cookies. I can SO relate! Blessings on the next attempt!

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  11. I started cringing at the mention of wafer in the chocolate bars, then when you threw in the whole wheat flour i loudly sucked in air...then i'm pretty sure an "oh no" slipped out at the mention of 19 minutes in the mixer...You have sweet kids though :D

    It took me a few years to figure out baking: a) don't substitute when you're starting out b) follow the directions ;) c) let someone else bake :D

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  12. HAHAHA the expressions on those faces are priceless! So what happened to those cookies? The twix bar sounds kinda yummy?...

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  13. I think you mean "do as I say, not as I do" ;-)

    You and I are kitchen twins... but I am older and have had a little more time to figure out how to do the cookies... finally :P

    I *heart* this story :)

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  14. omg, this was like taking a trip back into my own past...i too, did not know how to crack an egg before i was married, and the very second my husband caught me cooking the mac and cheese the exact same way you did, he vowed to do all of the cooking himself! thanks goodness!!!

    ps, the twix part sounds really good though!!! nice strategy there!

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  15. I laughed SO hard reading this post - I love your writing!!!

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  16. You're too funny. I'm willing to bet that somewhere on this large planet of ours, those cookies would be considered a delicacy. Good thing you've written the recipe and detailed process down... you know, for future generations.

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  17. Are you talking about the Courage The Cowardly Dog show??? Because that was the first thing that popped into my mind when you said "that couple on that old show where the old dude sits in the chair and says rude stuff and the wife has curly hair and putters around and they argue all the time." This may however, tell you that I watch far too many cartoons for being a childless person. But that's pretty much all I watch - cartoons and hockey. I should not admit that, huh? Anyway - it would be excessively fun to now call you Murial and Eustace. So even if you weren't referring to that cartoon I may start calling you Murial and Eustace anyway... :D

    Tell the kids that the cookies are some sort of English gourmet chocolate caramel lace cookies in honor of the Royal Wedding and dip them in tea. They'll be so excited to be doing something "Royal" that they won't notice how terrible the cookies taste! (Lesson #1 from a nanny that can't cook. HA!)

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  18. HA HA HA!
    I wanted to laugh out loud..but the kids are napping and I didn't want to wake them up.
    HILARIOUS!

    And God bless men that can cook!

    Amy L.

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  19. Love and marriage......!

    It's all in the look - children are such terrible liars though I have to say twix cookies do sound rather nice.

    Nina x

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  20. hahahahaha - oh my. I actually do not know what to say. ummm...ok..."It's the thought that counts?"

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  21. That is soooo funny. When I met my husband I had lived in my apartment for 3 months before I'd even plugged in the stove. The only reason I owned dishes is because they were given to me as housewarming gifts from my co~workers (what were they thinking? just 'cause I had a kid I cooked? nope, my toddler and I survived on boiled crawfish, potatoes and corn from a guy in a pick up truck.

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  22. Dweej, you can always take a frown and turn it upside down. Thanks for making me smile...always :) You really weren't exaggerating about the cooking thing, huh? But hey, let's look at the bright side. You could probably get a job in a pet bakery. I mean...what a fabulous idea! Cookies for hamsters. You could give one of those suckers to it at the beginning of the week and not have to feed it again all week.

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  23. My bloggy friends are so smart! I really am always looking for a new way to make some cash, too. It's perfect :D

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  24. Excellent attempt though!! Well done! Keep up the bad baking and stuff! HA! CHEERS!

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  25. Oh that made me laugh. We are the same person :)

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  26. That made me laugh! And I totally would have tried the twix thing...That sounds good!

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  27. your kids are just so beautiful. and different. i love them.

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  28. I got a cookie recipe that actually intends for the cookies to be that thin, translucent hamstery. And then they turn out to be fluffy. WTF?

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  29. Bahahaha! What a great way to end my Dwijathon! (I literally just read every post I haven't yet, all the way from the beginning! And some over again because they're worth reading twice!)

    I must admit, I too am a little delightfully dangerous in the kitchen. (Wish there was a sheepish smiley face better than this: =P but there it is.)

    Once I made a tuna casserole for a girlfriend and her little family to welcome her home from the maternity ward. I was so proud of myself! I followed all the instructions on the box! (Please reserve comments LOL)

    ...Except one. The following morning, I stumbled out to my kitchen to discover that the "sauce" packet was still leaning haphazardly against my microwave. I had walked over to her house and bestowed upon my darling, unsuspecting friend a casserole dish with nothing in it but (essentially) boiled noodles!!! YUCK!

    How did THAT happen?! Well, mister happy white glove guy, you can take the "Helper" out of "Tuna Helper!" Thanks for nothing! ;D

    So I called her, head in hands, and told her the whole truth, and nothing but. I HAD to admit it was from a box! How else do you explain, "I'm so sorry I left out ALL POSSIBLE FLAVOR KNOWN TO MAN?!"

    Yeah. And the best part? She said, "Really?? We LOVED it! We both had seconds and then my husband ate all the rest!"

    Pppphhhahahaha, thumbs up for living in Utah, which is perhaps the most blandly-flavored-food state in the US... but it is definitely one of the kindest. =D

    Thanks for helping me feel not-so-alone out here in worst-cook-ever land!

    Hugs & Blessings,
    E

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  30. So after 12 years, your best use of a spoon is still getting a locker open in a train station. :) Quality post, Dwij.

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  31. Hahaha! Holy cow...that jammed locker. But see? I'm so *USEFUL*. What's better: a cookie or not losing all your most prized worldly possessions? Thank you!

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  32. Wow...you're so refreshingly honest. I would've blamed it all on the kids.

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  33. Oh dear. Twix and all, hilarious. But kids faces have to be the best bit!

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  34. Love this...and their faces are PRICELESS...

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  35. Hey, they had chocolate in them. I'd eat them.

    My husband does the cooking for us, but not because I can't cook. I'm just lazy.

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  36. The great news is that I'm ALSO lazy, in addition to the lack of skill. That's a win-win right there!

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  37. Hmmmm.... that's the way my cookies turn out when I follow the recipe to a T. There are some evils even chocolate cannot cure.

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  38. Have to trust those faces! Thanks for being so honest about your baking disaster and what led to it! Funny post!

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  39. So funny! You wrote so well about the catastrophe

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  40. I'm pretty sure I've had a batch or two of cookies turn out that way :) And I actually CAN follow a recipe LOL

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  41. It actually seemed like you totally knew what you were doing! They looked yummy to me!

    I am a pretty bad cook myself. You reminded me of a recent cookie-baking post I wrote. I thought you might be able to relate. (http://snappysurprise.blogspot.com/2011/01/here-try-cajun-cookie.html )

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  42. I have often written cookie checks to my toddler that my pantry couldn't cash. You and I have pretty much the same recipe (cold butter, wheat flower, leftover easter candy). Though I do envy your mixer and ice cream scoop. I personally prefer to accidently make one massive melted sheet of "cookie" that must be spooned up and re-molded into a semi-circle. Clearly your kids love you for making the effort and that is so much better than Martha perfect cookies.

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  43. cooksthesaurus.com

    Seriously. It has saved my butt more times than I can count.

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  44. Slice and bake is the only way to go! :)

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  45. That was HILARIOUS!! I use the Pillsbury dough boy a lot at my house. Thank you for the laugh!
    Visiting from Sunday Funday.
    Jen

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  46. We baked chocolate chip cookies today, and they turned out fine. But I'll never forget the time my ex husband made some to "surprise" me and inadvertently used powdered sugar as flour. We had a burnt sticky mess in the oven for WEEKS.

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  47. But I love the way the light shined right through them. Maybe save them for Christmas and hang them on your tree. Great post!

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  48. I rarely bake anything from scratch. I don't trust myself - plus, my nana could bake a cake like mcguyver could build a bomb. I can't live up to that.

    found you through Sunday Funday!

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  49. I laughed so hard I nearly collapsed a lung. Thank you.
    And seriously... where the hell do you buy a box of baking soda THAT big while simultaneously running out of all purpose flour? That's COMMUNIST or something!

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  50. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!{snort!}HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! {SNORT!}HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You are TOO much!!!

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  51. I hate to cook, the problem is my husband is ten times worse a cook than I am. I remember baking something once with baking soda when the recipe called for baking powder. What's the diff, right? Apparently there is.

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  52. Ha! Now that is one screwed up cookie. ;)

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  53. This reminds me of when my nephew did a science experiment to see how cookies would come out when it was missing certain ingredients. And of course, for documentation sake we had to taste them. LOL

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  54. Reading old posts from the beginning to finally get your whole story (or as whole as you've published, anyway)...LOVE THIS!

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